A few years back I lost the love of my life, my grandmother.

When I knew that she was sick and that she was going to die, I decided not to think about it, and ignore everything about her situation. The word "denial" became my name's synonym.

My grandmother and I were so close that I cannot even described it... She basically raised me, and my whole life was around her wellbeing.  She always said that me and my cousin were her favorite grandchildren, and we developed a special bond that it was unbreakable.. It sounds kind of creepy, I know... A grandchild stuck in life because of her grandmas death... how hard could it be? I guess people can think that this loss is nothing compare with the loss of a child, or a husband.- however, I think that is not about who you lose but how much love was lost.

My grandmother and I always talked about her death because I used to tell her that she couldn't leave me behind. I always said to her that she needed to meet my future babies, my grandbabies, and my grand grandbabies.. We knew this idea was absurd, however, we wanted to believed that I was going to be real., we just wanted to be together for ever. I guess this is because for some reason I was always scare about her -and everybody else- death.

I remember crying alone when I was about seven years old thinking about my family's death. I don't know why, but since a very young age I always feared the fact of losing my love ones. I guess is because I have such a luck with my family. They are the best family of the entire world. And not because they were perfect but because we loved each other's imperfects...

When is was 13 years old I lost a friend due to leukemia. This was the worst experience ever because I thought that God was going to save her because she was so young and good, and I never thought that she was going to die. Until the day that she left this world... I remember thinking that there was not a God, and that if there was one, is was a very unjust God. And I guess that is here when I separated myself from religion completely. I lost the little hope that I had, and I developed a fear of death that is indescribable.  

So I grew in a world of existentialists crisis. My mind was vague, and I become even more attached to the rest of my family and pets. FEAR OF DEATH, FEAR OF THE ABSENCE, FEAR OF NOT KNOWING IF I WILL SEE THEM AGAIN, JUST FEAR AND INTRANQUILITY.  

So, after many years of growing an intense fear of losing my grandmother, I found myself in my apartment talking to my mother and rest of the family about my grandmas terrible sickness. However, I just listened, I never heard... My mind didn't want to accept the fact that the worst time of my life was coming; She was going to die.

I didn't want to hear my mom, and I thought that they were giving up on my grandmother. I hate the doctors, and I wanted them to burn in hell for letting my grandmother die.  I thought that everybody was negative, and in my mind I thought that she was going to make it and laugh with me one more time. But no, this did not happen. Before she died I didn't get the change to say goodbye... but not because I couldn't, but because I didn't want to. She was in another country, and even though I could arranged everything to go and say goodbye, I didn't want to do it. I don't know if it was because I didn't want to accept the reality, or because I was upset at her that her was going to leave me, or because I never thought that her situation was such serious. I don't know, the fact is that I didn't say a real goodbye....After all the love, after such much energy between us, after all, I didn't say goodbye.

So she died and I decided to forget about her. I decided that I never knew her, and she never existed. I never cried, I never let anyone said anything about her. I become hard on my family, and I completely blocked her memory from my head. Honestly I don't even remember how long she has been death. I never thought about it and I never talked to anyone about it, until today.

And I guess that I want to talk now because my body and soul are tired of suffering silently. I am exhausted. I have so much pain, so much anger, so much sadness. And I know that even thought I tried so hard to not think about her, she is always in my mind; when I drove to work, when I studied, when I was with my family; when I listened music. She is there like a ghost; waiting for me to cry out loud and grief and move on.

So I guess that the hardest thing is when I think about the fact that I will never see her again. If I don't believe in heaven; don't believe in another life; I don't believe in anything, how I am going to have faith that I will see her again. I guess that for religious people is easier to grief because they know that they will reunite with their love ones, but what about people like me? So, we are people that lose others and have to life with an eternal absence and pain. I think this is not fair; and I am so UPSET. Everything will be so much easier if I could just feel in my heart that I will be with my loved ones one more time.

However, I guess I was born to be like this... But anyways, regardless of what I am meant to be, I cannot keep on having this pain anymore. I need to forgive her, I need to forgive me, and I need to forgive everybody else. This is why I decided to join this website. I need to be free of pain, and I need to talk about how hard and painful was this lost. I deserve, want and wish to be happy. I deserve, want and wish to feel in peace with her. I need to remember her smile, and I want to have a great memory of her when she was alive.

Thank you.