I'm new to this sort of thing and I'm hoping it'll help.

I lost my dad 5 weeks ago. He'd been ill for 3 years but we couldn't get a straight diagnosis so they couldn't do anything. After a big battle (skipping over three years of fighting with drs, social workers, hospitals, moving him into sheltered housing, our whole days being taken up by it) We did finally get a diagnosis of Vascular Parkinsonism. A parkinsons type illness caused by many small strokes. We got given a promise of intensive rehabilitation but it didn't happen. He got left in bed for four months in the rehab ward of the geriatric hospital. He lost his ability to walk and any function from the waist down. he developed hospital acquired pneumonia and fluid on the lungs (that a consultant admitted was at least aggravated by being in bed so long if not caused by that). He also developed congestive heart failure. 

The hospital tried to admit him to long term care but he refused point blank. We had found a really good nursing home and he had reconciled himself to going there and was determined to leave the hospital. The home were amazing, cared for him really well. We discovered the hospital had taken away all his pain relief which made his gp furious and once they had put that back in place he was more settled. They spoiled him on his birthday, decorated the room, made a huge fuss of him. 

The home had an outbreak of noro virus after Christmas and they'd shut it to visitors. Dad had a touch of "the runs" but nothing serious. 

Very quickly overnight on the Wed 21st into Thurs 22nd Jan he deteriorated very rapidly. I think he may have had another stroke but we're not sure. We got called to the hospital and sat in his room with his day and night - slept upright in chairs or on a really uncomfortable couch if they could give us one. He died on Sunday 25th January. I wasn't with him because I'd gone for a sleep and didn't get back in time. My sister was with him but I feel so guilty.

at the beginning I just kept going. Organising the funeral and clearing out his flat. My school were amazing (I'm a teacher) and basically said to take whatever time i needed and we'd sort it later. The funeral was a week on the Wednesdayafter he died, on the Thursday we closed up his flat and drove to my sister's in Dundee, on Friday morning I drove 70 miles to Aberdeen and went straight to school. 

I feel like I'm getting worse. I have a chronic pain condition and My meds were all screwed up during the time in hospital because I wasn't taking as much so that I wasn't medicated during the day. 

I can't eat properly. My dietician gave me a low fibre diet to try and control my irritable bowel plus there's heaps I can't eat just now cos it makes me feel or be sick. I can't sleep. My gp gave me sleeping pills to try and shock my body back into a normal sleeping rhythm. I'm sleeping only really when I take them but I'm not taking them all the time because I have a friend who can't get off them so I'd rather be sleepless than that. I take them when I can't physically function anymore.
I had to tell my boss I wasn't coping at school. He was amazing and took all the extra paperwork off my desk and told me not to concentrate on the senior classes, give the junior classes thing they can do without too much input. He's also taken some classes off my timetable on days I teach full days. He was going to do it for a couple of weeks, my headteacher said we'll keep it like that until easter which is 5 weeks away. So they're being ace and my senior kids all know what happened (at my choice, there's no point lying) so they are being very understanding. 

I'm just finding it really difficult. Logic tells me 5 weeks isn't a long time but I'm beating myself up. Doesn't help that one of my friends said "everyone goes through this you've just got to move on" and my own sister said last week "it's been 4 weeks, we need to move on now".I can't move on. noone in my family will talk about the time in the hospital so it just goes round and round in my head and I'm having awful dreams any time I do sleep. My church Iis good but I'm no able to reach out and say actually I'm struggling and I need hep because my head keeps telling me I should be fine by now. Whenever I start to get upset I have to stop myself thinking about it because I'm scared if I cry properly ill never stop. 

I keep having really morbid thoughts like what's happened to his body and how i didn't want to leave him in the cemetery lying in the ground. My sister keeps saying that what made him dad isn't there anymore but i can't get over that the part of him that used to pick me up in a big bear hug, sit me on his knee and sing to me, hold my hand on our trips to the shop is gone and is lying under all that ground. I keep looking up what happens in funeral homes and what they do to get them ready for the funeral, what happens to a body when someone dies. I hate what it does to me but I can't stop.

I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm thinking about him every minute of every day, replaying what happened in the hospital over and over in my head.

When does it get better? I'm 32 and single, I'm so acutely aware on what I'm missing out and what I'm going to miss in the future, no dad to give me away if I get married etc. He was only 68. It's so unfair. I miss him. Am I going mad? Everyone else seems to be coping.

Viv

Views: 207

Replies to This Discussion

Hello Viv,first of I would like to say that I am so sorry you lost your father,it truly is a very hard loss for anyone. Secondly it's ONLY been 5 weeks! I lost my father year and half ago. It gets easier but please don't feel like you need to rush yourself,go at your own pace and don't be afraid to express your emotions.
Thanks Sarah. I know that logically but I can't persuade myself to believe it. No one will talk about it so I just have what happened in the hospital running round my head over and over again. The picture of how he looked and the sound of him crying in pain the first night. I can't get rid of it.
I'm sorry Viv,it can be very difficult to push away those memories. You have to remind yourself of the good memories of him and all the things that you guys did together. All the beautiful things that you guys did over the years. It is tough when your family or those around you doesn't want to talk about the emotions that you are feeling. This group can be very good for talking about things.
Viv, I am a teacher. Single. 36. Lost my father at the age of 62 and my mother at the age of 65. You are not going mad. It hurts. A lot. I tstruggle with sharing my emotions as well. I want ... I NEED... To cry. But I don't allow myself to go there for fear of never stopping. School is the best part of my day. The kids bring me such joy. :) It's the paperwork overwhelms me.
That's exactly it Jill, if I could just stand up in front of the kids all day it'd be fine. It's all the paperwork and beurocracy that's beating me right now. The kids know what happened and are being amazing.

It's going to be 4 years without my father this June. He died at 67-2 days before his birthday. I felt like I had to put up a front cuz I was deemed "the responsible one". I absolutely could not cry to save my soul, especially when I had to do all the work of closing his affairs-all of it. Anyway,it took months for me to finally break down & bawl my eyes out. I'd honestly suggest you see a professional counselor, since no one else will listen. They can have a better perspective than you could've come up with.

im so sorry viv it wz my dads anvrsy yday pain is still kiling me 

i hte hosplts i do i try 2 avoid setng ft in thm after my dad died in a horbl wrd he got admit on 2nd mrch 2012 but died on 3rd in 2012 nasty bitchyy nrse s it did giv a dam thy did not 

yea peple say sily cruel thngs 2 us wish mks us feal wrse not bter 

i do morbt htng do i thng yea id rther go 2 funrell hme if im tking ill or so on i do

Thanks for your lovely comments. I have one friend who has told me she wants to help me talk which is amazing I'm just not sure how realistic it is since she has a toddler who isn't well.

We've just spent £2000 on a headstone. I can't believe how much it all costs. We had to be really careful with the wording because of mum and how they were separated but still together. Very odd.

I have a psychologist but she's very focused on finishing a particular set of workbooks before she retires so there's really no time to speak to her.

I completely lost it in the supermarket tonight because of a certain type of gingerbread dad used to always love and want us to buy him all the time. Honestly, crying over gingerbread! I do wonder what's happening to me.

viv

i sea thngs my dad wud lk i end up buyng thng my dad will lk it thn wn i get bk hme it tks me a bit befre i bk 2 my senses if i ever will thng why did i but it my dad loved sweats he did mars bars kit kats he lovd he loved a lot of sweetss he did wn thy brng new sweatss it in a shop brain seas 2 go ded i end up getng new sweats thng my dad will lk it evn if sweats tse foul or sicl not elizng iv spent a lot mony on sweats thng my dad will enjy it he will 

RSS

Latest Activity

Gary Ruby is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Tuesday
Julie is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Nov 5
Speed Weasel commented on Speed Weasel's blog post A Return to GriefShare and a Crisis of Identity
"GriefShare is a church based support group. They do have meetings online, but the usual format is a group of people experiencing a loss getting together weekly to watch videos (13 weeks total) about grief and loss. After the video, we talk about the…"
Oct 21
Natasha commented on Speed Weasel's blog post A Return to GriefShare and a Crisis of Identity
"is griefshare a website like this?"
Oct 21
dream moon JO B updated their profile
Oct 16
Morgan Sangrouber is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Oct 10
Addie replied to Kali's discussion It was not supposed to be like this in the group Being the Other Woman/Other Man
"Kali I’m so so sorry you are going through this. Grief is hard enough, but going through it secretly, all the while having to continue showing up for your kids, is just brutal. Perhaps your friend was careful to hide your conversations behind…"
Sep 26
Kali added a discussion to the group Being the Other Woman/Other Man
Thumbnail

It was not supposed to be like this

In 2014 I met the most amazing man ever. We were both in our very early 20s and were looking for different things at the time. We ceased communication for roughly 6 months. During which time, he completed basic training and joined the Air Force. By the time we reconnected he was already at his first duty station.. 8 hours away.We decided we wanted to continue our relationship and proceeded to cultivate a deeply emotional connection. Regular calls and video chats, visits while he was home on…See More
Sep 26

© 2024   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service