I guess coming out of hell looks like everyone has a routine in life much like varius channels in one tv, none of which we can relate. Human race can be inhospitable. And we want to join, and believe in a channel here and there, but none of it sounds like true deeper inside. It´s like watching a dance whereas we are pretending to know the steps but couldn´t care less about doing it, taking part. Relationships are like a bubble and inside lives another being and the best I feel like getting close is to a glass of contemplation. Nothing there I can remotely see myself in or relate. The more fantastic it gets towards the plans people have for me, such as lets go travel a different country when my back barely allows national flight sort of thing. It seems as if people these days are so self absorved that it doesn´t matter who we really are, but the image in their heads that it´s fake from the very start. I feel they don´t listen really, they just project needs and wants they are craving daily and that´s a weird play I can´t take the part, can´t phisically play the part, and can´t understand why people choose this fantasy land when I have made them fully aware of where I am at. THen there is the people that make you the main actor as if the play never suited the least. I wonder what fantasy land is so fantastic that takes ignoring all around that is real, tangible and being said. Then there is another part of human race that are crazy for the left overs...meaning, ok now you are single or alone and I am the next best choice...what kind of crap is that? I wonder what depths of human kind is KIND to say the least. Some people really like the lalaland. They make this weird image and when I rebel after I go unnoticed into what I can and can´t be, and I say listen...I know I did this stupid thing out of despise of your laland, and I am sorry, but lalaland isn´t looking any better. Two wrongs don´t make it right, but being right in a FAKE story sucks too. People love to blame, but hate to admit they went so far in their lalaland, at the exclusion of what is the real me. And the more they got closer on their needs sucking my will, I got pissed and chose reality check and butt off. SOmetimes it´s funny how DEEP the hurt is. It´s not that I can´t deal or respected or be trusted. I JUST got SICK and TIRED of the forever exercise to fit in someone´s LALAND and tying to tell it isn´t like me at all. Because every time that part is sucking me to their needs and wants, a little part of me is NUMBED in the process. It´s not about how wonderful one wants me to play a role there, but WHAT ROLE this plays in MY LIFE HERE AND NOW. It´s like someone is playing my feelings fo a fol or some weird way to relate that is quite superficial and I have to repeat 10 times the same thing and goes unnoticed, to the point pissed is just another candy I have to chew. The reality is that hurting is a very REAL process. And the more we hurt, the deeper we need to touch to make the come back. And most people never did any digging for anything real. They just like the dragging along exercise in life. They drag their feet in the jobs, in the family, with peers, and with life. Everything lame is more than ok and plenty. And as soon as we rebel to shut the crap and get real, shaking them a little makes loosing laland and irreparable loss. But what did it meant for me to squeeze myself into their lalaland? Oh, that was nothing, and I over reacted to everything and blah blah blah...please tell me te perfect talk to make me fit again in laland and fell like a princess or something like that. They can´t afford reality, but squeezing every part of our soul into this shrinking to fit exercise is somehow COMPLETELLY ACCEPTABLE and the only REALITY they care. I wonder how many times I´d have to break my back until they realized I am dealing with pain daily and I need a calm life and reality is all I can do. It´s very stressful, annoying, and a real piss off exercise trying to fit in a SHOEBOX made for me without considering my actual size. Meaning, some people have this shoebox whereas they drag you in it calling you girlfriend, then wife, or whatever. But it doesn´t matter ewho is in it. As soon as we complain the shrinking is NOT OK, they dismiss like our feelings are nothing. But that box is AMAZING! If i just hit myself on the head enough times and again and again...I´d learn the pains to fit is ARE SO WORTH IT! Holy macarrony crap. I swear I think some people are from another planet called laland stage kinden garden. Blindness to all that is REAL and TANGIBLE is a MUST to be ACCEPTED. Come on now...do you ever feel like fitting is is just a TRIP? And you want out of the trip one way to someone´s paradise which to you is just hell to pay all the way? Yeah, that´s how I feel....been there done that and pay my my does to that dirt right there, I aiin´t fitting in simply because requires me to be smaller and at one day down the road I have anothe role...the girl that went missing...I disappear and become someone´s toy. Been then played around for so long that lost all connections to SELF, REAL, and BEAUTIFUL inside my SOUL. What´s wrong with that? Yeah for one to look AMAZING and another one has to just clap there is ABSOLUTELy no room for 2. I loook at that and think....who the hell does this laland made to this brain of yours? Must be some type of illusion of the pathetic type. I still like to think we all hurt and we all are EQUAL. But by having to even explain a whole lot is just CRAZY. But some people make us feel forever and each time ORE REDUCED or NEEDY or CRAVING their shitty presence (never enough and forever making it seems more than what it is). The best measure is HOW CONTENT WE FEEL in their absence...yeah, right after their wonderful presence. Kiss my ass for all I care, some people are just damaging any way they come...and most often the SAVIOUR and PROTECTOR shield are the best front for the biggest CRAPS. Just saying....sight.