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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Wander on
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Nor mine. Never. Not until this miserable heart stops beating at last, and I can finally take my husband's hand and leave this horrible world behind.
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Permalink Reply by Veronica Hoffman on
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Nor mine. Ever.
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Your doubt is irrelevant. I know my relationship with my husband. I know I will always mourn. In this one respect, I absolutely do know my future.
I am wondering why it is so important to you, though, the idea that those of us who have lost our soulmates will at some point be happy again. Why are you so invested in trying to assume that you know our spirits better than we do, especially since you don't?
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Permalink Reply by Pam on
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No one knows how another person grieves and mourns....only each individual knows how painful their own loss is. True compassion understands that & although others around may not know how it actually is for us, they do understand that we each grieve uniquely.
I recently read that another widow had said that unhelpful comments made her despair even more. That happened a lot to me in the early days following my darlings death. It doesn't happen now, because like you, I've been truthful, and all I asked was that loved ones showed some patience and understanding. I didn't want anyone to fix it or ease my pain, because that's not possible. Eventually, those who walked with me, stopped the platitudes. That has helped me to stop feeling defensive. So I hope Bluesky might consider this. Truly - no words can make anyone feel better. There are no words.
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No, nobody knows the future. When you said "I do know my future" is not actually your future, but just a plan/wish and future result can be different from the reality
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You are wrong again. I don't know what else the future may hold, or what might happen to/for anyone else, but I know my own soul, my own feelings, my own limits. I know that I will never recover from my husband's death, nor ever be happy again. You, however, do not know me or anyone else posting here, but you make certain assumptions about us regardless. So I'm asking you again -- why are you so invested in the idea that people who are suffering from the death of a soulmate/partner/spouse might be happy again?
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You will never know, as you don't know me and you are not in my life. As for me, I already know.
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