Death is a monster,

Death is pain,

Death is frustration,

Death is horror. 

I believe that the main reason why I cannot move on from my grandmothers death is because I do not understand what is death. To me, this event is so complex and surreal that I cannot cognitively understand it...

To me, things must have a logic in order to believe in it, and death is one of those ideas that I cannot find the logic on, neither the explanation- of why it occurs.

I guess that for those who believe in a heaven, is easier to bare the fact that somebody that you love have died. Is actually a great life event because you "go to be with God", and enjoy of eternal life. Also, for those who believe in another life, they see death as an opportunity to grow to a better being; to become a more evolved being that will be more spiritually wise. Finally, for those who believe in reincarnation, they have the hope that they will encounter once again the person that they lost.

But me.. and people like me... are lost. Lost because of the doubt; lost because of the lack of faith; lost because of the irony of death...

I am not sure why I am the way I am. Sometimes I think that I am so lucky of not being like those who eat whole, however, sometimes I wish I could be like that and don't have to struggle so much with my thoughts.

Is there such a thing as fear to the death of those who you love? Is there a treatment to accept death? I am not sure if this is crazy or not, but I surely know that part of the reason why I am not fully happy in my life is because that ongoing feeling of fear to lose the ones that I love.

I used to tell me grandmother before she died that I was going to build a box where I could put her inside and carry her around with me for the rest of my existence ,and make sure that she was safe, and available- at anytime, and at any place... However, there is no such a thing, and I lost her, and  now she is not safe neither available....

Death is hopelessness,

Death is a ghost,

Death is unbearable,

Death is madness.

How insane is to live everyday thinking of death? How insane is to look at the eyes of your dogs and think that they will be gone soon? How insane is to cry at night thinking that your husband and rest of your family will die? How insane.... This is a great weight that I carry all around; this is the weight of death.

And I guess this fear was the guilty one that made me be like this. I remember crying alone so young, and just crying thinking- thinking of death. Thinking that my family was going to died, especially my grandmother. I used to cried secretly, just thinking, and killing me inside- torturing me- imagining that she was going to leave me- like she did.

And even more terrifying is the fact that my imaginations happened. They occurred and I couldn't stop it. And death will come again, and again, and again. And she/he will take someone else. And it will hurt, like it hurt before. 

I don't want to live death once again. I am not strong enough to stand it. So I have decided that I want to die first. If I could make a plan and control everything around and outside me, I will make sure that I would not have to live one more death in my life. I will make sure I died before my husband, my dogs, and rest of my family. I wish I could make a pact and be sure that I will not cry for the absence of another love one.  

Death is unfair,

Death is craziness,

Death so close,

Death is malicious.

Even now, that I defined what death is, I still can't understand it; I can only feel it; I can only see it. Death is coming for all of us; death is just waiting for the right moment to come get us.

But now, I ask myself, how does she/he knows is the right time to get us?

Who decides who will die next? And why would do it?

Who controls death and its devastating effects?

What is the explanation of death?

Thank you.