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Letting go, forgiving, and living for your kids. How?
My mama died on Oct. 19th 2014. She had early onset alzheimers. She had it for 4 years only when she suddenly declined and went into cardiac arrest from a massive pulmonary embolism. She was in a rehab hospital when she passed. She went there to get some therapy for awhile though her home was at a supportive living. She was the kindest warmest most full of life person I ever met. She was the light of our lives and adored her grandkids. She was only 67. I am still in shock. Every day I have so many questions. How did she decline so fast? Who's fault may it have been if she got worse? Maybe she had bad care at the rehab? Was it my fault for not bringing her home with me to care for? For not seeing her more often. For being scared of her new personality. I had to choose between my kids and her. Bring her here and risk my kids safety/sanity with a dementia patient or keep her in the senior living options. Things were getting a tiny bit better for me till yesterday when I went to go pick her things up at her old apartment at the supportive living. The director there gave orders to maintenance staff to throw out all her things in the apartment. I was in a state of paralysis and total shut down after she died and didn't even remember with what was going on...funeral etc to get her stuff out asap and to arrange for storage/trucks whatever. After calling the police when I got there yesterday I found out apparently after someone dies at the supportive living you have 15-30 days to claim the stuff or they can do what they want with it. I just assumed id get to it when I was ready. It never hit me that it wasnt safe. Furniture, personal items, all her clothes, family treasures, pictures, a family quilt passed down. A memories chest. They even threw out my 2 year old's favorite stuff dog she had since she was born that she forgot there. Right now I feel like she just died again. I am sitting her thinking of doing something to the director there that will most likely get me in prison fast. Or the other option to just commit suicide as I don't want to live with the guilt I have. For not getting her things faster. For not taking care of her better. For living in a world with people like that Director of operations who have no heart or soul. Who do not care about the people he has known for years and bonded with and will just toss out a life time of memories to make space for people offering money. He could have called one of 9 local donation centers that would have come in an instant with trucks to get the stuff. To send me a letter with intent to toss it out or reached out to me as much as possible via phone calls. I will never understand what made him so evil that he would just throw it out. I mean, sell it, donate it, give it to his friends. I pray the men who were ordered to toss it out looked through it all and took it for themselves with the thought of "why would someone do this." That is like food businesses that take perfectly fresh food and throw it all out so that no one can eat it. Starving people would give anything for it. Instead they make them go through the trash out back. Why not donate it. Or if you cant because of health regulations...Just put it in a clean bag and lay it to the side out back with a note maybe on it. "Fresh food, clean bag. Help yourself." The world needs to be purged of these heartless people. I hope when their judgement day comes or karma comes calling they will fall to their knees in desperation. Anyway, my mind is so messed up right now. I can not stop crying over the loss of her things and physical memories. It feels as if a fire was set and all was lost. I always felt that was such a great devastation for people. I hate myself. I dont know how to forgive myself or the people who wronged my mother and I. How do you let go.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Jill on
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Dixie, I wish I had some words of wisdom but I am in the same place you are. My mother passed from the same horrible disease at the age of 65. I too blame myself for decisions made and not made. It's hard. I had great support while my mother was in a nursing home; although it was still tough. I was doing "ok" until recently and now it feels as if my whole world is crashing down around me. I unfortunately had to clean my mothers room within hours of her passing. "No hurry" they said "take as long as you like" but someone new was moving in asap. So I bagged/boxed it all up ad it is still sitting in my garage. Haven't been able to go through it yet. My heart goes out to you.
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Permalink Reply by Dixie Brossart on
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how long did your mother live with the alz till she passed? i cant help thinking it moved faster once she went into the rehab/nursing home. I want to blame someone so bad. I want to blame God, but I feel like He is all I have to connect with my mom. I pray every day for some sort of sign from my mom that she is OK. Or that she forgives me. That she is not mad about her things that I let slip away. Is it weird that I hope she will come to me in a dream and talk to me? That she will appear in front of me at night maybe lol. Or that i still message her on facebook and talk to her regularly there. And every time I open the message window to talk to her I am hopeful of a "message seen" notice. Omg, my world is crashing down too it feels like. And it is awful that I can't seem to think of my kids first or push past it. To not think over and over that I want to die and be with her. I want to be unselfish. I have so many people around me. My family for support but still feel alone and isolated. I dont want to talk to them. I dont want to hear...how are u doing. Push through, take your meds. Pray to God. I want to hear my anger, sadness, feelings shared. Same old words from same old people make me hate them sometimes. So glad I have you guys. And btw Jill I havent met one person till you now who had same situation with their mom. Tell me your story please.
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Its tough when the apartment is rented out and everything has to be moved out in the next 60 days. Also I seem to agree that when you move a parent to rehab/nursing home things tend to move faster and in my case, we had the parent at home all the time so things somehow moved slowly and we survived many crisis. They needed the space so I didnt move back in then as that would have complicated the in-home care and perhaps I did the right thing ?
I'll come back with more later Dixie as I am leaving for home today. But yes, 67 is very young so my support to you. In fact even at any age its devastating.
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Dixie, I was thinking the same thing this morning. I really hate people sometimes. I want to scream at them. I don't want to hear their petty problems or their successes. I want to scream "my parents are dead!" ( my father passed 4 1/2 years ago ). You too are the first person I know who lost her mother too soon to alz. My mother progresses fast once she entered the nursing home; But I held off putting her there until the last possible moment. I question my decisions all the time. God is all I have too. I actually love that you talk to her over FB! My mom didn't have an account but I think it would be therapudic to "talk" to her that way. My mom probably had alz for about 6 years. Her official diagnosis didn't come until much later but the signs were there for a long time. Prayers for you.
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Forgiving yourself takes a long time and there is no need to rush this at all. Your mind is messed up and thats normal for what has happened. ONE MOMENT AT A TIME FOR NOW.
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Forgiving yourself takes a long time and there is no need to rush this at all. Your mind is messed up and thats normal for what has happened. ONE MOMENT AT A TIME FOR NOW.
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Forgiving yourself takes a long time and there is no need to rush this at all. Your mind is messed up and thats normal for what has happened. ONE MOMENT AT A TIME FOR NOW.
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My first post here and I came to your thread for some reason. My mom passed away one month after your mom, November 19th, 2014. She had a horrible disease that caused dementia in her final year of life, among so many other things. I cannot imagine how upset you were when all your mom's things were gone. I've got some family that are being real jerks and not sure exactly what I will get to keep of my moms. What I keep reminding myself is that my mom wouldn't care now. They are just materialistic things. I have her memories, alive and within me. She wouldn't want me to suffer because of *things*. Still that guy was a jerk, he should have at least called you and remind you, especially at a time of need. I am sorry that you had to go through that. The hate is normal, for whatever that's worth. But please don't hate yourself, think about what your mom would say to that. I know my mom wouldn't want me to hate myself and I can't imagine anyone's mom would. Stay strong.
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