Hurting Heart

I never realized that there were so many people that are going through what I am. Over the past couple of years I have lost my grandmother who I loved very much, and my soulmate. The holidays get extremely hard, but I think it just reminds me of how things used to be. A better time in my life where I felt that nothing could go wrong. My soulmate's name is Jerry, and we did everything together. He showed me the world and how it could be, live each day to the fullest. I don't do that anymore, I just wish that he was back here with me or I could be with him. I see no reason for getting up in the morning, to me it's just another day I have to survive. Sometimes I hope that things will change but I feel like I have had my chance at happiness and there is nothing but memories left, and sometimes I get scared that those will go away also. I have been through alot in my life, and when he came along I knew it all had changed. I do not understand why people keep dying or leaving my life. I would help anyone in need even if it left me with nothing. I decided that it is best if I isolate myself from the rest of the world because it is just easier that way. I am slowly starting to get back into the world around me, but am terrified that I will get hurt again. I do not think I can take that kind of hurt again. Well that it for now, I am really tired, not sleeping much these days.

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Comment by Caitlin Wolfe on January 5, 2011 at 9:03pm
I am sorry that your loss is so recent, I know that they say that each day gets easier, and I guess eventually it does. This past Christmas was the low point of their death and I actually went to the mountains where we used to spend time together to kill myself. I sat there for two days, as my life ran like a movie through my mind. Something inside finally gave in and I realized that I had more to live for then I did to go be with him. Though I have no family I am reuniting with people that I let out of my life because of the grief. It is hard because I still feel as if I am going through the motions. Hopefully that will change someday. I think to a degree it will always hurt but I know that if he is watching me now that he would be disappointed in the fact that I had given up, instead of living life to the fullest. I think about both of them on a daily basis and sometimes that is what helps me make it through. Knowing that they are still in my heart, the thing that scares me the most is that the emeories will fade and I will forget what we had. Got to go now, but thankyou for you sharing your life with me it does help. Because the I don't know of anyone that has lost their soulmate, and it helps to know that there is some one out there that understands.
Comment by Patricia J. Jones on January 5, 2011 at 3:20pm

I just lost my husband on December 3, 2010.  He was on the UNOS list waiting for a heart transplant.  The last day of his life was horrible and I keep reliving it over and over again.  At Christmas I posed with my two children (no husband, no dad).  I made it through the holidays but barely.  I feel the same.  It's just another day.  I have so much to do to settle things (a death leaves you with a lot of unfinished business) and I just don't have the desire to do any of it.  Hard as it may seem, it's not good to isolate yourself.   There are a lot of very caring people on this site.  Nobody knows the pain we  are going through like others who are experiencing the same pain.  None of my friends have lost their spouses or partners so they have no idea what I'm going through.

I have several women on this site that I email regularly.  It's great to have the support of these wonderful women.  Wishing for some peace for you.

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