Why Should I?

     When my husband was alive, we didn't go very many places. We were home a lot, until summer, and then we were gone on the motorcycle a lot, camping, fishing, seeing the kids and grandkids, etc. If we hadn't had that bike, we wouldn't have traveled so much, though.

     Now that he's gone, people keep telling me I need to get out and go places all the time. Why do I need to change my habits now that I'm a widow? Is this a rule? Why can't I just live the way I'm used to living? What, you don't want me to kill myself, so you'll make me live and suffer, AND tell me HOW to live TOO?? 

     I'm moving out of this town. I've had enough.

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Permalink Reply by Wander on June 9, 2014 at 6:20pm

Precisely what I'm being told. A very well-meaning person told me today that I need to embrace living, even if I can look forward to untold years of being alone and miserable without my husband, even if I never experience love again, "because I matter." Really?? That's better than leaving now, on my own terms? I don't want to matter to anyone. I want to be forgotten. I want to disappear without a trace.

Permalink Reply by bluebird on June 9, 2014 at 6:34pm
I completely agree with everything you are both saying, Veronica and Wander. Whether OTHER people feel that i should want to live is irrelevant. They are not in this hell, and they don't know what it's like. I will never "look forward"to anything again, other than to the possibility of being reunited with my husband. I want my family and pets to be happy and well, but other than that literally nothing in this life matters to me anymore.
Permalink Reply by Wander on June 9, 2014 at 8:52pm

Word for word, I completely agree. I just want out of this nightmare. It's complicated by the fact that I have three kids, which should make me want to live... I readily admit that I must be a terrible person and unnatural mother, because it just doesn't. I'm sorry, I truly am, but everything I was died with my husband. I want nothing more than to follow him now.

Permalink Reply by Veronica Hoffman on June 19, 2014 at 3:39am

Dear Wander and bluebird, 

I totally get you. Why should I look forward to living? All I can see is the years stretching out in front of me, empty, cold, gray, dull, boring, and... lifeless. I'm not living anyway. I'm already dead. Everything that was me, is GONE. But I matter, lol. I need to stay here because people need me. What about what I need?? That doesn't seem to matter to them.

Permalink Reply by Wander on June 23, 2014 at 1:50pm

Precisely, exactly, spot on. I'm growing to resent everyone who demands that I stay to continue this hateful existence. I didn't ask for this and I DO NOT WANT IT!!!! (Yes, that's me screaming... I'm sorry.)

Permalink Reply by bluebird on June 23, 2014 at 2:13pm

Exactly.  I am alive due to two reasons: (1) I don't know if that bastard god, if there is one, would try to keep me from my husband if I killed myself, and (2) it would hurt my family.

I will likely kill myself anyway at some point, if it doesn't happen naturally within the next year or so.  This life is fucking TORTURE, especially since I don't even know if my beloved husband's soul still exists. It would be horrible enough if he died but I knew without a doubt that his soul still exists and that we will be together again, but I don't know that, and so I am left in this hell in which I don't know if he exists at all anymore -- and if he doesn't exist, I don't want to either. I am already dead, I died the second he died. If his soul exists, I want my soul to be with his. If his soul doesn't exist, then I don't want my soul to exist either.

Permalink Reply by Wander on June 23, 2014 at 2:15pm

Ditto a thousand times. 

Permalink Reply by Wander on June 27, 2014 at 7:55pm

I may have said this before, Zelda-- I can't remember-- but my husband passed on a Thursday as well, two Thursdays before your beloved. I *hate* Thursdays now-- I can hardly function on a good day, but on Thursdays I can barely get out of bed. I watch the clock all day, thinking, This is when I kissed him goodbye... This is when he last texted me... This is when the kids called me and I told them to call 911... This is when he left me. 

It never stops. The pain never stops. I wish I could just die too.

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on May 24, 2014 at 3:59pm

yep i get sic of thes u shud do ths or u shud 2 it th s way or so on

do it at yore own spead my grief is on slow spead 

its 1s its never lots any 1 r 1s it tell hw we shud be 

sorry fr ba spelling amrs plyng up or typo errors

so sorry for yor loss

Permalink Reply by Calalily on June 18, 2014 at 8:03pm

I am so deeply sorry for your loss.
I lost my husband 2 years and 4 months ago.  We had been married for 35 years. He was my everything.

I don't know how to live without him.  So many people are afraid of dying but I am afraid of living.

I am a Christian and have been since I was 11 years old.  I do believe in God and Heaven and when I am really honest with myself, that's what gets me through.  Even with my faith though, I am so angry at God and tell him often. There are so many unanswered questions.  What hurts even more is that there is no one who can take this pain away, nothing can be done or said to help.

I have wonderful children and young grandchildren but they cannot take my husband's place.  They have their own life.  

The pain is unbearable at times.  I see couples together, families together, people retiring and traveling, I hear people at work talking to their spouses on the phone saying I love you, etc, planning vacations and so on.  I could SCREAM !!  I wanted to grow old with my husband.  He had so many things he wanted to do with the kids.  Now I am left to try and do what I can and it hurts to my soul because he isn't here to do what he so much wanted.  How does a person live with that??

I too have been told … do this, do that, go here, go there….. but blah blah blah is all I hear.  I know most people mean well, but they do not understand.  

I wish with all my heart I had some magic words that would ease your pain and help you this very minute but I don't.  All i can tell you is to grieve like you need to - for as long as you need to and don't let anyone try and tell you different.  

If you haven't already, give all your troubles to God.  He can handle it all….  the screaming, the crying and all your anger.  Believe me i know, he has heard it from me for over 2 years.  I wish I could tell you why things happen like they do but I can't.  Just know that you are cared about and loved.

Permalink Reply by Veronica Hoffman on June 19, 2014 at 3:41am

Thank you, calalilly, I wish you could tell me why, also. But no one can. 

Sometimes the pain hits when I least expect it, and it hits HARD, doubles me over, and makes me scream out loud. I scare people. But they still say the crap they say. SMH.

Permalink Reply by Wander on June 23, 2014 at 1:54pm

Same here. Someone actually told me that after two months, I should "move on." I wanted to scream "F*** YOU!!!!!!" at the top of my lungs. They don't have to exist with this agony. It's not just emotional-- that's bad enough-- but physical as well. My heart literally hurts. I haven't told anyone IRL because I hope and pray I'll die-- maybe I'll have a massive heart attack and my husband will finally come get  me. I don't want to be here, and I have no reason to try to prolong my existence. I'm sorry for my sweet kids, because they lost both parents. I hate every breath I take and I want this misery to end. 

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