Hello.

So now, after a few weeks of first started with this process of cleaning my soul of hurt, hate and denial, I have gone through some lot of thinking and investigation about my grandmother's death.

Today, I would like to share it, and put into words what I feel and my reactions to the info that I got.

First of all, fort the first time in my life, I got the balls to ask my dare cousin why did my grandmother died. As I said before, I blocked all memories form her death, and I really never knew why she died until now. So she said that my grandmother died from a infection that surrounded her whole body and basically killed her in about 2 days. I know that she had cancer, however, she did not died because of it. So apparently, she was at my mothers home, and she was not feeling very well. then they took her to the hospital, and she got the infection there, and because of medical negligence and poor care, she died. So, since she didn't have the correct treatment, the infection went all over her system and killed her in 2 days. 

They said that my grandmother started felling very sick on Saturday and then she died on Monday. So, I am guessing that is why my mind could never process such a quick notice, and my brain just shut down becoming a denial being.

She died on August 16th 2010 at about 8:10am.  

Now, I been also talking to my mother more freely- before I would just said: I don't care anything about her, I don't want to talk about her. So I guess this is good.

At night when I go to bed, I always think of her; and I think that somehow I will see her again.

And this feeling is so conflicting because I really don't believe in a heaven, but at the same time, I would love to do it, just for the fact to know that we will be together again. Like we did before- not in another form or shape- if you know what I mean. I just want to hug her once again, and put my arms around her huge stomach, and smell her smell, and just feel her presence.

Is so weird that my brain cannot picture her in my mind. When I try to remember her is so hard so her in my mind... is almost impossible. And actually when I see pictures of her, I cannot recognize her. Is like I can just stare at her for a while but not fully connect with her.

Last week my aunt called and said that someone we know had died. I was shocked because I just can never understand death, but I was in more shocked because she said to me: he died from the same thing that your grandmother died. I just sat there and thought. It was so weird listening that and actually accepting it. I remember the conversation with my cousin and I realized that my grandmother is not the only victim that died because of the doctor's stupidity- or lack of experience- or careless- or just mistake. And I thought that we are definitely so week as humans. We will all die, and there is no doctor that will be able to save us all when is time for us to leave.   

But, then, I go back to the same question before: who, what or when is decided that we are going to die? Where are we going afterwards? is there another life? will I be able so see them again? what is the ultimate point of life if we will die? why being good or bad?  

I wish I could say to her how much I love her and miss her. I wish I could tell her that I very sorry because I didn't do enough to bring her with me- like I did with my husbands grandparents. I should have forced everything and everybody, so I would have regrets like now. I wish I would have brought her with me for a while, and just enjoy her even more. I wish I could just saw her when she was at the hospital and be with her, for her. I wish she never died; I wish my dream of being with her would have been real. I wish she could see me marrying, graduating, having babies, being successful.  I wish I could still have that love inside me. I wish I could feel excitement when I go and visit my family, or when I call, or when I make plans for the future. I wish I would have never leave her, and just enjoyed her.     

Then, on Sunday, me, my husband and my mother were in the car on our way somewhere, and I said to her: Look that RB; that is the one we want and the one that we will buy when we retire. So my mom said, when you retire? and I said "yes". Immediately after that, she said, Oh well, I will not be here in this word to see that, I will be long gone, and very death.  So I just stayed quiet and thoughtful- I realized that my grandmother was the first one to died- but after her, I will have to experience the fact that I will lose them all. My aunts, cousins, uncles, friends, dad and mom, my dogs, and hopefully not- my husband.  

And I guess this is the worst feeling ever; the worst fact; the worst nightmare. And I don't think I am prepare to handle so much death and despair. And I don't think I can do it myself- is like my interior is asking me to seek for help- for something else that can full me with love, compassion, and understanding. Is like my body, soul and heart are tired of fighting alone against reality. I just hope I don't lose this feeling, and just stay with me. I just hope that I can find the answers and the true love. I hope that he/she finds me, and never leaves me again. because is so much fear, pain, hate, selfishness, concussion and frustration, I don't think I can bare it for too long. I just hope I can be stronger and be ready for the future, and be able to love my family, friends, and enemies as much as possible so I never have any regrets when they leave this world. I just hope, I can understand life without having to die. I just hope that I can forgive myself and other, and I can finally find my happiness in the simplest things of life.

Thank you.