I attend college courses. I work two jobs. I give back to my grandmother, when I have the money. I make sure to say hi to most of everyone I meet. When someone needs me I go to them, because I know what it is like to feel as no one there.

I don't have any parents.

And even though my father is not deceased, at least that I know of. He doesn't want to have anything to do with my life.

I am always tagged as "different" "weird" "odd" "strange" or "backward"

Everytime I try to date the guys just end up leaving my life.

Not too long ago I had a guy look me in the eye and tell me that he loved me. It was a very emotional charged situation. He wanted to be with me. We wanted to be with eachother, but then he walked away...

I'm getting really tried of trying. I always have to try harder than the next person just to be ok. I would end this miserable life, but I'm too much of a coward to do that. I think about it all the time. And if I were not around it would make no difference.

My heart is so broken. And it is true. It starts with the father.

If you asked me to describe a "good man" I could not tell you.

Then I realized that there is a pattern.

Whenever a man enters into my life they always take from me. Then whatever they take from me, they find another woman to give it too.

I compare it to a rest stop. When they meet me, they are tired or hurt and walking to be restored in some way. I do what I can. I love them, I comfort them, I take care of them ect then when they are fully restored they continue on their journey to their final destination, which is another womans heart.

I don't believe that I will ever have a man love me. It is the only thing that I really want to experience out of this life besides having children.

I always feel alone. I always feel empty. I thought by working so much I could make myself not care or even heal. But it doesn't get any better.

It was the strangest thing. In the recent months I decided that I would be more aggressive. I thought, that maybe if I finally put my "foot" down and told the Universe what I wanted, then I would get just that. But the one time when I did not be aggressive, is the one time that I lost the man who looked me in the eye and said that he loved me. There were tears in his eyes when he drove away. I said everything and anything that I could to make him understand that I wanted to be with him, but because I was so distant (because I thought that if I acted like i didn't want him, that would make him like me more. Thats normally how it goes in the dating world for women, it seems), because I didn't seemed that concerned if he was in my life or not. He thought I didn't love him back and he moved on.

It is so odd, because all the time other times when I have been "aggressive" I have scared the guys away.

But I was so tried of getting my feelings hurt. I was so tired of being understanding and nice. I had to do something! But it turned out that my "something" only turned out to hurt me more in the end.

I really just want a man to care about my life. To stay in my life and to love me during the my good and bad days. I want to feel a connection. I want there to be substance. So that we are functioning as bestfriends would.

But I can't get a man to stay in my life for the right reasons.

They can do everything else, except commit to me. But as soon as they break up with me, the next woman is the woman that they commit too and marry.

I want to trust men, but I don't. I want to believe that good men exist. But I don't. I may have seen a couple of good guys in my life, but I could not identify them.

It would have been nice to have my biological father there at my mothers funeral. It would have been nice to have him do more than just to send me a card with a $100 dollars after so long of being absence.

I get tired of feeling as if I have to be my own family. I don't fit in anywhere. People look at me strange. I'm always alone. And yes, I have tried my very best to include myself, but I ended up making things awkward for everyone. I don't know my purpose for life, so I don't think that I should be trying to live one.