lost my 26 year old boyfriend

I lost my boyfriend who was only 26 years old.  I came home from work one night three weeks ago and found him on the floor not breathing.  He was cleaning a gun and it accidently went off.  I tried to sake him and yell his name but he didnt get up.  I yelled for our roommate who called 911 but i knew he was gone. I completely fell apart that night and i havent been able to pick myself back up.  I feel like i am just floating along with no point.  Everyone else is moving on but i feel like i cant. Every time i close my eyes i see his smiling face.  He was the perfect man and we had talked about marriage.  I feel bad if i even smile because it is not fair that he cant smile anymore. He was a wonderful person who always helped people and expected nothing in return.  He was a paremedic and a firefighter and way to young to be taken away from me.  I see him everywhere i look and everything reminds me of him.  I dont know how to make it through this.  I am only 24 years old and have never had to deal with close lose before.  I often wish it would of been me instead of him because he had so much more to offer the world than i do.  He was just better all the way around.  We lived together and he was always there for me. He was my rock, and i dont know how to keep living without him.  He was my whole world. Does it ever get easier?? will i ever be able to smile again??

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Permalink Reply by Sue Waxman on July 27, 2012 at 3:39pm

Hi,

I understand how you feel. Sometimes I ask myself why am I still here when children loose their mothers and fathers to death and if I died no one would suffer because now it is just me. I lost my only parent Jun 2011. You boyfriend was way to young to die BUT it was his time. So hard to understand isn't it. It doesn't get easier it just gets different as time marches on you learn to live without them in the physical sense. When I am about to loose it I pretend my mother is visiting someone. Denial works when you need it. How wonderful it was that you crossed paths in your life with someone you loved and he loved you. Everything is temporary. If we are lucky we get to meet many special people along the way. Find something to fill the emptiness in your heart. I work in animal rescue. Remember that your life is not about you specifically. It is about how you handle the MOST difficult things that come into your life. One day you will pass to the next place to. Until then live your life being an example of the girl he loved. He is still your boyfriend and that does not end when we move to the next place. Read about life after death it will bring you much comfort knowing you will be reunited. No one religion is right. I study Buddhism.

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