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Permalink Reply by kathleen akin on March 30, 2015 at 7:01pm

Hi. I'm so sorry for your fathers passing. I know I will probably lose my dad soon around the time I lose my husband but to old age. The years ahead feel very scary and sad.
I know what you mean. About the only time my chest isn't clenching and aching is when with my husband. I feel joy with him. But at the same time I wonder what is going thru his head. Is he afraid? I want to protect him and take away his fears and his pain. He doesn't deserve this. He is the best person I know and I adore him. I didn't get enough time.

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Permalink Reply by kathleen akin on March 31, 2015 at 4:18pm

We just found out that his liver tumor doesn't have enough of a "target" to do the radiation. I'm so let down. I know he is too but I have to get through this day. Now I don't know what they have planned for him. Why do Drs seems so indifferent? It's like "oh well, you have less time than we thought".

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Permalink Reply by morgan on April 1, 2015 at 1:52am

Kathleen,

I lost my husband to stage four cancer and from diagnosis to death he lasted 26 days.  I was told he might have 5-9 months.  I don't know what to tell you I can only relate what happened to me. I was so busy helping my husband fight for his life I forgot about what I probably needed to hear from him.  I was just carrying on as though somehow everything was still going to be real.  Even death.  Then it happened.  I was not prepared.  I don't know how I would have prepared but I think had I been laying with him when he took his final breath rather than finding him as I did I would have had maybe a little more closure.  I had no hospice help or nothing like i did when I lost my mom.  I thought hospice was so gentle and caring and explained to me what to anticipate.  Of course she died of complications from Alzheimers and was 84 so it was almost a relief.  Not so with my husband.  

I would try to make sure you have lots of still pictures and video with audio.  I'm glad I took them even though some are a bit rough to look at and he didn't want too many taken he tried to smile through it all.  I wouldn't leave his side.  NOTHING is more important than being with them.  Maybe too you could ask him if there is anything you can do to help make him more comfortable and if there is anything he wants to talk about.  I wish we would have talked a little more about how much our lives had already meant(35 years).  It would have helped to hear it one more time.  I was too scared to ask him how scared he was.  I just didn't want to upset him anymore than necessary.  I think he was going through his own life and he knew how much I loved him.  But I said over and over " I love you" nonetheless.  

No manuals for this.  Just tons of heartache.  Hug whenever you can.  My husband was in a lot of pain so it was kind of tough to get too near for hugging a lot so I massaged his legs and did what i could to make him comfortable and slept (ha) nearby listening for any little sound of discomfort.  I was there to help him crossover with the least amount of anguish.  Now I suffer as he was the only person who meant anything to me.  

Do what you can.  Whatever it is will be right.

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Permalink Reply by kathleen akin on April 1, 2015 at 5:01pm

Thank you for your response...even though it was hard to read. We are going along acting as normal as usual although I "feel" like I don't have enough time. We met late in life so I've only been with him for 12 years. It's not enough and I feel cheated.

He is not in much pain right now except for around his middle. Now we know why, there are 2 big tumors on his adrenal glands. I have been begging him for the past 2 years to get this checked out and he did, or thought he did. All the Drs around here dropped the ball. He was the one who asked if he could have a CT Scan of his abdomen. And there they were. All this time.  I reacted badly, angry. At him at the Drs at God. Why why why did no one LOOK at him???

So now it's too late. They said 6 months to 2 years and the treatments they want to do will give him only "months not years"

I feel a sense of panic when I'm not with him. I'm ok when I am. I've raged at God and the world that I wished it could be me, not him, because I'm not afraid of dying. I WANT to die when he goes but I don't say this. He spends his time being brave and comforting me. He is worried about me. I hate that I cause this.  I hate that he still has to go to work! What a waste of time!!! But we need money. I hate everything and I'm not sticking around when he goes. I don't care what anyone thinks. I already know that is screwed up thinking but I'm used to it. I'm bipolar and it just goes with the territory and always has for me. I don't even want to think about being without him....

How is it that you didn't have hospice help? Was it just so sudden you didn't know he was that close? I fear that. He's home alone right now.I hear about people getting diagnosed and then die so quickly and you wonder how did that happen. Now I know. I'm sorry for you. And me. This cancer is awful.

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Permalink Reply by Richard G on June 8, 2015 at 8:40pm

Kathleen, I'm so sorry, my thoughts are with you and Rocky. Just know that you have friends here who understand. My heart aches for you because I know the pain you're going through. All I can do is send hugs and prayers.

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Permalink Reply by kathleen akin on June 10, 2015 at 12:52pm

thank you Richard.

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