I think it´s safe to assume the mind holds the best refugee camp in the world, like an oasis to the desert. SOmetimes we forget time and space in this inside trip. And brings the same outwards. When we feel opressed or pushed or in any stress event, that hidden place seems like the only heaven we can have on earth. And times like this we connect to the people and events searching for some deeper meaning to make sense of it all. In my case it´s being nothing easy to sort out what is meaningful to what´s not. Sometimes I keep my head in the clouds and I break away from the closest ones to just spend sometime entertaining my mind in some what ifs that really don´t have much of a future, but it´s good enough for the time being. It´s so easy to bend beyond and break off because I´m trying to find my way, And the more some try to HELP, it´s by imposing their speed of life and their must do list for me is not something I remotelly opted to be in. And I quietly remove my ind and full presence from their image or illusions which add pressure that I don´t need. Sometimes it´s hard to express to people where I a at, since seems as if this grounds haven´t been known to most. And I take REFUGEE into what´s TANGIBLE and PRESENT. It´s like a relationship with this wonderful view to paradise where i am second best and that´s not like me at all, versus this short term relationship that just has absolutely no future with this great lover that has a family and children on the side and wants a great adventure. And I am right there in BETWEEN, as if I wasn´t responsible for doing both and having to face the KERK attributes to my ignorant choice. And in trying to correct where I derrailed from this first long term plan to short time pleasure, I ake demands that no one can understando or deal with from where I stand. Becuse yeah, I can hardly stand but life is not so easy, is it? Confessing to betrayal hoping to be heard then would be a sure way to hell short cut. Because now if I want back to plan A, long term, it´s like I am 1000 steps behind, and if I cloose plan B (immediate reward) I will ignore the very obvious. Then I look at all the craps and I think why am I in between the 2 choices when what´s good should not even put my guard up to consider plan B great and confessing just makes a soaopera. Thus I think my road is somehow still a dirt road, and if I want someone to pave it, I must follow and live in their shadow, But I´m not the shadow of any uman being but plan B would live in the shadows for god knows how long and that´s not too great either. Being thorn betewwn those is just a way to break away from everything and anything that falls behind expectations, Then what´s to expect? I think I will go back to the future here a day at a time, just hoping another sunny day kicks inside my window and the sorrow is gone, the pains gone too. And life is more back to normal and doing it myself. Sometimes I really wonder if after so much grief and illness there is such thing as a hand to hold that wont eventually backstab. And just to make sure tat won´t happen, I do it first, I guess we go through so much that believing in another human being is a very slow process and can be at days crel or unkind. An till I get a thier skin to the craps of people, I can´t seem to APPRECIATE their shadows as a calm place to be. Just because I am digging in myself who I am and people around guessing what shoul would or what else they planne for me seems not to reprsent where I am going and where I am at. You know when all we see is what we would like to be or have and we think it´s ok to supress self in the process, but the bending breaks way before than the previous place of breaking point. Sometimes I wonder if any free soul can ever match relationship interests. Seems like any relationship on the personal level is just another way to put boundaries and values of another being to us. Flattening the exisence to be consistent to what´s expected, making more of a resistance to grow than there is space left to just come out in my own hands and own way out. Confusing times when people that like us come with their attached CRAPS and we don´t when tey end and their crap start to help seeing their naked soul. We try to take the crap out, but they go down with it. We try to find ways to talk, but they hear only the sounds of their own voices. And all in all, most of what´s to be expressed is not in WORDS, is it? The way I see any relationship in this place and time of my life has to be GOOD to me, in whatever shape and form it comes, and pehaps one day one will mold to meet me half way, I am tired and seek to be the one to give it all and just get whatever people feel like giving. On the other side of the same frame of mind, what can anyone give better than I can give myself? And what if their road is not accepting or receptive to where I am at NOW? Just not making me crawl orfeel underneath their shadows, I think I LEARNED TODAY theat GRIEFING has a strong component, THE NEED TO BREAK FREE and be respected as a full human being no matter in how many pieces and how they are spread. It´s not for anyone else to mend, just be kind and supportive to help me do the mending and having more to offer....and meanwhile I´d like to be held and told EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK, just because that much I can tell myself. And what more? Seems sometimes all so hopeless that there must be another way where we can expose pieces and hurt and be respected in the vulnerability side of it. Perhaps most don´t know how to reach us there hiding in that mental space built for one, and accepting all for what is versus all that anyone wants it to be. SIGHT