As i am moving on to making my way back to work these days, seems I have to avoid the MENTAL state whereas the mind goes into some FROZEN state whereas I am unabe to move on in a healthy manner. See once we decided to leave that state of mind whereas the self pitty pot is full and the gun of frustration pointed at self, justified hurting or not that keeps me back to a state of NON ACTION or POOR REACTION, where self blame mixes with the stan still place....well, times changed. I realize I can´t blame so much myself for what others do to me that are from the past and do what they know best...exploit every weakness to get their fix of delight to them at the expensive cost to me to put me right there where I DECIDED no longer to be. THus I have to be a LOT QUICKER to FORGIVE MYSELF instead finding so many EXCUSES to blAME MYSELF and free them from their responsibility. Change is GRADUAL. It´s ok to set NEW boUNDARIES with peers that just make a mess in my life by the sape and form they jump IN or OUT. Always thought a GOOD MEASURE of how GOOD or BAD is the influence somene has in our WELL BEING is truly revealing when they LEAVE. Meaning, do we feel happier, fulfilled, less or more self reliant. Or perhaps just ring back the old hurt that cascades into us looking for AttentioN and LOVE in all the WRONg PLACES. Ok true that 2 WRONGS dont make it right. but true too that some people love to have an imediate fix in their lives coming in contact with ours bringing to US in the SHAPE and FORMATS in which their presence is FELT and TRIGGERS in our realms of EMOTIONS. And INSTEAD trying so hard To CONTROL my Set OF EMOTIONS and making nice excuses for what we allowed them in once again, perhaps its time to SEE FOR WHAT IS IS...JERKS are JERKS and the WEAKENESS is not necessarily something to be confronted, but embraced and LOvIng SELF ore than others is perhaps a lot more FREEING. HOWVEr, there is something to be said to what brought that energy to us like a MAGNET. Chance is just one factor. But looking at the chain of people and events that puts us in the STUCK motion that brings about more people to help us STAY THERE, that and giving a clear message when we feel stronger and more able to set NEW BOUNDARIES to the same old crap...that is that BABY step that starts the SHIFT to keep SHITTY FEELINGS out or GOOD. And sometimes we make one GOOD MOVE to keep one asshole out for good, by making the use of another not so great influence to help us reinforce that new set boundarie. As long as we are able to kick one crap influence out and keep out, I´d think this is real progress. As the clean up started although there is more that needs to be done. Sometimes we must realize that our support to withstand some bigger craps come from some others who brings us smaller annoyances or craps. Also, it does not necessarily have to do with PEOPLE, but just their NEGATIvE inflUENCe on OUR FEELINGS. So, that helps us move forward fromendless debates within our SELVES to convince us that either they aren´t so bad, they mean no harm and blah blah blah. It´s just that CLEAN UP IS GRADUAL and new good influences takes time to occupy the good MENTAL SPACE in ourselves....and that will make action against not so good influences to be dealt with when stronger. Meaning, bigger shit will no longer have the room or be welcome to stay and damage our relationship with SELF, because that space of IDLE and NON REActiON has been eliminated. HEALED. DEALT with the best we can and know how. And understanding that moving away from a VuLNERAbLE PLACE takes also PROACtivE ACTION to CLOSE The DOOR the the behaviours of others...not necessarily to the PEOPLE, although...as you may realize......some people are FULL of shit towards us...and therefore they RESENT when we no longer want their MESS hitting our MESSY state of mind. Realizing ok I am vulnerable but I am not stupid and if ANYONE DESERVES to be LOvED UNCONDITIONALLY is MYSELF FIRST AND ONLY...there is a place of firm ASSERTIVE message we are able TO GIVE, KEEP and REINFORCE. Because SAID NICELY and in a respective manner...will shame them into their level of shit bringing, and they can see themselves for the shits they bring. For instance I had this friend that is also a neighbour that recently separated and he goes to the bar across the street from my condominium and he is usually drunk when he starts messaging me that he wants to see me and talk to me, whereas I am normally in bed heading to my sleep. Not only that. But if I am to interact till he feels GOOD and OK, that will take good part of my sleeping time because the crap starts at midnight and goes most the ight and just stops when he can have intimacy. However then he is a complete jerk and pretents I am a bugger if i want to interact with him in the meantime between these chaotic states he finds himself in. Been there and done that enough times that it doesn´t phase me at all. So yesterday I put a clear message by messaging him...listen, don´t remember I exist after you drink and past midnight, since this time I am sleeping and sometimes with my boyfriend and thus, although I´d like to be a friend TO YOU, that isn´t reasonable or WELCOME anymore. Please keep the alcaholic self at the bar and away from my life and my home. To which he answered... HE WOULDNT BE DOING THAT AGAIN. Alright. So I went for a dog walk and get myself a pop and something to eat in the nearby little store where we all hang out and PUT to the test. Went there said hi to all and chat with the girls some and then just walked home, turned off the volume in the cell phone like I normally do, prayers and SLEEP TIME. Gracious GOD, by the time I woke up there wasnt any drunk message on my phone. In fact he was hitting on another girl and I felt HAPPY about that, one JERK out and was easier than previous times I did that. Because I could FINALLY see the GUILT ELSEWHERE, where it truly deserve tos to be....WITH THE JERK ACTION, instead of my VULNERABLE REACTION. Sometimes by doing that final MOVE or PUSH we realize they are what they are, ASSHOLES, JERKS or whatever, but they can keep that side to someone else and give me the FULL RESPECt i want NOthing LESS or NOthing more. I don´t need to have a boyfriend, I could fake one and make it stick and that did it for me to use amongst other things to set that boundary. After all, I try my best to be HONEST WItH MYSELF, but when dealing with crap some crap their way won´t be wasted, its just about pushing the right buttons to keep them out and off my back for good, until he learns to RESPECT WOMEN, which really is NOT HAPPENING anytime soon in this LIFETIME. But its no longer my problem, I am not his mother. So F* the F*tard and let his ass follow his crap. RESPECT IS A MUST. LIKING IS A PLUS. And LIKING with no RESPECT adds up to ABUSE and therefore is useless. That´s why some peers need to loose their access in ways to us that brings their best ABUSIVE BEHAVIOURS, and you would BE IMPRESSSED how LITTLE THEY CARE ABOUT ME, it was never about me even though the finger pointing esercise was somehow always ready to blame ME, of course. Jerks are and will be jerks, but they are what they are allowed to be. Once out however makes SUCH a relief that we don´t want to exchange more than hi or bye because all else turns into a bad MEXICAN SOAPOPERA I always felt more like SWITCHINg the channels and walking away and STAYING AWAY, and all else confirms. I CHANGED...because jerks don´t change and in fact if we look close enough the friends of friends that stick up for them are by SIMILArITy, JERKS love JERKS, and are quick to point in me being UNFAITHFUL to SOMEONE I WAS NEVER IN A RELATiONSHIP WITH. Crazy is crazy. Nuts have to be pointed right where the nuts crap start pouring out and in my direction. they can smart up and go be an asshole to whoever puts up. As long as they are off for good into my life....that will do. Jerks are specialists into spoting that little tiny space you allow yourself to breath to make their way back in. that´s why making this boyfriend story stick made me free. I am dating another, although just a bit serious. However since I want eventually to be more serious, why not making my life a little more towards where I want to be and sometimes faking to make it helps, or at least does help the job of keepig some crazy out, when they are messing with something SO PRECIOUS...MY FEELINGS. So, fair enough to to whatever it takes to root them out and keep them RIGHT THEre where they can see and interact to a minimum cordial level, but feel at odds in bringing the JERK to play ME. Life is good...taking one shit bad at a time. I felt such a RelIEF, undiscribable.Thanked God a lot in my prayers. GRATEFUL, CALM, COLLECT...and no longer addicted to any of that BS DRAMA KING soapopera. Tehre is more cleaning to do, but most definentely I was and I am PROUD to get my self love and respect to the levels whereas my common sense and love for PEAce first and uppermost is now APPLIED to myself. That will do. Touch down, worst asshole is out for good. The smaler ones later, one day at a time, and one bad influence out at MY TIME, not at their mercy. I FEEL EMPOWERED, taking the power back from where I have NEVER DELegATED in the first place. And feels soo good. Was about time to protect this mental space in peace to keep moving FORWARD.