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Friends or coworkers ignoring your loss and grief?
How do you deal with people seemingly ignoring your loss? I recently lost my mom to cancer. When I went back to work after my bereavement time, I was shocked to see how many people just ignored me. Only one or two people offered me condolences or asked me how I was doing. Some coworkers that I considered friends actually went out of their way to avoid talking to me or walking by me and my desk. Yesterday I got together with my in-laws. The last time I saw them was at my mother's memorial service. No one asked me how I was doing. They only talked about my mom after I had brought her up in conversation. These experiences have made me feel quite isolated, as though I should already be over my grief. Has anyone else experienced this?
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Ashley on
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I have definitely experienced this, even from my husband. I also lost my mother recently. I think people just feel uncomfortable and are not sure what to say. I would actually love it if people would talk more about my mom. I just try not to take it personally. It does make me feel lonely, like you mentioned. Don't let them make you feel like you should be over your grief. The truth of the matter is people cannot relate to your pain unless they have been there. They may think you should be over it but that just means they have never experienced such pain.
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Permalink Reply by Eliza on
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Thank you, Ashley. And I totally get that you've experienced this from your husband. I get that, too....like he's really not sure what to say. The other day I brought up my mom in conversation with coworkers--I shared a fond memory--and they looked stricken at first, but then relaxed and laughed with me. But it is so hard.
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People aren't deliberately ignoring your loss, rather they are uncomfortable discussing the deceased, or fail to ask how you are fearing that it would be upsetting for you. K, I am so sorry for your loss. Ashley is right when she says that people cannot relate to your pain unless they have been there. Ashley, I am so sorry for your loss. Regrettably, we have to learn to become our own 'grief companion', become self-nurturing and adopt a compassionate way of life...compassionate toward yourself and then to others. I don't have any answers, but can relate to what you and Ashley are experiencing. It can be a rocky road at times!!
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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on
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sory for yore k loss iv had it dun to me frineds crosing the st wen thy saw me u wud of thort i had som kind of horbel deses the way people r treating me even some of the family 1 of thm told i shud of foget my dad ever exsiested gey over it its easy ??? how its easy i got told i shud of got over it the day he died if she had not of bean my nease i thnk i wud of hit her but i dont condon vilinse its just a person who has loose lips any thng coms out
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My Mom died on December 18th. Earlier this week I had lunch with a "friend" (who happens to be an Episcopal priest). He knows of my mom's illness and death. This was the first time I have seen him since she died and in the 90 minutes we were together he totally ignored my Mother's death. Not even a simple "I'm sorry for your loss". He did, however, spend a long time telling me about the funeral he conducted earlier in the week and all about the parishioner that had passed away--what a wonderful man; how much he will be missed, etc..
I wanted to scream "WHAT ABOUT ME?", but instead I sat through lunch feeling like I was totally discounted. It was very weird.
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Greg--
I'm so sorry for your loss. Having lost my mom in early December, I can imagine how hard the holidays must have been for you. And you nailed it--you feel like you want to stand up and scream "my mom died!" It is really weird and isolating. :(
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Thank you everyone. Your comments help and they make a lot of sense. Having been back at work a few weeks now, things have seemingly returned to "normal," although it is a new normal and things will never be the same again. You learn to turn your grief on and off--put on a "work face" at work and then shed it the minute you're out the door, in the car, on the way home. That said, I think of my mom every minute of every day.
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