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Permalink Reply by Courtney Rice on December 31, 2009 at 5:54am

I'm Courtney...I'm screaming inside too. When I cry, the only one's affected are my cats...of course, they feel the loss of their "papa" too, and they try to comfort me. But you do have the one problem I don't have. People around that you are afraid to upset. You must grieve! You must have an outlet! I have made the mistake over the years of not getting help, or when I had a back to back loss, I never felt I had the time to grieve the 1st. I tried to just "go on" after most of my losses, and barely got help otherwise. And now my life is so messed up I'm just not living anymore. Don't let this happen to you! If nothing else, get in your car, go to a park or a backroad, or even the grocery store parking lot and scream as loud and as long as you can. Bang on the steering wheel. That does help a bit. Do it as often as you need to. Then, do what you're doing here. I never had a computer as an outlet for all my other times of loss. This is helping me some, even though I seem to be the only one on late at night. And lastly, make sure you do have someone as a shoulder. A friend, counselor, church...whatever you can, away from those you are worried about hurting. They should understand you need the outlet. But I also think you do need to let them in a little too. Don't isolate your grief completely from them. Try to let them know you're in pain. They are probably also hurting. Maybe they need to release too. Especially your mom. She sounds like she's in the denial part of it, and right now that's ok. It's less painful for her that way. But, eventually, even she is going to need to let it out. Your people are grieving in their own ways in their own time. But your way right now is to get it out! So scream, yell, cry alone in your car. Write in here. Give yourself permission to grieve. Don't hold it in. That can only lead to where I'm at, and believe me, you don't want to be here. My Michael is the one who got me to let computers into my life-I fought them. Now, I thank him again...because it's another way to grieve my loss of him. Thank your sister for everything she has given you over the years. That helps most of all.
Courtney Rice

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Permalink Reply by Angela S. on December 31, 2009 at 1:53pm

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my boyfriend to a serious car accident that took his life from me after he drop me off from a party. Everyone keep telling me to be tough around his parents who are really grieving and I try. What I find works is telling people I will pick something up, drive to a place where I can be alone and start to scream and yell and just cry and don't have someone telling me to be strong. It's a good way to let go of everything that you feel bottle up in you that you can't do other wise. Just make sure you turn the car off and let it all go. Other thing is I call a hotline at the middle of the night to talk and cry and I go into a different room that no one can hear me. It helps a lot. Through I'm still in serious grieving right now and I cry all the time it helps me a bit. It helps me be strong a bit more in my life and give a sight bit more control of myself. Try it. you might fine it helps.

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Permalink Reply by Ruby Smith on January 5, 2010 at 1:54pm

I'm in a smiliar situation only in a different way. I can't share how I feel about my grief of losing my dad because I fear that I would be rubbing my relationship with my father in my sisters faces as they did not have the relationship that I did with him. I find that I feel very alone but journal writing and bloggin on here seem to be helping a bit. I am thinking of seeing a grief counselor as well. I know that it is important to grieve for your own self but like yourself, I'm at a loss to do so without hurting others.

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Permalink Reply by Desiree on January 5, 2010 at 4:49pm

Im just glad you came to this board. It looks as though you have carried a lot of emotional stress for too long, keeping it mostly to yourself. There is no right or wrong answer, Christy, just life. And I think that you're not giving your husband and family enough credit right now. They love you and want to be there for you, so you should try letting them. Im sure your husband and family feel pain in the same situations, and having them there to support you will certainly help. But I understand wanting to be strong for everyone.

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Permalink Reply by Kirstine Rushing on February 1, 2010 at 8:53pm

I have a 5 year old and an almost 2 year old and just lost my mom to cancer on Jan 22. Unlike you, I haven't been strong enough to keep my tears in. I've cried in front of my kids a lot! I just explained to my daughter (who is 5) that her nanny was very sick (this has been going on for 2 years, my mom's battle with cancer, so there were many tears before she passed...the day I found out she had stage 4 cancer was really bad for tears). I just explained my feelings to my daughter and why I was crying and so sad. I explained to her that I love my mom just like she loves me and that is why I was so sad when I found out she was sick and then explained that is why I was sad she had to go to heaven because I would miss her. I couldn't hold it in. I think its good that you have been so tough, but I think she should give yourself a break and just cry and get some of those emotions out. I am sure your mom would understand that you are grieving too and so would your husband. I think its good you came to this board too, this is a great way to get some off your emotions off your chest! I will be praying for you. You shouldn't have to keep everything bottled up inside, just tell them how you are feeling. Hugs (())) K

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Permalink Reply by Christy Turbett on February 1, 2010 at 9:34pm

Sorry it's been a month since I've been on to reply to all the great support given and advice.

It's still no easier of course and so many more things are going on that it just is a vicious cycle for me. My mom is still living with us and trying to run my family right now. Anytime I try and bring up how I feel it just gets turned around on her feelings. I feel like she is the reason behind me not being able to open up and release any grief I have inside. Seriously, I understand that she is grieving too but it's not only that, if my throat hurts hers hurts too, if I have a runny nose she does too, if I stub my toe so did she. She has always been like this so it's nothing new but yet she doesn't allow me to express my feelings. At my sisters wake I was torn apart and my mom came up to me and said "You know Cathy wouldn't want you crying like this, she wants you to be able to move beyond this". That was at her funeral!!! My gosh if I can't cry at her funeral when else would've been a better time??

Needless to say my life is just getting worse. I really really don't want to sound like such a downer but my husband and mom are just not getting along. Mom complains about my husband, my husband complains about my mom. I need to get away!! I had a part time job that allowed me to get out of the house and then I had to quit it because my husband couldn't handle watching our daughter because my mom would try to tell him what he was doing wrong when caring for our daughter. He is getting to the point of really hating her and he's not like that. My mom does over step her boundaries but how do I tell her when she believes that she is too old to live by rules or listen to them? But, yet this is my house and she acts like we should be the ones to respect her in our own home.

I am sorry I know that I'm ranting and raving over here and it's over the dumbest thing but it's driving me insane to hear my husband and mom complain. Again, how does one grieve when they have so much more going on? And having a 4 year old again, I'm just holding it all in putting on a fake smile day in and day out because I don't want her affected by all of this. Like right now we are all sitting in the living room watching a movie with her just so that she won't feel any animosity amongst one another.

I do again really appreciate giving me a place to allow myself to release what it is bothering me. I really think I've finally worked myself up and got a ulcer. The one poster who suggested I get in my car and scream at the top of my lungs, thank you I would seriously love to do that but I have another 2 years before that is possible as my daughter is with me 24/7. But I will keep that in mind when I am alone.

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Permalink Reply by Shannon on February 1, 2010 at 9:48pm

I too find myself not being able to cry in front of anyone, yet at night, while the kids are asleep, I cry and cry and cry. It is extremely hard when you can't even talk to anyone about your emotions, because nobody cares.

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Permalink Reply by Kirstine Rushing on February 2, 2010 at 6:34pm

I am glad you are ranting and raving on here b/c if you feel like you can't get it out anywhere else, at least you can do it on here. Its not as invigorating or stress releasing as screaming at the top of your lungs b/c of your frustration, but at least it is a way of getting your feelings out. You do have a lot going on and I think anytime you have a parent living with you, it does cause issues. I know if my mother in law moved in, I would probably stay locked up in my bedroom for most of the time b/c she oversteps her boundaries as well and annoys me. I love her, but she annoys me. She yelled at me (this is before my mom passed away) a few months ago b/c my kids have bedtimes and she doesn't agree with that and said she refused to listen to them cry when it was bedtime. I have a 5 year old that has to get up at 5:30am and she thinks she doesn't need a bedtime. She really did get angry with me and when I just left the room she said I was a coward for walking away when really I was just trying to keep the peace and not get in an argument with my husband's mom....so I can see where your husband is coming from. Have you had an open discussion with him about how you are feeling? I think the best way to resolve this is to talk to him and listen to him and figure out a way you can nicely tell your mom that some things have to change so that everyone is happy. Even suggest ways you can change to make it look like you are not singling her out or attacking her, whatever it takes to get your point across on getting to the place of a happy household. As for your sister's funeral, I had people tell me the same at my mom's. I was sitting at the cemetary and when they concluded the ceremony there, I didn't want to let go of my mom's coffin and I had people coming up to me telling me that my mom wouldn't want to see me reacting like this. People just don't think. My mom knew I would be heartbroken if she died, we talked about it, its not like I was going to sit there tear free.... I think people are taught to say stupid things to people at funerals and it bugs me... I hate the lines...time will heal and soon you won't miss her or just remember all the memories and focus on those. All nice sounding, but until you've lost the key person in your life, they don't realize those are just irritating to hear. The best advice is....I have no words to make you feel better, but know that I am praying for you and if you need a hug or anything, I am here. This is my advice to you. I am praying for you and vent away! :) Hugs and good luck with everything. (((())) K

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Permalink Reply by Christy Turbett on June 28, 2010 at 10:29pm

Sorry it's been so longer since I've been on here, things have been crazy busy in my life and time has just slipped away from me.

I am doing better than the last time I've posted not sure if it's because of the sun and being outdoors with my daughter and just being all around busy but I've been more positive lately.

I am still missing my sister tremendously & yearn to here her voice. So many times my daughter will do something funny and I always think to myself "If Cathy could only hear what Clarissa just said she would roll over laughing." But, I just have to believe that she does see & hear everything.

I still find myself not being able to cry in front of anyone and when I'm talking about Cathy I do tear up but I find enough strength to hold back my tears. It's just me and I have to deal with it in my way I guess.

I want to thank each and everyone of you for your support and kind words. Cathy like I said was my best friend & I miss telling her somethings that I need to tell her but one day when I see her next I will share everything with her. But again thank you all so so much for the support that you have given to me, I appreciate it very much.

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