I can't believe how lost I feel these days. I have never felt like this before. I have always been the strong one who holds everybody up, but now I feel so broken and the one person who was able to hold me together is the person I'm missing so much. For the last 17 years he was the person I could depend on no matter what, even when we were apart from one another and got a dissolution he was still there whenever I needed him. Those that knew either of us well were not surprised when we started dating again and eventually moved back in together last year. His family was surprised, but not our friends who truly knew us. 

I don't think I will ever forget Thursday January 5, 2012 for the rest of my life. That was the day my world came crashing down around me and since then I've been trying to dig my way out of the rubble left behind. The day started out like any other, we both got ready for work and as he was heading out the door he kissed me, told me he loved me, and would see me that night after work. With that he left for work. I continued on with my day, took my daughter took school, went to work, picked my daughter up and went home. Her & I had a conversation about school and friends for a bit after we got home, then she asked if she could use the car to go visit a friend (she was turning 17 in 5 days then). After she left I went to the computer room to do my data transfer for work and a good friend texted me asking what was I doing. When I told her I was finishing up work she then wanted to know where I was. I told her I was at home doing my data transfer and asked what was up as she usually didn't give me this line of questioning. She didn't reply. I then received a text message from Troy's (this is my guy) sister that said I can't believe this is happening! That took me by surprise so I responded with "what is happening?" She then texted and asked where was I? By now I'm getting very suspicious that something is going on that I should know about but noone wants to tell me so reply that I am home and what the hell is going on? I decided to check out her facebook page and didn't see anything out of the ordinary there, so I pulled up the website to our local newspaper and was in complete and utter shock! I can't remember exactly what the headline said, all I can recall is something about County worker killed by tree or something of that nature. Troy worked for the county highway department and all I could think of was No, it isn't him don't think that way. Then I got the text from his sister that said "It's Troy!". I remember screaming and shaking and feeling complete disbelief there was no way this was happening. I called his dad's house as his dad works there part-time too. His step-mom answered  and I said Ellen please tell me that what they are saying isn't true, tell me Troy is ok. She replied coldly, now Cindy a guy named such and such from the sheriff's department will be over soon to talk to  you. I dropped the phone, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. His own family wasn't even telling me the truth. At that point I must have called a good friend of ours in complete shock or something because he said he couldn't understand a word I was saying but he would be right here. Before he got here the phone rang and it was Troy's mom, all she said was come over here, we need to be together now. I told her I couldn't, that they said the sheriff was coming here and I needed to get my kids home before they heard this news. Troy has raised my kids since they were 4 yrs. old and 10 mo. old and was the only Dad either of them have ever really had. My son's Dad died at the age of 39 from a brain aneurysm when my son was 4 yrs. old and my daughter's dad is a deadbeat. So this wasn't the first time I've lost someone that I dearly loved. Troy's mom then said that she would have her husband bring her to our house and as we were  hanging up my good friend Mark came in. He still couldn't understand what I was saying, he said I wasn't making any sense at all. The phone rang again and it was Troy's sister in law telling me that his mom was in no shape to go anywhere and they were just going to stay there and if I needed them than that's where they would be. 

A few minutes went by and the sheriff came to my door, by now it was almost 5pm and they informed me that Troy and his crew were cutting down a tree that day and Troy was cutting the last 12 ft down when the tree twisted and fell on him, crushing him, he was pronounced on the scene at 2:07 pm!!! The text I received from his sister saying It's Troy came at 3:56  pm! So the whole time my daughter and I were sitting here having a conversation laughing and joking around they all already knew that he had been in an accident and died. How could they not call and tell me? I found out from a couple guys that work on the same crew as Troy that they were trying to get my phone number to call me, when suddenly one of them remembered Troy's cell phone was in the truck so they got it out and found my number in his emergency contacts and was about to call me when either Troy's Dad or brother (both were taken to the scene) took the phone away and said we'll just let the sheriff tell her. By the time I had gotten both of my kids home to tell them this devasting news, his name had been released to the media and was all over the news. By the grace of God my kids didn't find out from a different source. Hell, one of my daughter's friend called her to see how she was doing because he had heard the news and he realized that she didn't know yet so he just told her that if she ever needed to talk to call him (his own father had comitted suicide a few yrs back..so he could somewhat relate to the pain she was about to endure). 

This was just the beginning of the ugliest nightmare I've ever witnesed. I am lost without Troy. I don't know what to do without him, or how to go on living without him. He was the glue that held me together for so many years, he was my rock. And in an instant he was gone.