Not looking forward to Christmas
It's been a long time since I've posted a Blog on here but I am not looking forward to Christmas I am notBecause the people should be here it's no longer hereSee More
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Feelings
I can't sleep. I miss you so much. It seems so unfair that you are not here. It has not even been a month. I have trouble breathing sometimes and can't see myself doing this without you. I close my eyes and hear your last moments. I feel like a chunk of ice that is begining to thaw out. I was so cold and numb at first, but now little things chip away at that cold numbness and it feels like a kick in my stomach. I have no one to talk to. No one here gets this pain. They all say, "You have to stay strong for the kids!" or, " Wouldn't Rick want you to forgive and move on and be happy?" I don't know. I do know that I am not Rick and I cannot and will not forgive so easy. In a split second all my happiness was taken away from me. My bestfriend, my consant companion, my lover, the person who was the glue that held our blended family together, gone. Gone. what an ugly word. I miss you. I need you. Everything just continues to go wrong without you here. I no longer get to wait for your phone calls from work, or the phone call when you are on your way home. I don't get to hear your laughter or get to hear you sing or even argue with me. They say time heals all, well I don't believe that. Fact is, I don't believe in a lot of things anymore. I think that in time your memory may be less painful, but I will have to learn to cope. I am so angry. One senseless act, one selfish deed, took away 5 kid's dad, my everything. Now I only see Tyler on facebook. I only get to see pictures of his life. I get to hear how your Kyle feels guilty for being a kid and watch your Cody turn into a man. I watch my Kyle become defiant, and our Koty get lost in my emotions. I seriously hate it here. I keep dreaming about you. I love you so much! I hope you did not feel anything. I am glad I was on that phone with you. I think I knew. I just did not want to accept what I heard. I don't know what to do now. I need you. This house is just a house now. We can't buy it together anymore. Christmas is just a torture device set up to make me hurt, but the show must go on for the kids. I wish so many things. I play the what if game. I think I am slowly going insane. I just want to touch you again, hear your soft voice say, "Hey Baby." Life sure is unfair.
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Comment
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Comment by Kristi Eaves on February 8, 2012 at 2:00am
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2 counts of manslaughter! I cannot believe how things work. You take someone's life and it is nothing. All around you see slogans that say, "stupid cancer! Let's fight for a cure!" You never see, " Stupid drunk J#$%&* let's fight for a cure!" Cause there isn't one. He has gotten away with murder. He continued to write on Facebook until last week! Where is the justice for Rick! For his family? I wish I could sleep,.
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Well, Christmas is almost here and I wish Rick was here too. I just wish this had all been a horrible dream, but I know better. I miss everything. People are so kind and giving, but I would trade it all for one more day with him. I appreciate everyone here. I like being somewhere that I don't feel like it is wrong for me to talk about him. People seem to withdraw and act like I should be getting over this by now. How? I know that if their world had changed this drastically they would be right here. They would then understand this loss. It is so empty here.
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Comment by MIchael A Ballard on December 21, 2011 at 12:52am
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Kristi,
We're here with you and you're not alone.
Very sorry for your loss and this is a great place for friends and support.
Peace and prayers,
Michael
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Comment by Robin Jone on December 11, 2011 at 1:48pm
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Kristi, I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart hurts for you and your children. I have not lost a husband or partner, but I have lost both my parents, brother, nephew and many other loved ones. Most recently, on September 3rd, the worst day of my life, I lost my son Zach in a tragic accident. One second he was here, and in a blink of an eye he was gone. I don't know how we gone on with our lives when something tragic like what has happened to us. I guess we try to do it for our other loved ones. I thank God for my husband, daughters, and granddaughters, without them I don't know if I could do this. Sometimes it is just one moment at a time. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Robin
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Comment by Melissa Broome on December 11, 2011 at 5:34am
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I'm so very sorry that's awful. I wish I had something to say to comfort you. I'm just so sorry
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Rick was hit head on by a drunk driver on November16th. We were talking about our Thanksgiving plans. He was just getting off of work at a level 5 prison. The driver was going over 110 mph, down a divided highway the wrong way. He made it quite a distance before he crashed into Rick. Random and senseless. It could have been anyone. The man who did it was 31 years old. It was on a Wednesday night at 1109 .....I just can't make sense of it. I feel like everyone else is going on with their lives, but my normal is gone. It feels like I don't belong here with other people. Like I am watching animals at the zoo. Going to Wal-Mart has become a chore. Ugh! I am miserable.
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Kristi,
So very sorry for your loss. I normally check how long it's been that you lost your loved one but your profile is private so I have no idea. I'm still very sorry about your pain. It really sucks. It's like a bad dream you can't wake up from. If yah need someone to talk to I'm here for you. Take care the best you can
Hugs,
Melissa
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