Ok so after so much debate around the mother issue since her caretakin was taken over by my elder sister in a very aggressive move...here we are now. I refuse to visit because meeting the conditions to visit are pathetic to say the least. I am suppose to go to a clinic and don´t correct any negligence I see after registrering and sending to police. Holy crap, hell no. Then sister was suppose to change place but never did. THen she was suppose to arrange mother to visit here and also never did. So...now they want me to visit in hospital after I just gave them hell for waiting too long to take her there. Comes a point that fighting is useless and PEACE is the single goal, right? MY PEACE. The rest butt off. Can´t guilt me later or anytime soon into CARYING about anything that goes on there, right? Fine. This is where I am at. Very well. So I am here in the peace of my home and there are calls from family trying to guilt me into visiting mother in hospital. I gave a peace of my mind. I am sick and none visity me or care to see how I can get there...never mind CARING or WISHING to be there. Came a point I really don[t give a shit. And if anyone wants to dump their load of crap on my I am a shark ad shpw my teeth dumping 10 times more so they leave me along fr longer. So father and I decided to make an ATTEMPT for peaceful VISIT in hospital for my mother. I honestly had to drag myself to the wanting to be there....knowing that place is full of crap and I don´t give a shit anymore. Even giving shit takes energy and time, so I don´t have energy to waste. And what´s the point anyhow? I save for the more stupid things I see...but for the predictable ones such as family interaction about it I pass very far...Done with that. But SEEMS THEY CAN`T FIND A PLACE IN PEACE THERE without engaging me in some way...fully knowing I want them all to go to hell, and they are paving it themselves now. What do they need me for? Ah their usual crap, I see.

I ENTER THE HOSPITAL ROOM. Mother is happy to see me. I am not loving as I used to be. Thhere is no kiss or holding her hand. I go from the crair across the room to next to the bed and back. I hardly want to help any. Sister starts making a little advertising of how she is treating her and needs to be done and I am quiet, don´t engage. So sister goes out for coffee and leave us alone. As soon as she walks out the door there, mother is complaining about her. S I hadt to give mother SHIT, saying listen, you wanted her to control resources...so if you want me to care or do anyhting you must talk to your family and lawyer and ask THEM to TAKE OVER FINANCES, because hey I´ve been there and NOW I CAN`T DO SHIT ABOUT IT. USELESS to compain to me. Compain to who CAN SOLVE IT. So she said but I want to stay in this clinic and not be moved to another (sister brainwash), which I responded fine, you can do that way and understand I won´t visit, and neither other people feel comfortable to see abuse and shut up. We arent cut that way. So, MOTHER, if to you it´s ok that only one daughter visits, get used to it. I am ok with it, although I´d love to be able to spend quality time with mother without being UTTERLY disrespected. And she decided that I should change topic of conversation..I did. Talked about my dog, my life and blah. Of course she went back to apathy which is exactly how I found her there, a person with no SOUL, no LIFE, not HAPPY. I made so much to see her happy, but oh well, some people I guess aren´t met or cut to value any of that. And with that resolve, my only opinion is they deserve each other and misery found company just fine. Of course I never engage in miserable existance, and wont do now. Its funny how things are. I used to care a lot, now it´s just like seeing a dying actor of a cheap movie. Doesn´t get to me in that level anymore. THen I went to find sister as mother asked for her and I used as the door out without thinking twice. Sister came and off I went. THe experience was near PATHETIC. And I had to come and vent with friends all the bs that I endured. Except that now gets me annoyed just for a couple hours and caring for mother was a full time ordeal after the family stepped in. Before there was money, nobody wanted anything to do with her. But money on the wrong hands sounds like bad politics, and I find distance from the hole crap serves me a lot better. THere is one caretaker that is apid that I respect and using the phone to intermediate works fine for me, I avoid the entire family crap. 

But makes me wonder...why does she tell everyone she misses my food and wants to see me and blah, if everything is so BEAUTIFUL and I am the BAD ONE. Why does my sister need anything to do with me there, if the money and mother are all HER CRAP NOW. Hey I didnp´t need anyone to take care of mother when I did...MOTHER NEEDED FAMILY, and that´s why I let them all pick and choose about resources and all. But wasnt good enough, but now life isnt good enough without me...I wonder what crap planet they are all from. It´s pathetic to mistreat e in every way possible...but still want me to clap, wholy shit. Steal my brains, because the heart ids long gone for self preservation purposes. I wonder how someone that did an abortion can take care of a mother....abuse is something interesting.Works like a bad VIRUS, you know. Unless there is people around clapping, and baing abused in some way the shit won´t stand on it´s own. Now why do I need to be there? I don´t, and if they doo...maybe should consider KEEPING THE WORD to what WAS MANDATORY wen I passed the care over. So...really...fulck that shit all toghether and I am GOOD on my own. Let shit hang out with shit, I am not shit and never will be. And I don´t need to remotely fit in. I think was to my actual benefit stop fighting for someone who doesn´t give a shit to keep the life they have when real crazy people want to take over and do real shit. Oh well...passed more then the CARETAKING, I ceased to CARE. As sad as it could be, it isn[t. It´s the only peaceful manner to coexist with all the SHIT around, without sinking in that. WAY OUT. Time and time having to exercise that distance, well, will take evenually 100yrs for me to ACTUALLY CARE. THere are actions such as moving clinics that the timing is going to be so far off, that will no longer resolve. Now they want me to go to the clinic with father or whoever KEEPS THE PEACE, and the same. I just NO LONGER feel like going. That simple. We aren´t talking about mother and sister who ever gave a damn to family, in the contratry. Helping more felt more like diging deep inside me for the simple gratitude to life versos a life long abusive person who didn´t give a damn. So, it´s npt like I want to suffer more to who already gave me much more suffering than I ever needed...so for me they can all go to hell. But in my life, I don´t have HELL to give to anyone one day out of 365. NONE. I want a life with god, good vibes and love, and if they don´t understand how much I fought for LIFE, for all of them...oh well, them they must be confused of what family is, very fasr from the trapping last name to actual love and caring...to all. one day might come to theirt minds. But fornow I am a GONNER and want to see them very little. life as is...time heals and I wont force myself to be all to all people, its not realistic...now i am just mine and that will do