Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Mylisa Sue Kasmarcik on July 14, 2010 at 11:06pm

I found out I was pregnant during my Senior year in high school. I was 17 scared out of my mind, but finding that my support group (my friends, family and Jayden's father) was epically amazing. I went along with my pregnancy like normal; changing my diet, my activites, and I started learning everything I would need to know. I also did the normal girl thing about being excited. No matter what I wouldn't regret the baby that was growng inside me. I didn't care about what the teachers and my classmates thought, I didn't care that some people I met looked down their nose at me when they found out I was pregnant. None of this could be something I worried about. I worried about being a good mother, graduating high school, possble names for my baby, trying to find the best doctor.

Everythig was going fine throughout my pregnancy and I had no problems until two days after my ultrasound. I woke up in pain and my mom told me it was just the baby sitting on my hip wrong since that's where it hurt. They went to the grocery store and I got in the bath since my mom said it's help with the pain. After awhile it just got unbearable so I called her and she rushed home and took me to the closest hospital. After being checked in, having massive amounts of blood taken they told me I had to the hospital that my doctor was assigned to.

I was in the ambulance by myself with a woman that I wish I kne the name of. She was trying to tell me that everything would be okay and that she'd be here until I was with my family again. I wish I would have asked her name or had my mom do it, but she is the unnamed angel that made that part of this tale a little more bareable.

Once I was at the hospital it was a flurry of nurses and my doctor. I was given some drug for the pain that kept me in and out of conciousness. After about 45 minutes of being there Jayden's father came and I was still in and out. I have no preception of the time, but around one o'clock I had my son in the room with no one else there besides Jayden's father.

The doctor was barely ever there and he didn't try to save my son. Although there may not have been much he could have done, nothng was done. Jayden Michael Kasmarcik-Novak was alive for a hour and a half. This doctor did nothing and in my opinion it was because I was a teenage mother.

I say this because I have a friend who recently had a baby girl and almost the exact thing happened to her, but her baby is two months old as of a few days ago.

Permalink Reply by Kay Soens on August 13, 2010 at 8:45pm

My name is Kay. My sons, Chris and Robert, both died within less than two weeks of each other; one in October of 2009 and one in November 2009. Almost 4 years ago, each was diagnosed with a genetic disorder called Alpha 1, a degenerative disease that attacks lungs, liver and skin. I'm certain you can imagine how terrible it was to see two healthy, good looking, intelligent and witty guy's go downhill with each passing year. We tried to look for the good things in life and we did share both the good times we had together and the debilitation that took place as the disease process progressed. Unfortunately, in September of 2009, I also had a major house fire which succeeded in turning my life upside down even more. I think I spent most of the final months in 2009 in a state of shock and feel I've been barely functioning ever since all the tragedies struck at once. I've done all the things the grief counselor's have suggested, but there isn't any magic bullet that smooths the path or makes this any easier to bear. They are gone and I am here. Any suggestions or warm advice would be appreciated.

Permalink Reply by Dee Davis on August 13, 2010 at 9:56pm

Dear Kay, my prayers are with you.My name is Dee, and I lost my son Jamie in Sept 09 unexpected. He went to bed one night and woke up with Jesus, and at that moment,my world ended. I am slowly getting up to take care of my health. MY mind is still not right. jamie was born with cerabral palsey,and had Bad seizures that nearly took him many times, but he lived to be an ordained minister and preached 5 different churches, and made a tape ministry. So I am Very lucky to have him on dvde and cd now (but I still want Him bk) One thing that is helping me some is I plan to start doing fundraisers for United Cerabral Palsey in Jamies name so he will always be remembered, plus I plan to write a book on his life, by this winter. I didn't lose my home to fire, but with him gone I had to move out of mine into Sr. living complex, and had to get rid of alot of my things and his because these are Small apts. My heart goes out to you with all you have gone thro, I hope mabe some of these things I'm going to do for my recovery , will help give you some ideas of things you could to help you . We need to find ways to celebrate their lives,to let the world know they were Here and their lives mattered to us and the people who knew them. And being a true christian, I know I will see my Jamie again when God calls me home too. May God give you the strength to go on. H is for me ..Dee

Permalink Reply by Kay Soens on August 14, 2010 at 12:23am

Hi Dee,
Thank you for your lovely letter and for sharing your loss and how you're dealing with it. It sounds as though you've been through a lot, both before and after Jamie's death. It is very hard when our children are ill and we find there isn't much that we can do to make them better. I, just like you, know that I will meet my son's again. When I dream of them, they are always young and healthy and I'm sure that is how they are once again. It sounds like Jamie overcame a lot in his life. It is so great that he was able to make a goal to become a minister and to reach his goal before he passed on. That's pretty remarkable, Dee. I'm still stumbling along because it feels as though I really got whammed with the house fire, the illnesses and subsequent deaths of both my son's. I, just like everyone else who has experienced the loss of their children, will have to see how life plays out and what all of this means. I appreciate having you think of me and I will certainly think of you and your loss as well. Thank you and bless you....Kay

Permalink Reply by Gail Richardson on August 14, 2010 at 4:35am

Kay - sending you warm hugs my love. I'm so sorry, losing a child is the hardest thing any Mother will ever have to face, losing two is a nightmare I can't even imagine.
My name is Gail, my daughter Meshael was diagnosed with a rare terminal genetic disorder called Fanconi Anaemia at the age of five. I too spent years watching her turn from a strong, healthy, active little girl to a teenager who could barely get out of bed somedays. She lost her brave battle in June 2001 two days before her 15th birthday.
I've been on this long road for nine years now and you're right, there are no magic bullets! Counselor's, with all the best intentions, are really not qualified to help us Angel Mums through this tragedy unless they've actually experienced what we are going through. I found that the best medicine for me was talking to other people who had. I joined a really good online group who have become like family to me. They really get what I'm feeling.
As time has gone on, I have 're-invented' my life and my role in it. I felt at first that there was no purpose for me being here without my child but gradually found new roles for me to play.
We develop a mask - which shows the outside world that we are 'coping' fine. Inside of course, we are broken and confused. But gradually, through time, we slip into the mask more and more and it becomes more natural. There are plenty of times when that mask just isn't big enough. That's fine too. Allow yourself those days to cry and wail and grieve but try not to let them take over.
The worst days are 'angelversaries, birthdays and of course holidays. These are the days where nothing anyone can do or say can take away the pain. These are the times when we can find solace with the understanding of people who 'know'. I celebrate Meshael's birthday and her Angelversary every year with friends - this helps me no end! I am busy arranging the party and there is less time to sit remembering the sadness. I know it doesn't work for everyone but it works for me. That said, even nine years on, there are some days I just have to grieve. My advice to all, is too take each day as it comes.
There is a wonderful organisation called The Compassionate Friends - they have groups worldwide and throughout the USA. They hold meetings and you will find the most compassion and understanding from the other parents there. Try to find your local chapter and find out when their having their next meeting. Also, there may be a support group for Alpha 1 - if not then you should try to join a really good email group where you can really open up and tell them how you are feeling. Feeling the empathy of others and have them let you know that you're feelings are not unusual or strange helps a great deal. There are groups now on Facebook too. If you want more info on anything message me off page and I'll be happy to help.
You've been through some awful tragedy and losing Chris and Robert so close together on top of the house-fire - you are allowed to barely function.
Time doesn't heal - but time changes us and allows us to cope - just as long as we remember that it's OK to grieve too! Try to remember the good times you all had together and speak of them both often.
And don't be afraid to reach out to others - when you are hurting, say 'I hurt!' We understand.
Sending you massive hugs - please don't be afraid to contact me anytime.
Gail xx

Permalink Reply by Kay Soens on August 14, 2010 at 9:24am

Dear Gail,
What a wonderful informative and compassionate response you sent. It had good advice from the heart and offered some practical things I can do. I don't know how to e-mail you off page so if you can pass that info on to me, I'd love to chat with you a bit more about the real nitty gritty of how to cope with this and how to move along. Let me know. Thanks, Kay

Permalink Reply by Gail Richardson on August 14, 2010 at 10:41am

Kay - I have sent you a message - if you look in the top right corner of your screen you'll see you message in-box xxx

Permalink Reply by Geneva Lieberman on August 15, 2010 at 4:25pm

I just lost my son on july 30, and I am having a terrile time. This is the second time I have lost him, and don.t understand why God gave him to me, took him from me when he was 7 months old gave hime back to me, and took him a month after he turned 31. He used to tease me and tell me he wasn't living past 30, and next month will be 30 years ago I buried my 2 week old son. I am a mess!!!!

Permalink Reply by Gail Richardson on August 15, 2010 at 4:41pm

Geneva - I'm so sorry for your loss. You are still in the first stages of grieve and this is a time when nothing makes any sense at all. There is nothing that I can say at the moment which will ease that awful pain you are feeling and I hope that you have some supportive friends and family close by who can help to support you. This group is made up of people who are at all different stages of our grief and we all know and understand anything you might be feeling right now - so please feel free to rant and rave as you feel. The pain you are feeling is so overwhelming - I wish I could tell you that it will stop but I cannot. What I can tell you is that sharing with others is a great start to understanding your feelings and making sense of the senseless. I wish I could reach through this computer and give you a big hug right now and just let you know that you're not alone. Take each day as it comes. If you want to curl up and hide away, then do so. If you want to cry - let it out.
Whenever you are able, please write.......
hugs Gail

Permalink Reply by Kay Soens on August 15, 2010 at 7:38pm

Hello Geneva,

I just recently lost both my son's and I'm lost at sea in the same boat in which you are. Believe me when I tell you that there doesn't seem to be any simple answer's to what we're feeling and to what has happened to us. I think Gail has given you some excellent advice, just as she has with me, and, for now, just feel what you're feeling, get some help around you and grieve your losses. Healing, if it ever completely happens, is certainly a process and I guess we just have to struggle through where we are today and pray that the pain and sense of loss gets a little dimmer with help and time. My heart goes out to you and I'll think of you and hope good things for you.

Kay

Permalink Reply by Sharon Reynolds on October 19, 2010 at 4:20pm

I am new to this, heck, I am new to a lot of things in recent weeks. My 38 year old son, my only child, half of my heart was found dead on August 23, 2010 in the woods near our home. He had walked away from his home about 2 1/2 months before. We did not know where he was. He had problems with addictions to alcohol and opiates that he had fought for about half of his life. He had gotten into some legal trouble, again. In our state it's 3 strikes and you're out and this would have been his third felony so he was going to go to prison. Anyway, someone walking in the woods found his skeletal remains, the medical examiner said it appeared that he had been dead for a couple months. The detectives who had the horrible task of coming to my job to tell me had to collect dna for a definitive identification.

I knew something had to be horribly wrong for Gary not to call me to let me know he was ok. I am currently in remission for one year from metastatic ovarian cancer. We were so close, I knew he would not have let me worry if he could call home. The horror wasn't so much that my son might be dead, it was waiting almost 6 weeks for the results to come back. Knowing in my heart that it was him and not being able to bring him home.

When they did release his "remains" as they so delicately put it there was nothing that I could see. No face to kiss, no hand to hold, nothing. If it is possible to feel cheated, as if losing my future wasn't enough, I wasn't able to make the connection in my mind that he is really dead. Its been almost two months since this nightmare started and even though their dna test said it was my son I still expect to hear his step on the stairs or to hear his voice when I answer the phone. I just cannot wrap my head around this.

I have never known pain like this. The cancer was nothing compared to what I feel, or worse yet what I don't feel now. Sometimes the pain takes my breath away; sometimes I feel that if I had just died last year I wouldn't have to deal with this. Please God!! Help me.

Permalink Reply by Sharon Reynolds on October 19, 2010 at 10:02pm

Hello Kathy, I am so sorry for your loss. We are Christian and I do blieve I will see him again. I just had so much unfinished business with him, so many things that we still had to do; so many things that, even at 38, he hadn't done. He hadn't married, although he had had some wonderful girlfriends; he didn't have children; he didn't have the opportunity to get old-it just makes me so D*** angry that I sometimes can't see straight. I feel cheated and I feel that he was cheated. I question why I was spared to have to suffer through this. I just don't have any where to put this anger and some days it almost consumes me. Your words don't take away any of what I feel but what they have done is remind me that there are other people who DO understand exactly what I am going through. Thank you for being there.

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