Not looking forward to Christmas
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Need help. Depressed.
I lost my beloved mum july 22, 2013. My best friend, my soulmate, my biggest champion and cheerleader. She was wonderful, an ocean of love and kindness. She suffered tremendously for years with cardiomyopathy and lupus. I was her primary caregiver for 14 years. While she was alive, even though she was unwell I felt hopeful and confident of dealing with life. Her mere presence was comforting. Since she passed I just can't go on. All I want to do is curl up and not get out of bed. The grief and pain I feel is undescribable. What makes it worse is that she suffered too much since the past one year. As her family we always protected her, made her happy, cheered and encouraged her. The last few days of her life she was in ICU of a hospital here in India. Hospitals here are horrible. She felt alone, isolated and unhappy while in ICU. She was not treated with kindness and respect there. We her family were kept away from her as the rules in ICU'S are strict. The fact that her last few days were full of pain, suffering and sadness is haunting me. I weep for how much she suffered, I feel guilty because mom was sad before she passed. On her last day she was sedated . We did say goodbye. But I'm not sure she was even aware of anything. I wish I could meet her , see her and beg her for forgiveness. Her happiness was always paramount to us. The fact that her last days were so unhappy pains me. How do I beg for forgiveness. I feel we her family failed her tOwards the end. Somebody please help. The pain, sorrow and guilt is haunting me 24/7. Thank you.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Martha on
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Dia, I can understand what you are going through. After losing my mother who was all things to me nothing is the same. The ICU, the last few days are all horrible everywhere. You had the good sense to come to this site, and that is a healthy step. Believe me, we all suffer the guilt that you are going through. What you are experiencing is all normal. We are here for you.
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Permalink Reply by Richard Eason on
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My wife died at home July 23, 2013 after a 16 month battle with Pancreatic Cancer. I watched her die a little each day. I was against the surgery that she had and it went turned out bad. Many 150 miles round trip and stays at 3 different hospitals from the complications from the surgery. I,the person who could get things done was helpless. The last 30 days her 2 daughters came to visit. They made her uncomfortable and she would only take her medicine from me. The last 3 days I was a lone with her except for the hospice personnel that came once a day. As I watched her slip a way hour by hour and then minute by minute, I realized there was nothing I could have done any better. I am not perfect by no means. You did not run the hospital. You had no control of her care. Be thankful she is not longer suffering. Do you really think your Mother would want you to suffer like you are? She is at peace, just like she would want you to be.
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I understand your pain and I'm sorry for your loss. My mom's death was completely out of the blue and unexpected, she went to sleep December 21st and woke up in heaven on December 22nd 2012. Unfortunately my mom and I had an argument 2 weeks before her death and we did not speak to each other. So I deal with the hurt and guilt that because of me and our stupid argument that the last two weeks of her life were sad because of me! If I only had known I would have held her and told her how much I loved her everyday! So try to find peace in knowing that you were your mom's care taker so she knew how much you loved her! I'm sure she knew the rules at the hospital and knew you didn't abandon her!
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Hello Mel. Thank you for replying. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry that you and your mom argued 2 weeks before she passed . Dealing with the guilt brought on by the argument must be rough. As for my mom she was in bad shape when admitted to the hospital. Apart from her physical suffering her mind was alert and alive.hence she felt alone and abandoned. Hers was an emotional response to the fact that she couldnt see her family in close proximity in the ICU given that we were otherwise always with her. I'm not sure how to deal with this guilt. I dont sleep , I dont want to even step out of my room. Facing the day seems dreadful . Nights are the worst as all the demons come out .
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Thank you Martha for your response. Perhaps you can relate to my experience. I hope what I'm experiencing is indeed normal. For nothing about this pain , grief and loss feels normal.
I appreciate your support. Thank you.
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Dearest Dia,,
I understand how you are feeling but I beleive in my heart your mother knew all that you wanted her to. My mother passed away in a sinilar manner in ICU at the end of a 3 year battle with lung Cancer.i can assure you that once they are sedated that is really the end of awareness. I dont understand how doctors could not allow someones family to be there. Your mother was probably sad because she knew her journey was over..you have done everything you could and most of all your love transcens any mistake you think you have made. You are a wondderful loving daughter and your mother was mourning the loss of you. If i can do anything let me know.my prayers are with you and I hope you find peace
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Dear Cindy,
Thank you so much for replying. Thank you for your kind words and support. Doctors, nurses and hospitals here in India are awful , lousy and nightmarish. The hospital my mum was in is counted as one of the best yet all we experienced was arrogant doctors, callous nurses and extremely strict security staff. Inspite of our doctors orders to allow us to be inside the ICu with my mum especially on the last day we faced a lot of resistance. We have fought with the security guards, nurses etc because once the doctor left they were on their own power trip. I will never understand what they got by keeping us away from our dying mother. I saw the security guards and nurses laughing at us while we were weeping over my mums impending death . Such cruel and evil human beings exist .I will never forgive them. Because of their arrogance and power games my mum felt alone and isolated in the ICU. Thanks to them I'm wrecked with guilt. Yes I know the hospital staff and rules etc are not in my control, but you see for 14 years now I was very aware of my mums every mood, every ache and pain , every joy and sadness. My life revolved around her. It haunts me that she was sad, lonely, suffering all alone in the ICU. How do I beg her for forgiveness?. She did'nt deserve all the pain, trauma and suffering she endured. I'm consumed with grief and I just don't have the energy or will to go on. She was the greatest love of my life. My entire family is shattered. My father cries like a baby. My sister is a zombie. My husband weeps . I want to help them but I myself need help. Thank you for listening Cindy.
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