Being the caregiver changed where I was going in more ways I could sense at the time. I was to remain single to take care of my ill mother. I was to have no life other than from emergency to emergency. I was to work and take care of myself AFTER the needs of my mother were taken care. I was not to go anywhere outside the city boundaries, and always near home and with the cel phone charged. I was not to drink one drop of alcohol just in case any emergency came up and I needed to drive. I was not to seek others help as they all had more important things to do. GRADUALLY, the background of my life could be best described as a SHADOW of my mother´s. There was her caotic life taking a lot more of mine than I realized. All of a sudden, the mess in her life became very obvious to me, although convincely near great to the rest of the family. Because I was doing what no one wanted to do. Even minor roles they had lined up so many excuses that I could number easily 100 sumed up. Came to the point that reaching out was worse than just doing, she was NOT popular. And by supporting her, I was missing a lot on the support to myself. Everybody got to mix in 2 groups: One against anyone close to help, thus giving her back the lack of support she gave them all in the past; and a group of how beautiful is to see me do this, thus releasing the clear obligation they had, and making their life easier. MY LIFE became a small WINDOW of my mother´s life. I had to dig very deep to find motivation, and found that was enough to consider the simple fact she gave me birth as all else was mostly not there in quality or in a meaningful way her presence in my life. In that SMALL WINDOW my life became real SIMPLE, but not much to call that a life of my own. The BIG PICTURE was for her to paint and portray anyway she wanted and drag me along. Of course I had thus to simplify both my life and hers to keep more balance into merging those. Soon I realized it was not possible to do alone and started involving and getting the grip on the family members and in whichever ways they could, should and would HELP. The big picture however as her illness and overal health declined, was resizing constantly my window until was almost umberable to put up with any crap from those HELPING. Well, in the name of what they GAVE, they took an EVEN greater peace of my window along with the little they did to change the big picture to anything good. In part because they rejected the role for so long, they didn´t have a clue of who she was anymore. And their solutions were good to them but in disregard of what worked best between myself and her. After switching care, I quickly grabbed on to my little WINDOW and worked to expand to have MY LIFE BACK. But there was no path to it or programed way to go back. In fact, most of the background larger picture was just EMPTY. And bcause the new caregiver fought their way, the whole picture was just no longer invited to what it was or simply because I did not want any part of it. I found myself in the painful part of all this, looking into the big picture and start filling with more and more with the colors of HURT. But it was not the background I´d ever choose, quite the opposite. The lens I saw life with had changed to come to believe all I could have was a small window, and the background to be a mess and chaos. Thus I filled the hurt there with much the same, things and people who didn´t mean much at all, but were bleeding something just as big to them as my hurt was for me. Not until I realized I needed to trade in SOLITUDE, in exchange for LONELINESS, I simply was unable to dig deeper for healing in more ways. Meaning, getting out and about without filling that VOID became a bigger VOID and attracted to that the much worse motivation or agenda of others trying to take advantage. By entering or permeating my life through the hurt, getting whatever they needed to alleviate their own issues and returning to me just an yet bigger hole. Yeah, more and more to the basics I understood, that painting that big picture starts with the colors and things i can find in MYSELF that make me happy. And slowly allowing what´s good to fill more, and rooting out what wasn´t. Being vulnerable is not a free door to all the sick world. Quite the opposite, it´s more like fencing good that door to just allow whatever good can remain just that. Whatever empowers my healing and getting back to SELF. And the more that little system is fixed inwards, the more joy and less crap. For the craps I learned to cut off and fence double to keep the craziness very far from my life. It has steps forward and backwards, because not all I like at first is to any actual benefit. And as strong as some come close, they must go. But eventually the craps are outside my door and peace can be kept in that special place where it deserves, deep inside my soul. It´s not easy to get to this point, but it´s worth it. After the CLEAN UP time, there is more JOY and appreciation for my life and whatever contributes to my well being...for the long run. Sight