The thing about not having parents is that no one in my "circle" understands how I feel. They pretend to listen but their attention is quickly taken away by what is on TV and what is in the magazines. I have changed a lot since I last wrote in here. But the most recent events have me thinking that I'm still not completely all right. I even went to see a therapist while I was at school because I thought that she could help me make sense of the chaos in my head. But, I could tell that even she could barely help me. She looked at me with pity, which is something that I do not like. 

There are no programs or systems set in place for people in situations like me. I am thankful that I have my grandmother in my life and that she is healthy enough to help me through this interesting time. I have to keep in mind that my aunts and my uncle are just as lost as I am. They lost a sister. That is an experience they have never encountered before. But they can move on from it. I have to deal with it because she was my protector, my shelter, my everything. 

I have this "fighter's" mentality that no one else can understand. I don't have any choice but to try and make it in this life. If I sit around I will just quit. I know that my mother would not want that for me. I know that she would tell me to keep doing my best.

Trying to get back into school is hard because they always ask for documentation that I can not provide. The other thing that is bothering me is that I don't have any direction. I don't have any foundation. The loss of my mother and the absence of my biological father makes me seek out attention from men who are not good for me. I either have this "saving mentality" as if to say that "my life is complete when I help them" or I have this "rescue me" mentality, as if to say "please like me so you can I escape from my pain in your arms and through your time spent together." 

As anyone can see that, that has not worked out well for me. In either case I found an abusive relationship. I met men who used me. I met men who claimed to loved me, but then walked away when life got hard. I want to meet a man who is strong enough to and patient enough to understand that my mother's loss will always be attached to me. Her loss has shaped my thoughts and my feelings toward life, but it does not define who I am (entirely) as a person. 

I need someone to help me. I need someone who is willing to help me. Someone who will teach me how to do the things that I will need to learn in order to get my life started successfully. That is what parents are for. They are there to guide you, to help you build your foundation in life so that when you are ready to fly from the nest you won't just fall to the ground. They teach you how to spread your wings. How to prepare for take off. What do you do when you don't have anyone to show you how to fly? You either stay in the nest for the rest of your life or you ask someone else how things are done, but you have to be careful about the information that they tell you because they are strangers and do not have your best interest at heart. The other option is just jump and see what happens. 

My life is just beginning. But as I said before I have no direction. So, I honestly don't know what to do. I do know that I need more friends. I also know that I need to focus on stress management. My life is all right as long as I...

1. Don't try to add a man to it

2. Don't do more than I can do

I make the second comment because there are times when I feel like I'm not doing enough. Then there are times when I feel like I'm doing too much. The one thing that I don't know how to do is relax. I also need more patience with people. I thought maybe that I had a psychological disorder of some kind but I don't think I do. I may just have attachment issues. I don't know what you call it when you think all the time. Nor do I know what you call it when you "FEEL" everything. It feels like I can feel the emotions of the world. There really is no really way to explain it further. 

When I see my cousins interact with their mother's I hurt. I'm not jealous because I know that they need guidance and love too. But I'm "wishful." My graduation day was perfect. I had everyone there who I wanted. My grandmother, aunts, my step dad, my sister and my boyfriend (at the time). But change is constant. And just like I figured it would happen, my aunts went back to their lives, my step dad went back to taking care of my half sister and my boyfriend and I broke up. The only person that has stuck around through everything is my grandmother. I am very thankful for her patience and her kindness. She could have placed me in and orphanage if she did not want to be bothered with me. My aunts would have not made any bones about doing so.

I know I'm not crazy when I say that I feel like a "burden." They tell me that I'm paranoid and that I don't know what I'm taking about. But I am the only one that knows how I feel. I want to be heard. I want to share my story so that I can reach out to other people who are in the same boat as I am. I know I'm not the only one who was raised by their grandmother. Yet, I feel like I'm the only one in the entire world going through all of this. It is a constant battle. This struggle within. The writing helps a lot.