I consider myself spiritual and not much in favour of organized religion. But lately I thought that could perhaps help to bring some peace or have some positive impact, So for the last  weeks I have been going once a week to this evangelic church witch I quite enjoy the visits. In the beggining was some help to put more peace in my heart and feel better. And that had a positive impact however I needed that new boost the next week or things would feel heavier somehow. Some weekes later I started really getting to it, and to some wild extreme I tried to cut off all the bads and be completely in tune and eager to baptize. But then some things were just too much to give up and there was somethings I missed and wanted back that may not be great with god, but its ok to me. I find it could have a negative impact taken to the extreme as it would make a forced change and felt more like military service than church. So I had to come to grips that extremely religious isn´t to my benefit necessariy unless I want to marry a guy within the realms of that church, work for the church and delete my history with people I like that are good to me but have no religion or any particular faith compatible to where I am going. So I put in context and thought....ok the extremes in anything are not really healthy, although faith HELPS. The paralell however is there. Whereas when we are obcessed about being good, or being well, or about someone or event ... we tend to feel all 100 times amplified. And it´s when we get a more outsider look into it and leave some helpless prfound moments to the scale that it really is...meaning sometimes wejust need to sleep better and the bs amplified version of anything we can leave for another time to revisit...I guess the times we are able to separate ourselves from the extreme version of OUR SELVES, that is something very TELLING. Telling me I am walking out of that black hole somehow because life seems lighter and brighter. To the extent however that there is not a trade between the obsession to feel hopeless to the obcession of god perfect over bught. So, faith has the plus part and the down side just like all else. It´s good, alright, but sometimes nearly impossible to be that closed minded 100 percent in it. If we were to go that way, would be the next weird thing ...turn down entire society and people who think different just because they will say things and do that is from their free will and not to please my new religion. And how good would thta bee to turn the back to everybody in our support system and rely on peers we barely know? So, that is however implicit into the faith that we are strict about influences...such as music, movies and so on. And I spent a few weeks seeing every movie and religious thing that I could put my hands on. After 2 to 3 weeks my mind was really closed to everyhting that wasn´t pro god and all else was like the devil attempt to ruin us. Almost like a scary movie, made me remember the dictatorship, something so self imposed and strict that takes any joy into simple things not that easy. It´s like I was watching every thought and action and was extremely tough on myself, to the point of some disconnect. After all, we are all children of good and I like the alternative ways to respect the joys for life to some extent and understand that a piece of good is in me and what makes me happy cant be all divided between heaven and hell, or that if I did, life was not going to be all wonderful overnight to replace the goods that aren´t all right to the ruçes, but don´t feel all wrong to me just yet. I think itt´s fair to understand that change is gradual and it´s ok to sometimes be really excited and rigid and then take some steps back to a more levelled or more flexible approach. Too soon, too much are good ingredients to a toxic relationship, ehatever nature it has....gradual is good. And doesn´t need neglect of self and neither self indulgence, just letting the line of self a little more loose before fencing it so harshly that there seems to be no room to breath almost. There is something real healthy to be said about MIDDLEGROUND, and something really sick into EXTREMES and that is in any relationship...with things, people, faith, etc etc. HOWEVER amongst other things...helps to KEEP me sane and level headed in the midst of chaos and the lows or some outside influences seeking to get a good piece of me. Helps from making that take the best of me and leaving me to my worst. More like a new soft place to fall to be in prayers instead of being so tough on MYSELF.