As I write this, I am crying again. I will go all day, constantly thinking about my Terry, my "Hawk", trying to carry on at work, with life in general while thinking about him, feeling numb, just going through motions. Then something will start me crying again... maybe a kind word from a friend, maybe a photo or one of his pieces of art... as I write this I am crying again. Maybe it is good I cry, to let out some pressure. Terrence Glas, was my best friend, my "knight in shining armour", my Muse, and I hope to some extent, I was his Muse. 

We met on the internet quite accidentally, while chatting about Native American affairs. He grew up with the Lakota on Standing Rock Reservation. He was of Germans from Russia bloodline, but his family had a huge ranch, partially on the Res, so many of his friends were over there. He always felt closer to Lakota, as I feel closer to my Cherokee blood. He was going by Silientwalker... a mispelling of Silent Walker, but it intrigued me, and when he asked to add me as a friend, i said yes... curious about this Silent Walker person.

Later, I found he also went by Hawkbekoning... because of a lady hawk he had mended the wing of, rescuing her as he did so many others.... human and animal alike. He will always be my Cetan, my Hawk. 

One thing led to another, with us chatting first, speaking of many things, both personal and spiritual. He told me he stole a horse when he was 8 years old (which was true... he hated school and took a horse and rode home.) He had been a trucker, a cop (undercover and deputy sheriff), a landscaper, had been in jail a couple times (later i found out it was miner things due to trucking for the government, not having proof of weight etc.) He was an author, and hopefully, we will soon be able to publish Zara, as well as his books of trucking and cop stories, and poems. He was a Vietnam vet, and as with many vets, had post traumatic stress disorder. It never goes away, and often, in his sleep, it would haunt him... though in the last couple years since I lived with him, it seemed to ease. I hope I had a little to do with that.

Terry was larger than life! He had rode the range with a 6 shooter, while mending fences in his younger years on the ranch; he knew Louis Lamour (from Jamestown ND) personally, having coffee with him often. His family knew Lawrence Welk, who was from this area. Terry knew nature like the back of his hand, and could spot a pheasant or a deer instantly. He knew the sky, and Mother Earth. He had studied with a Shaman, and Sitting Bull was a hero to him, as to many of us. 

Terry had studied the Koran, the Bible, Buddhism, Native American spirituality, Pagan ways, and many other things. He was always reading and always learning, even up to his last day, having left a book only partially read. 

Eventually, after talking on the phone for hours almost every day, he hesitantly asked me if I would like to come up to ND from Southeast Iowa to help out in the old newspaper office at the Old Threshing Bee in this area, helping with old printing presses. I am a graphic designer on the side, so he thought I might like that. I loved it! For me to come over 800 miles each way to see him was a feat in itself, as I had never driven that far by myself! But I made it... several times the first year I met him. 

One day while visiting, he held me and kissed me 3 times on top of my head, saying if he kissed me 3 times, he was keeping me. I moved up here not too long after that, to be with him after a small stroke in July of 2009.

He made a trip to Iowa with me to get my cats, and some belongings, and my oldest son took over my apartment, after a parting with his girlfriend of several years. He met my sons, my parents and I could tell they loved him.

The last 2 1/2 years of being with him have been so amazing! Oh, we had our differences... we were both stubborn, we both had differences, but we learned from each other. It is too quiet as I write this, he isn't here to be my sounding board, to be my Muse for my poetry, to show me his new art, or to list our dvds on Ebay  or Blujay (he had a store on each of those sites, selling dvds and art). I dont' know if I can keep up the sales without him... right now i have shut down Ebay except for one movie. He would work all day at listings. I can't do that with a full time job. But, I think he would at least want me to keep some going.

Eventually, Terry had 8 cats... it wasn't planned that way. And they are all black except 2. I brought 2 up from Iowa.. my original spayed/de-clawed one, and one  I had saved right before moving. He didn't want me to spay Midnight, the one I saved, because he believed in the "natural way of things." Need I say more? Midnight proceeded to have 5 kittens. When she first started showing, he said "maybe you should take her to the vet.. it might be tumors." The "tumors" are over a year old now... having been born on the same day as my little granddaughter Ava.  We had 4 of them given away when old enough, but one person ended up in jail and the other person moved into an apartment in town so couldn't have them. SO we kept them.. as we had grown attached.. especially Terry. He was there when they were all born. All 5 of the kittens except one were Male, and all black except for ONE female, who was also a tiger. Terry would spend hours taking photos, training them. When one of our cats went blind, we would take him to the park, and Terry would teach him to climb trees and come back down. Terry was amazing with animals of any kind.

Well, I better sign off for now. But this blog may help me remember, and work through my feelings. More later.