So here is my situation. I an attractive woman well versed about many topics and a writer of excellence in the cience wich is largeli a choice of a INTROSPECTIVE PERSON. Faced with LOTS male attraction. Sometimes I find myself in struggles that aren´t my own at all, Such as dates and craps that comes with lots of MALE attention that do anything BUT HAVE my FULL ATTENTION. Mostly because its shallow. At times some expect me to be AVAILABLE all times just because I am sick. Of course there are the PLENTY out there that want a piece of this body even if I was in my last BREATH and a piece of my mind is what they really get. Brecause I am not a shallow type of person, and if people insist in jumping in and out of my life I keep them out the door for good. I find its interesting behaviour that humans are so caothic in their own pains of their sick minds to think for a second they could be invited in my pife to just piss me off. There is also the married that pose as single as if there is STUPID written in my face or something. Well, I decided this is a path I MUST WALK ALONE or at least with friends and family or whoever comes about in the FRIENDS ZONE. You would think thatt is an easy call being sick because people would have a natural understanding that they don´t want even that many friends around when they hurt and feel like hiding inside a cave to lick their wounds. But that´s easier said than done, when you are very attractive to the eyes of most, caution goes off their window all together. Even friends get jealous of one another when I am clearing not patient do date a single one of anything. Anyway, I took another step and resinforced. Told them all I aint dating no one any time soon. Wrote a few pages about woman being a sexual object rather than a full person. It´s hard to say these days I am not a feminist. Because EQUALITY is something precious I defend, much like animal rights and the environment. But I showed my teeth. Some of them still tried som bs on me but didn[t stick. People don[t realize how hard is to do everything we do in pain and facing a future that is uncertain. Some don´t realize how precious could be just the words "You will be alright", or "i will be here with you in whatever capacity". The things we were to tell a child even if just our inner child or the elders. Anyhow. I found good perspectives of my health except for a new herniation in the middle of my back that can be nothing at times and very painful other times. So, the day was warm last time I saw my dr and he forgot to prescribe exam for this so if its cirurgic may represent the end of all pains and full recoup. The prospects to family are another ORDEAL, we share some good news and people go nuts on my what to do list as if they think I should run next marathon. Sght. SO, I decided to withdraw for now. Those are not the types of attention I need, can´t help me any. I need treatments and doing whatever I can to HELP ME get out of this. And since its hard enough to organize and pull myself through it, I have decided to just be a lot more on my own and just the bare minimum interactions other than support. Since most people don´t know to support one another, they build expectations that are far too high too soon and that is damaging to my own pushing myself forward with no one to let down. Seems the world wans a piece at any cost and they will build a mental image that is just a trap for me. I can do without the pressures of the HEALTHY ones. I´d love to share life experiences but they don[t experience life the same. At times I think God sent pain and sufferings to make our souls more evolved, and thus we don[t fit in. We won[t fit in. We will suffer in great anxiety attempting to keep everybody hoping for something we don[t know how will go or when. Funny thing is unless they are family and having to help finantially at times, who should care if I pay all my bills and live on my own. And don´t ecxpect anyone to remotely take any of my own responsibilities. REALLY people are so insecure,but yet they aren´t afraid to have sex and say whatever witll get them there. Not realizing how little this ´lays any role in my mind. So, I am DOING ME NOW. I want family and guys very far from where they can literally jerk me around. I wish they knew how to be respectful for for particiáting a little more on the understanding and open minded fashin but this is not how this capitalist and ego centered race goes about caring to learn any. In fact it´s more long term friends that are the most useful type of company, as their hopes are just to be around our existence from time to time with no hidden agenda. I also don´t feel like advertizing everything I try and do when looking to heal. At times I hot my head in stupid treatments and most would just blame me in some way I really can do without. I find this is a good move towards clarity of thinking. The underdtanding that most people will seldom really be faced with any of the fears they hold about the finity of their lives or prospects of early retirement dealing the best we can with our bodies. Some have such pety that makes me feel likr throughing up. I want positive vibes and influences to add to the healing...I would its not much to ask for inconditional love but realistically speaking only I can give it to myself and MY DOG does too. THe rest is under a contemplation glassy look of whatever they want to see or whatever peace of my body they think they must have. And I say more, girls could be more like friends but in our societies most a are gravitating around men, and i never did much of that other than the piss off esercise of marriage drag around..been there done that. Don´t miss it. But if we girls were a lot more empowered by society to be a full person and not a hopeless case for marriage crap...I´d think this path would be a lot less lonely right now. But girls compete amongs themselves for boys and the buys marry them and chase me...what´s the point in all that? I don´t care about a guy much, never mind the committted type of craps wishing to come may way...the whole thing sounds pathetic to me. I wonder where human rights have been eso much midssing about women... and I know I have one more flag coming out of all this ALONE. I just gave birth to a FEMINIST inside me, One that questions so much inequality to woman that I dare to speak against Catholic Church, main faith down here, just because gets to my nerves the women can´t be equal in their institution. And I like a GOD a lot, you see, I just happen to think God may be a woman or a mix, perhaps a transgender. The more we dig deeper, the more crazy we see. And intespectinve mode is a must or my meantal ealth will go out the window just trying to follow some crap with my eyes. Meditation, solitude, and all is calm in my world, now that i gave a few kicks just to remind who is in charge of my life and SOUL...yeppers a FULLY GROWN WOMAN who was ALWAYS plenty and ENOUGH in her own skin regardless what life threw, i SURVIVE AND HELP OTHERS...and others are more than welcome to elp me. But because I am down and I know how it feels to be alone...I will always have a HAND to hold any girl that needs me. They guys have one another watching soccer and having a beer....lol...I will have a hand for them too as long as they don´t abuse the trust for sexual agenda... sight.