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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Jesse's Mom on
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I think that Bluebird, you honestly discuss things that lurk in the background of the grieving heart...the anger at losing someone, the not wanting to face a life without our loved one...the questioning of one's belief system/faith...
....having just gotten back from the gravesite of my son, I cannot say I am not angry that he was taken...or that when I heard there were "guides" that I thought (no, screamed) some not-so-good things (at them), to say that my belief system hasn't done a 180, yeah, just because of the things I experienced in the death of my son...I find that I am not in step with many former friends or people who were in my circle of life before...
...I understand that you are seeking your own personal experience...for you to own...it is my gentle wish that you would find that which you are seeking...
...but what I read most is that your love for your husband is eternal and true...
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Thank you, Laurie. My love for my husband absolutely is eternal and true, as is his love for me. I just hope we can be reunited. In the meantime, I truly do hope that he will come visit me, that I can see him and speak with him. Thank you for your good thoughts. I hope you are able to find some peace as well.
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Thanks, peace and sleep is elusive at times.
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Permalink Reply by MarieSte on
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I too lost my soulmate so I write poems and articles to express my grief. I attach just one of the poems I've written. I believe the words. I know everyone has their own beliefs but I hope it will help someone who has commented in this feed. I believe love is eternal. The pain we feel now we are physically apart from our love ones that we have lost is because we love them so deeply. If I had the choice to turn back time to know how much pain I would feel from his loss and the wait to be reunited with him would I still love him would I still choose him. The answer forever will be yes because my love for him is worth more than any pain I feel. Whether I had one hour one week one year or more I would choose to love him again. Now I live without him. The clock will keep ticking I will keep waiting to be reunited. What will I do with that time. Yes I am in pain but I will try to help others as a take tentative steps. The people we touch or have contact with in our lives are so important. I know it's so hard to focus on others when our lives are in torment. But even if we talk to others in these threads they know they are not alone that there are others who are experiencing their own pain through grief. None of us are the same we are all unique in our stories but what unites us is the fact we all love the people we lost. We love them so much our pain is intolerable. It's hard to help ourselves as our pain blinds us. We have been shattered into pieces and our key piece has been taken from us. If we help each other we might be able to put back a couple of pieces we still won't be the same and shouldn't expect to be. How we live out the waiting time we have left is up to us but I will try to help anyone I can even if it's writing a poem or commenting on a thread.
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Permalink Reply by Val Harden on
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Helping other is best to feel better. I had the best day since my husband passing when I found it's owner to a dog who I kept for 5 days in my home. They were so "happy" when they were united and so was I. Your poems are so beautiful Marieste. Thank You Marieste. Giving joy and love to others gives me joy and peace.
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Thank you for your kind words Val. indeed helping and bringing joy to others can bring some comfort. I will continue to write as I didn't write anything before I lost my soulmate but now he is the ink in my pen. His spirit does indeed guide me and helps me to write my poems.
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Couples united like this in marriage think and breathe permanence, and their eternal happiness is based on this idea. For all these reasons they are no longer two but one person - that is, one flesh. To spiritual eyes it is plainly clear that they cannot be torn apart by either one's death.
This new thing should be added to these observations: that these two are not even separated by the death of one, since the spirit of the deceased husband or wife continues to live with the husband or wife who is not yet deceased. And this continues until the other one's death, when they meet again and reunite themselves and love each other more tenderly than before because they are in the spiritual world.
Emanuel Swedenborg, Love in Marriage, no. 321
first published in 176
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Val, Emanuel's writing is inspirational and beautiful thank you for sharing his words of wisdom. Indeed we are now one as his spirit memories thoughts and love live in me and speak through me. My latest poem is attached. Bless you.
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Bluebird, I too believe that I am married to my wife for eternity. I too would never date again. I too have no plans for my life. I too think of dying to end this horrific pain. My wife was with hospice at the end. Died right here in our bed that I sit in now as I write this. Did she go to heaven or just cease to be? For me it's a choice, God or nothing. I must choose God. Think about it.
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The Keys to heaven is "Love" and living your life to full fill God's purpose in our lives. I believe in the Divine One and not one religion is going to Heaven. All religions are going to Heaven what ever that may be. We are all spiritual beings and all us will return to home to be reunited with our deceased loved ones. Many people who had NDE went to heaven were not faithful in the teachings of Christianity To scare (hell pit and fire forever) someone into believing in a certain religion is mind control and wrong. The loving God I know wouldn't punish someone in torment and pain forever. 'Proof in this life may never come, that is why it is called faith." I see proof of God everyday and I have faith too and knowing God hears me and answers my prays. I have experienced this many times in my life and I don't go to church. My church is in my heart. Only God knows want are my true intentions. Who is the true Church? Is it Catholicism,Mormonism,Jehovah Witness,Seventh Day Adventist,Judaism,Hinduism,Islam,Buddhism and Protestant Based Churches? Who decides God or man want is the true Church? I say Man not God. Man has too many flaws to ever decide want is the true Church. To rely on man to give me the truth about God is a joke.
I thank God for letting me having the experience of loving someone unconditional, This is my proof God exist. And I know for sure deep in my heart,soul and mind my loving husband will be waiting me for when I cross over to meet him. Heaven is want we believed in the physical world. You will see Jesus Zell and I will see and be with my Husband forever.
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Val,
I don't believe in god, but if there is a god then I agree that no one religion is the "right" way, and that no human could really know which of the world's religions, if any, comes closest to understanding what god actually is.
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This new thing should be added to these observations: that these two are not even separated by the death of one, since the spirit of the deceased husband or wife continues to live with the husband or wife who is not yet deceased. And this continues until the other one's death, when they meet again and reunite themselves and love each other more tenderly than before because they are in the spiritual world.
Emanuel Swedenborg, Love in Marriage, no. 321
first published in 17
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