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Permalink Reply by kathleen akin on March 28, 2015 at 4:09pm

People are starting to ask me what's going on and us Rocky any better or he WILL get better. I don't know what to say. I just cry

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on March 28, 2015 at 6:05pm

I'm so sorry, Kathy. My husband and I were together for almost 13 years when he died, so about the same as you and your husband. 

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Permalink Reply by kathleen akin on March 31, 2015 at 4:16pm

How long did you have with him after he found out? How did you get through it. I'm having such a hard time. My husband seems to be doing so much better than me, but he does everything better than me so I shouldn't be surprised. :) Any mention of his illness, any time I have to stop and think about it, anything...I'm set off and crying. It's hard to work because I can't control my emotions.  I've never been one to cry at work. Now I can't stop the tears.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on June 10, 2015 at 4:15pm

kathleen,

I'm so sorry, I didn't see your response until now.  He and I were together for nearly 13 years, married for literally one week to the day when he died of a sudden heart attack. We had no idea there was a problem, and he died pretty much immediately. I wasn't with him when he died, though my sister and BIL were.  So it was a different situation from yours; in our case, there was no foreknowledge of illness or death.

Don't kick yourself for not being as strong as you think you should be, or for crying. I think in some ways it's easier for the person that's ill -- not easy, to be sure, but easier in the sense that they will not be left behind.  It's been nearly 3 years since my husband died, and I still cry a lot and can't control my emotions. I don't care who knows or who sees it. You do what you have to do, and don't be concerned about who sees it (unless you think you will be fired from your job, in which case maybe go into the bathroom or something when you cry at work)

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Permalink Reply by kathleen akin on June 10, 2015 at 4:50pm

Hi bluebird. Thanks for responding. I keep thinking about people who lose their loved one suddenly like you did. If that makes it harder or easier or what? It would be a shock. I feel like this is going in slow motion sometimes and sometimes I wish it were just OVER, but then I stop myself and I know I don't want it to be over.

I do cry in the bathroom at work...a lot. I actually work with 3 counselors, yet they are kind of useless to me. I'm the office assistant and I feel I can't talk to any of them. I did open up to these 2 young sister missionaries last night. I don't know why. It was crazy. They are younger than any of my kids so I don't know why I thought they would get me. Probably they didn't. So...I have no one but Rocky to cry to yet I feel like I should be strong for him and let him cry. He's really only done that one time in front of me. I said "we can't be late" to where ever the heck we were going because "its not fair to the other people" So that made him cry. Because I was worried about being fair to other people. I think he just hurt and didn't want to go where we were going... But clumsy and dumb of me. To say that. I do that a lot. I get mad when he's messy. Like that should matter. It still jumps out at me and I say stuff to him about it. I shouldn't. Why does that even matter to me????

And to read that even after 3 years you still cannot get past it to where it doesn't get to you. I've known Rocky for 12 years. He is my everything. I wish I had someone to be responsible for. To take care of so that I know I have a reason to go on. But I don't. How do you make life worth living if you don't?

Thanks for letting me ramble.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on June 10, 2015 at 6:27pm

I don't know which way is harder, sudden death or one preceded by an illness. I know that in my case, the timing of it made it even worse (he died literally one week to the day after our wedding), but even if it had happened a few years later the suddenness of it would have been horrible. The one good thing is that nothing was left unsaid or undone between us.  He knew/knows I love him, and I knew/know he loves me. We told each other at least a couple of times each day, and showed each other in many ways as well.  So there was nothing important that was left unresolved.  I would suggest that if you feel there is anything unresolved between you and your husband, and as long as you don't feel it would cause either of you to feel worse, you get things sorted.  I hope he recovers or at least has more good quality time than expected, but either way I think it's good to make sure everything is clear between you.

Have you considered finding a therapist? That doesn't work for everyone, but maybe it would work for you. Might be something to consider, anyway. I don't mean one of the people you work with, I mean someone new, someone objective, someone who doesn't already know you.  Maybe Rocky should do the same.

I'll tell you what, I cry to my husband all the time, even though he died. I feel guilty doing so, because I don't want to make him feel sad or make things worse for him, but he is the only one who can truly understand what this is like for me. 

I understand feeling bad about getting mad or annoyed at your husband. But right now you are under immense stress, and that is going to come out in all kinds of strange ways. If you can redirect it so that it's not at your husband, you will probably feel better about it, but sometimes shit is just going to come out. I think part of it is also probably just wanting your life to be normal, to be as it should be with him, for your own sake and for his, and part of that I guess would be not wanting to be late to an event, not wanting him to leave his clothes on the floor or dirty dishes in the sink or whatever. I get that.  If you can, though, I'd say try not to focus on that stuff, because it really won't matter later.  I wish my husband were here to leave his dirty socks on the floor, even though it annoyed me when he did it when he was here.

You said your husband was hurting -- do you mean physically? And if so, he or you should speak to his doctor(s) about better pain management. I don't know much about liver cancer, so I don't know how much pain eradication is possible, but maybe there is some other medication he could take that would help with that.

Not everyone is affected the same way I am, apparently.  Some people are (some of them are on this site), some aren't.  It won't necessarily be the same for you as it is for me. Sometimes I hesitate to post how it is for me, because I don't want to discourage people like you or people whose loved one has recently died. At the same time, when my husband died and I started searching for forums like this, at first I kept reading a lot of (in my opinion) crap about this being a "journey", and how "there's a reason for everything", etc.  Even if there is some truth to that, it's not the stuff I needed to hear/read.  I needed to read posts from other people who were suffering as I was, as I am.  Not because I wanted anyone else to be suffering, but just so that I felt one tiny iota less alone. I knew I wasn't crazy for feeling as I did/do, and really wouldn't have cared even if I were, but it was even more isolating to only read posts from people who were settling into what they called their "new normal", dating, "moving on", etc.  Once I found posts (here and elsewhere) from people who felt more as I did, it helped the tiniest bit -- and I have had other people tell me that my posts have helped them in the same way.  So if anything I say/type helps you, then good. If not, if my posts only make you feel worse, then ignore them, as that's certainly not my intent. 

You say that you ant someone to be responsible for, to take care of, so that you have a reason to go on.  If you don't have kids, have you considered adopting a pet or two? There are so many cats and dogs in shelters that need good, loving homes, that need someone to love them and take care of them.  Maybe wait and see how it goes with your husband, and if he does die then adopt some time after that.  For some people, adopting a pet right away helps; for others, allowing some time to pass first is better.  Something to consider, anyway.

Don't worry about rambling, here.  We all do it, myself most definitely included.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}

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Permalink Reply by kathleen akin on June 11, 2015 at 11:42am

Bluebird that is a nice post. Thank you.

A lot of what you suggested has already come to me. I am the kind of person who seeks out help. I am going to start going back to the church I have ignored my whole adult life, because I think I am going to need them, and I already know they are great at being there for people. They excel at taking care of their own. I mean LDS people. I have many conflicts with what they preach, but I know people are people...and I'm going to need them and they do know how to be there for people like me. They already have. It's hard tho as I have to eat a lot of my words when I have rejected them all my adult life.

I actually do see someone for mental health issues. She is not a talk therapists but I'm going to ask for that. Rocky nods his head when I suggest it...but I doubt he will ever follow through. He is not one for following through on things. I think it would be good for him. I want it to not be so lonely and painful for him. I can't imagine what goes through his mind right now.  I had a close call with death myself a little over a year ago. I thought I was dying before being taken into emergency surgery. What did I think of? Not my adult kids, not even Rocky. I thought of my little parrots at home and who would take care of them.  I have 6 little birds. I love them. But it's hard to take that time they need and be away from Rocky right now. I am shortchanging them at the moment. They are a bit more involved than a dog or cat (we have a dog too) so I feel guilty about that, but I just want to be with Rocky when he's home, not upstairs in the bird room.

I have thought about every time I've felt crabby lately about how much it bugs me when Rocky is messy. Somehow, even with how bad he feels, he can cook and destroy the kitchen. Then of course later I have to clean it up because he is too tired. I mostly just do it. But I get angry and then feel guilty because I got angry...even if I say nothing to him. I leave him notes a lot lately.

The pain thing is so complicated. He does and has gone to a pain management clinic. He is on very strong narcotics from pain prior to his cancer. The thing is, he is an addict. Or was. I think still is. What ever pain medications he has on hand, he will take too many, not the amount he is supposed to take. And then of course he runs out. He's run out now in fact and is suffering for it.  Makes me so mad as we go through this every single month and have for a few years....so not really a cancer thing, more of an addict thing. He has admitted he did take more just to get high and get his mind of things. I don't blame him for that, seriously, what is the point of not doing anything to feel better? But now he's out. And now it's a problem. He is a man who lives in the now.  A lot of the problems he has, now, and the problems he's going to leave me are a result of that. For him there is no tomorrow, only now, and consequences be dammed. But he is leaving me with quite a big mess financially. So I get angry. And I don't want to deal with his messes. I don't want mine either, but I always take care of my messes. I don't know what to do other than wait until it's over and file bankruptcy. I don't make a lot of money. I do have good health ins. and that is why I have my job.

I have grown kids. They have their lives and even though they are fond of Rocky it's like they are keeping their distance. I had thought they would keep me in their mind, call or whatnot. but they don't. I'm not sure why. I call them and they are supportive then at that time, but other than that I don't think they want this in their lives. He is only their step dad. I don't know if that's it or something else, but I think I'm on my own here.

Thanks to all the people on this site. All the people who take the time to read my rants, my worries, my fears. And respond. You guys are strangers and yet you reach out.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on June 11, 2015 at 11:36pm

kathleen,

You should do whatever helps you, but if you don't agree with the views of the LDS church, have you considered finding another church family where you might feel more welcomed and with which your views are more closely aligned? In my opinion, if you have to "eat your words" (and your beliefs, essentially) in order to be with or belong with a group, then that's probably not the right group for you.  But I am not you, so I don't really know what's best for you, only you do.

It's good you're seeing someone for mental health issues; i'm sure she will be ale to recommend a good talk therapist for you.  If Rocky doesn't want to speak with a therapist then I guess that's that, but maybe if one just went to see him and tried talking with him, that would help? Maybe to kind of ease him into it....

I know it's hard to take care of your pets -- I managed to keep our cat fed even when my husband first died, but it was very much by rote, and I couldn't give him the attention he needed and deserved.  For now, just make sure your birds and other pets are fed, watered, cared for to the best of your ability, that's really all you can do right now.   

I can see where Rocky's addiction issues would absolutely complicate his pain management. Are the doctors at the pain management clinic aware of  his issues? If not, they should probably be made aware. Maybe they can give him alternative meds that are not so addicting.  Not sure how his pain can be dealt with otherwise, or how to keep him from taking more meds than he should and then running out. Maybe medical marijuana would help?

It's a shame that you will be left with financial issues.  If you (and Rocky) can, try to get as much of that sorted now as possible.  Maybe bring in an attorney, someone you trust, especially if there are any documents (like a will, or insurance papers) that Rocky needs to sign. I am in a bad financial situation as well, so I know what it's like. I did declare bankruptcy -- it's not fun, but it's not as bad as it seems.

I'm guessing that your kids probably feel uncomfortable and don't know how to help you. Maybe you should directly tell them that you need their help, their emotional support?  Rocky may "only" be their stepdad, but you're their mom.

Most of the people on this site, at least the ones I've "met", are great, very helpful.  We are all in the same hellish place, so we know what it's like for each other.

 

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Permalink Reply by kathleen akin on June 15, 2015 at 1:00am

I think because they are more in my DNA than any other religion o Len towards them. I know since all religions are run by men none of them are going to be perfect
Yes the pain management Dr is full are or his former issues but as he us dying are they really issues? It's so complicated. Sorry for my vents! Thank you to all who read and respond.

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Permalink Reply by Jesse's Mom on June 12, 2015 at 7:24pm

Bluebird, that was a beautiful response to Kathleen...

Kathleen, sending you gentle thoughts as you face this situation. I have had two children die, one as an infant and one at age 28, 3 years ago this past Wednesday.  Hopefully you can find good care for your husband as you endure this horrible situation. Take care. Hugs.

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Permalink Reply by kathleen akin on June 15, 2015 at 12:55am

Laurie-I don't even know what to say ...to lose 2 children. I have no words. That has to be the very worst to go through. I am facing the loss of my darling husband but so far as I know all my children are ok. Hugs and love back to you you Laurie

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Permalink Reply by Ashlie Bishop on March 29, 2015 at 8:16pm

I am sorry for the recent news. I am new too and just lost my father to aggressive cancer that had spread back over back in September, just 6 weeks after his diagnosis. It seems like you'll never get over it. That you will never get on. I don't want to sit here and tell you that the days will get easier, cause even I don't believe that yet. My stepmom and father married just 9 months before his death. Writing about it helps. I still write letters to my father and post all over his facebook wall. You're right, it is not fair. We told my father that he was going to beat this even though we were told the day he was diagnosed that there was no happy ending here. But that's what my father wanted to hear. The only advice I can give you is don't dread on the thought of the death. Focus on what time you do have left with him. Cherish each day and make new memories.

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