Not looking forward to Christmas
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Children lost to drugs??
My son, Hunter was 16 when he passed away from a drug overdose (autopsy's not back yet, but I'm pretty sure that's what it will show) on the day after Christmas '09.
This has crushed me. It was something that I had worried about for several years. Then Hunter started passing his drug tests (he was on probabtion) and going to church with me. I feel like I let my guard down.
March 19, he would have been 17....instead of being excited about planning a get together with my side of the family for him, I get to spend the next few weeks wondering when his gravestone will be delivered.
Drugs are so rampant in this area and it seems to me that no one in law enforcement is that concerned. I'm sure they are, but there is so much more that needs to be done. That was my question to them over a year ago, "Does Hunter have to die before you will do anything?
Of course, the day Hunter died, the officer that I had asked that question to...assured me that this was a full investigation and they would find out what happened. Well, you know what, for Hunter, it's too damn late!
Thanks for letting me vent!
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Charlotte on
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I am so sorry that you have to go through this horrible time too. First, I want to say that we have no control over our sons deciding to use; in fact, I know that you did everything you could just as I have. Sounds like you have had many years of worrying and stressing over your Hunter just as I have my Jeremy. Once they make the decision to use the drug it is the master. My son, Jeremy (almost 36) died on Thanksgiving Day of this year and we are still waiting for the autopsy too. He was in drug court and only had two months before graduation plus he was meeting us for the Holiday. His little girl was coming and lots of relatives. I had spoken to him the afternoon before Thanksgiving and he sounded so good...I keep thinking maybe I missed something but it all comes down to: He made the decision to use and this time he did not wake up from the heroin. I have had this worry since he was 16 or 17 because of his progression from marijuana to Heroin which ultimately took his life.
This is a great site to tap into during this time of grieving and has brought me so much comfort because I can talk to people who understand.
I will keep you in my prayers,
Charlotte
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Permalink Reply by Lorie Dunn on
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Thank you Charlotte. I'm sorry for your loss too. I believe that (from the rumors I've heard) herion may be the drug that Hunter used. I believe it started with marijuana and pain pills. Some days I think this has got to be a dream, a nightmare. Other days, it seems like the day after Christmas all over again. I'm so angry and hurt. I'm attending therapy (which I have been doing since Hunter got in trouble with the courts). I know that it was Hunter's decision (just as you spoke of...and that was the same thing my therapist told me today). I know that he wasnt in his right mind due to the drugs (no matter what kind of drug it was), for me I can't get past the fact of "did I let my guard down?" "What could I have done different?"
I understand that all of this is a part of the grieve process, but sometimes the questions that run through my mind feels like they could consume me. I miss him and love him so much. Hunter had a heart of gold and was a funny character. Of course, we fought a lot and did'nt agree on his lifestyle he was trying to lead. But I would give anything to have one more fight with him!
As with your son, Hunter came over to my dad's with me for Christmas and opened his gifts. He seemed fine. I took him home (he lived with his dad after we seperated. We were married 17 years). Dad became "the buddy" and Mom became the "bitch". As you can tell, I have some bitter feelings there.
I know Hunter is with the Angels and he is not hurting any more. I will see him again one day. Thanks for lettin me vent. It really does help. :-)
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Permalink Reply by Pastor Jenine Marie Mason on
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My son just went to jail last night on his third offense. He is using drugs and drinking. Its like a train wreck. We all hurt from our loss and so this is the result. Its a horrible feeling.
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I will keep you and your son in my prayers. It is a very hard road to go down, for both the parents and the child. As I have said numerous times over the last 5 months, I would rather go visit Hunter at that juvenile detention center than to go visit his grave everyday. Hunter was in detention for 30 days and gained 26 pounds! I miss him so much.
How old is your son? Do you feel as if the law is helping him to recover from his addiciton? I know with Hunter it seemed like they didn't do enough... and now that he has died, I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that no one would listen to me when I tryed to get him help.
Your in my prayers
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Thank you for your prayers Lorie,
I really dont feel like the justice system is helping my son. He has been bailed out twice and if they had not allowed it, he might have been clean by now. But I guess they have to allow bail even if the person is a harm to themselves. My daughter is going to visit him but right now he is still talking through the addiction and so he wont listen to me about his health or getting help. It is frustrating to say the least. I wish they would order rehab but they dont. Its not over yet, so we shall see.
Thanks again for the prayers.
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I believe the same as you about the ordering rehab. I felt the same way with Hunter. His father and I had a terrible divorce and when Hunter first got into trouble, I asked his lawyer to recommend counseling because I knew the divorce had been rough on him, and although I sought counseling, Hunter's dad didnt believe in it and I think that is one reason Hunter would not go, but I thought if the court MADE him go it would help..their reply was, he's not the only kid whose parents are going through a divorce.
Hunters first appt with his probation officer, the officer said, "now just because you fail one drug test doesnt mean that you will go straight to a detention center", I called him after that meeting and asked him why he didnt just light Hunter a joint! Call me crazy, but the least they could do was scare the crap out of him! Hunter and his dad used to laugh (of course behind the officers back) everytime he let Hunter by with something. Of course, I would tell but no one would listen.
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Lorie, I am sorry you went through all of that. I know how frustrating it truly is. We have had my son in court ordered counseling, outpatient counseling, drug court, you name it. I was there for it all. They "suggested" he go into rehab but no court order! I think it should be manditory! The alternative is that they go to jail and detox on their own. My son is very physically ill. He wont go see a dr. He is an adult so I really have less leverage then I did before. This is a hard one. I become in fear because I lost a child and I dont want to feel that pain again so the tendency is to enable him. When I give him tough love and refuse to bow down to the addiction, my other kids get upset and take over the enabling! We thought of an intervention but he is not at a place where he wants to talk about any of it.
I think that is horrible that the officer told your son that it is ok if he messes up once. ONE time can cause a whole new binge! Dont they teach officers that? They told my son that too, so he never took it seriously. If they would have said he would have to go to jail even with one dirty test it would have made more sense. It seemed so counter productive. Then the drug court thing was stupid because once he turned 18, they had to close the case and file it away. He never completed it, and they did not continue it as an adult.
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The "system" is so screwed up! I'm still dealing with trying to get to the truth of Hunter's death. But sometimes I think I never will. I was the parent that gave "tough love", I refused to pay for lawyers, I refused to condone his realationship with a 23 yr old woman (when he was 15), I called the law when his father took him to a bar and grill to celebrate when Hunter got out of the detention center..(I had received a call that Hunter was drinking and his father was drunk....guess what???? they charged Hunter with consumption of alcohol by a minor and done nothing to his father!
In October, I started taking classes online..Hunter come to visit me and I told him about what I was doing..He asked me, what was I going to be when I grew up...I told him "a juvenile probabtion officer, do you think the kids will like me? LOL Hunter replied. NO WAY...I take that as a compliment because I don't want anyone else to go through this pain.
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Im doing the tough love thing too. My sons father has given him drugs and even done it with him! Then he bails him out when he goes to jail. I asked everyone today if they want to pay for his grave too! I guess that sounds horrible but enabling him does him no good.
When my oldest son was murdered, the government covered it all up. I did not even get an autopsy report for a year and I had to request it! The criminal investigation was closed after a year and they just left it at that. I shake my head. I cant believe they care so little about our loved ones.
Sounds like you did the right thing hon. I know you have been a good Mom. I once wanted to be a probation officer but decided against it. I passed the test. I think you would be great at it because of what has happened to your son. Your testimony alone will make many think a bit different about the laws, the kids, and the system.
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My son's father (notice I never call him dad), did drugs with Hunter too. Of course, I cannot prove it legally. I had been saying since the divorce that he would give me Hunter back when he was dead, and that's exactly what he did. He had convinced Hunter that I was the "bad guy" and Hunter and I had just started getting our realationship back to normal (if you can call it that). But I couldnt compete (and wouldnt compete) by allowing Hunter to do anything that would hurt him. Im bitter that I lost the last few years of Hunter's life because of his fathers ignorance. Hunter wasnt a piece of property that needed to be fought over.
As far as being a probation officer, Im beginning to think that it may not be for me..Im still going to school, but I get so frustrated when talking to some of the kids because their attitude is "Im not going to do as much as Hunter, or I know what Im doing"--of course this is the same thing that Hunter said....its just hard to deal with.
Im so sorry to hear about your oldest son. This country is in a downward spiral of corruption at every level. It's scary and sad.
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I hear those same things from my son Lorie. He always says, "I am not going to go that far". Thing is, we never know when a body will give out from the strain of it all or break down due to the chemicals. My daughters have taken upon themselves to baby him back to "health" not understanding that they are making it easier for his addiction to get attention. I just wish the justice system would remand him to rehab and make him stay in a hospital where he will really get help intead of a jail cell where he will be ignored and then released. Truly is sad.
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If I had to say one of the biggest reasons my son didn't make the drug war, it would be a mushy parole officer. After Matthew was gone I went to them for future kids, they said they were not accustomed to gentle well mannered kids, so they thought he would wait with his suitcase for them to take him to long term jail. Repeated rehabs had failed. Tough love deep down they appreciate,
and with God they can make it. Good wishes.
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