Some people feel that I'm at an age where the absence of my mother should no longer affect me, the way it use to. Granted, the way it use to affect me has changed, but the outcome is still the same. I still miss her and I find new ways to miss her the older I get.

Some people can write a letter, a poem or even go to therapy and they are "cured" of this grieving process. But, this cycle is re-occurring. It didn't start to get worse until I realized that my "family" the one I was born into had no room for me. We have a new addition to the family. A healthy baby boy. He laughs. He smiles. He cries and he wants his mommy. So, the aunt that I use to live with and who use to be my "guide" in life now is a grandmother. She no longer has time to "help me."

I would have to say that, not very many people know what it feels like to be in this transition. To need help, but to never want to ask for it because you know that deep down eventually they will look at you as "a burden" "another mouth to feed." It does not matter what people say, initially. What matters is how they feel after a week, two weeks have passed and they don't see that God has immediately changed my situation. Then they start to doubt that I'm "trying." Yet, I can only do and go as far as God will allow me to. So some things, take more time than others.

So, it has been said: "you are beautiful, why can't you find a job?" Yet, beauty without being rich, does not equal for a combination that works in my favor for the most part. If I were rich then this situation that I'm in would not even be an issue or if I had the right connections and I had people in my life who swooned over my beauty then I would be on top of the world. Yet, that is the other side to beauty that people never see. Most of the times, I feel like a rose trapped in the glass case. The best visual is the one from beauty in the beast.

There were cases when I did not get hired because I was "too pretty" and the person did not think that they employees would pay attention or that there would be tense environment because women would be jealous of me. Yet, what does me being beautiful with how well I perform on my job?

The upside to this transition is that God has placed more loving people in my life. I now, have a boyfriend who is the wisest and more patient man of God I have ever met. He is firm but gentle. And most of all he appreciates the love of God in me. He knows who he is through Christ. Strong leader. At first, I was taken aback because I'm not use to any man wanting my attention in the hopes of "just want to get to know you." Most of the men who seek me want to take from me. Step all over the love of God in me and spit on my efforts to do good.

Protecting my heart became my first priority, when I asked God to please remove my heart "from my sleeve." And he did. And when he did I replaced it with a bold, aggressive intelligence. That could bring the strongest of men to their knees.

But, now God wants me to put my heart back on my sleeve and I'm scared, because that means I will be trusting my boyfriend with my heart. Something I haven't done in such a long time. I'm still afraid to get my heart broken, because the last time it was I almost "died." In the spiritual and in the physical sense. I could feel the blackness seep through my veins, feverishly itching to rip me apart. Slowly. I was losing hope. That is when God sent me on my first spiritual journey.

The truth is that I love people, sometimes more than myself. When I have to give, I always give more than what is expected because I know that some time soon people will be in need again. I don't like to ask others for help, because I feel like it is my duty, responsibility to be a leader. To be the strongest of the strong at heart.

I believe that God sent my boyfriend into my life not only to show me what a man of God looks and acts like. But to also help me to be a more virtuous woman. To be more gentle. More loving and to be reminded to speak words of kindness.

In other words, he sent him to help me find my "child like" heart again. The child like heart that loved and gave without expectations. That was always read to serve and be a blessing to another persons' life.

I don't know how to receive love. I can give it all day. But receiving it is a different story. But, I'm asking God every single day to clean up my heart. So I don't lose any love that God has blessed my life with.