So because I have decided to speak up and I am tired of keeping this pain inside, I have decided to write until I feel no pain.

Yesterday, after I finished writing my first blog, I realized that I should have done this long ago. However, I think that the reason why I didn't do it before was because I was scared of facing the true.

But now is different. Is like someone- or something deep in my heart is yelling me that I must to move on-

You know, I went to many therapist for many reasons; stress, existentialists issues, marriage problems etc., etc., etc.... They put me in some medications that completely messed me up to the point of getting crazy- or crazier, and I never got better. Also, I never mentioned anything about my grandmother or my friend's death, and even though part of my heart wanted to talk, the other one, the strongest one, didn't. I can honestly say that no one will even "fix" you if you don't want to get "fix"- and I didn't. I was not ready to take this step, and I was not ready to talk about it. I just wanted to kill my heart by thinking secretly about my grandmother, and how painful was her death.

When she died I withdrew from people- family members, friends and others wanted to express sympathy and sorrow. However, from the very first second I knew that she was death, is like my mind yield to me: NO. SHE IS ALIVE. JUST DONT LISTEN ANYONE AND DONT TALK TO ANYBODY. So, I did. I didn't want anybody saying stupid things like "I'm sorry" (when they really didn't sorry anything), or "I am with you" (when they didn't even call me for my b'day).  And I guess that is why I find the death event so ironic, so fake. People that you haven't see in like for ever- and maybe you don't even know, starts writing you emails, or call you, etc. To me that is a completely act of disrespect toward the person who is grieving. I ask myself, why you didn't come to the party that I invited you last month? why you didn't call to say congratulated me on my success? why you didn't volunteer yourself when I needed help? why you are such a fake? Well, now, when I have so much pain, the last thing I want to see is the face of someone who has not been there at all. I rather honest people that at least recognize the fact that they were never around, than  the people that remembers who you are when they find out- throughout gossips- that someone you love have died.  And also, it really piss me off the cliché "I am so sorry." NO YOU ARE NOT SORRY BECAUSE YOU DIDNT LOSE THAT PERSON THAT I LOVED SO MUCH. only those who experience the death of a loved person knows what really sorry means. So please for those who just say sorry for the sake and because you don't know what else to say, do not say sorry just because. If I say sorry is because I truly feel it, because I honestly feel your pain, not because I cannot find another word to say.

So, going back to my story about my grandmas death, I wanted to share something with you:  Now I started to remember some things about her death that I need to share so I can move on completely. She was at my mother's apt when she started getting very sick. She didn't life with her, but since my mom had a car and her apt had an elevator, my family thought that it was easier just in case of an emergency. So apparently (not very sure) she got sick. They took her to the hospital, never thinking that she was going to die. I am really not sure what happen but she started to get sicker, and my family had to stay at the hospital to make her company. So they rotated everyday and night, and they were with her at all times. I am not sure when the whole situation got out of control, but they started talking about her dying. I was like what?? no way... whatever... that's never gona happen...So I basically ignored everything that was said, I just talked to them not really hearing them. Then my husband started asking me if I wanted to travel to see her and say goodbye- but in my mind was like a waste of time and money- I didn't want to face the reality, so I rejected all options that he gave me. I was starting school I believe was august 16th-or so- and that weekend was like hell. I was calling 24/7 to the hospital, my whole family and even those who never took care of my grandma showed up. and it was a huge commotion. They were waiting for her to die. So I think that by Friday or Saturday they said that she begging to fizzle out- or to be in agony- so I "talked" to her on the phone, and without my will I said is ok, you can leave.. you can rest in peace. However, I really never thought that she was going to died. And actually, I think that she knew that I was being fake with my words, and that I didn't want her to leave me. So, it was like that for the whole weekend... how stupid is this?  waiting for someone to die? to me it was creepy and humiliating. On Monday I started school, so I woke up very early and I went to school. It was about 7:30 am when I talked to my aunt for the last time, and she said that my grandma was ok, and that my mom was going to the hospital latter. So I told my aunt, I will start class in 30 minutes, tell my mother to call me only if my grandmother dies, so I will know. (and I don't even know why I even said that).. So my class started and about 15 min.. latter I received my mothers call. And I just sat there.. in that classroom, looking at my new biology teacher. I didn't move, didn't stand up, didn't cry, didn't do anything, just be. So I guess that is when my mind denied the fact that my grandmother had left me for ever, and that I was never going to see her again. When I finished class, I got out the classroom and I called the hospital. My aunt answered the phone, and she said: your grandma says hello, and that she loves you and she will see you in heaven. I just sais no, no, no, no, no, why, no... I hanged on the phone and I called my husband, who picked me up from school and took me home. I stayed home for a few days, and I never cried, never answered phone calls, never spoke about- not even with my husband, and I even said that I never wanted to talk about her ever again.  So I did. I never mentioned her again. And when my family said something about her, I just changed the subject immediately, and if I saw a picture of her, I just closed my eyes and don't look that way anymore. I decided that my grandmother never existed, therefore, she never died. I keep this inside of me for maybe 3 or 4 years (don't remember very well when she died) until now. However, every time I was sad for any other reason, like a fight with my husband, an stressful event at school, etc., I always cried thinking of her- I always knew that even thought I wanted to think that she was not real, she was more real than anything else in my life.

In the last few days I been trying to remember everything, however, I surely did a great job blocking every memory that made me remember her.  Now, I just hope I can move one from this pain, and be able to be free again.

I told my husband last night that I enrolled in this website, and I said to him that I am ready to move on and be happy again. I just hope that this works, and somehow I can overcome this infinite pain and fear of death...

Thank you.