on may 8th 2010--i lost my wonderful husband suddenly and unexpected--for he was only 48 years old--the cornerer claimed it was cardiac arrest--the dc said cardiac arrythmia--but then the donor organization told me the pathology report claimed he had cancer which there were no signs or symptoms of him having cancer

this is my heartbreak--on may 8th we were across state for a wedding for a niece of ours--my husband came into the front room where i was and sat down in a chair by me--he told me he couldnt catch his breath--i asked him if he wanted to go to the doctor and he said yes--i ran down stairs to get my coat and jacket for it was cold and raining that day--i handed my insurance card to my sister-in-law for she was going to see if we were covered under their hospital network--by the time i got back to fred--he was sweating like crazy--he thought he was hyperventlating--we got him a paper bag--my sister-in-law went and got her blood pressure monitor--fred's eyes rolled to the back of his head and i started screaming "no fred no" amd walked away--my sister-in-law took his blood pressure and said it was low and we needed to call an ambulance now--my brother went to help my sister-in-law and then my brother called the ambulance and went outside to wait for them--my-sister-in-law called for my brother and i went outside to get him and stayed outside--the 1st paramedic arrived--and my brother came out and told me to go inside--as i went in the paramedic called a code blue--and i went hysterical--for i wasnt able to go to fred when he needed me the most--i was taking into the other room and needed to be treated myself they claimed i needed to be calmed down before they could let me go--they took my husband in the ambulance to the hospital as to where they didnt do anything to try and bring him back--i couldnt go in the ambulance with him as i should have been there for him when he needed me the most--when we got to the hospital i was informed that my wonderful husband was gone and i have been devasted ever since

my life has been turned upside down--i have no friends(expect one who lives in another state several hours away who i met online) and no family close by--nor are we a close knit family--for i have been left alone in this world--the one and only child fred and i were able to have died 2 hours after his birth--it took me 2 years to face the world again after our sons death and that was with fred's help and i know it will take me a lot longer with the loss of my wonderful husband

i dont sleep and i dont eat much--whatever i managed to get down i have to force it and then sometimes it wont stay down--i cant stop blaming myself for everything i did wrong that day--i should have known better and i should have said to call an ambulance right away and i didnt--fred was always so strong and healthy--neither one of us knew that he had cancer like i stated above i didnt know until i got the pathology report--for their were no signs or symptoms--nor did he ever complain of any pain or feeling ill

i am so lost with out him--i want my life back--for now i am destine to spend the rest of my life alone--i am to young to be with out him--fred was always so full of life and he had many friends--and now i have no one--fred was so kind and gentle and would give his last dime to anyone in need of it--and his work here wasnt finished for he had so much more to do in this world