In the immediate aftermath of Cheryl passing, I was calling family and friends to let them know what happened and what the funeral plans were.  My son heard me during these conversations and at some point said, "I wonder if I should call Randy?"  I did not know anyone named Randy, so I asked him who Randy was, he told me he was, "a friend from the bar".

So I immediately started trying to learn more about Randy.  I had looked previously at my wife's cell phone trying to figure out what happened that night and nothing stood out at the time, but now something clicked.  There had been a text conversation with someone with no ID in the phone about meeting the night Cheryl died for crab cakes. I assumed it was with a woman from the beauty parlor because later in that same conversation Cheryl said she could not go shopping that week and would have to put it off until next Friday.  I decided to call the unknown number, a dude answered, it was Randy.  I spoke briefly to Randy and was blunt.  I asked him if was having an affair with Cheryl, he said no, and I hung up.

I started asking my son more about this individual, probably too many questions because it was upsetting to my son.  But I had to know.  I learned Randy had been hanging out with my wife and son in the bar for about 3 months. Realize I did not know my wife drinking again let alone hanging out in bars with other men.  I asked my son if they were kissing in the bar, he said No.  I asked if they were putting their arms around each other, he said yes after drinking.  I learned Randy, Cheryl and my son smoked marijuana outside the bar.  I learned Randy sold marijuana to Cheryl, which I later found in her bedroom.   I learned that at least one time Cheryl left my son, who is mentally handicapped, alone in the bar while she, "drove Randy to Walmart". Randy did not drive.

I then started Google searches for this Randy. I knew the phone number so I did searches for the phone number and found a last name and address.  I then Googled the name and address and learned more about Randy.  Randy had a criminal record and had been arrested and convicted of burglary and related crimes when he was younger.  Randy did prison time in the late 80's.  Randy had been arrested for assaulting a woman a few years ago.  Randy was a piece of work and my wife had at least befriended this person.

My son told me Randy did not have a job.  So apparently Cheryl was funding the evenings in the bar as well as a customer for his marijuana business.  Cheryl was overly generous when she liked you, and to be blunt.  When Cheryl drank she became overly affectionate/horny.  

I new Randy's address and drove by his home.  It was a dilapidated house, and actually it is his mothers house.  He is a 49 year old man that lives with his mother.  The yard was overgrown with a rusted vehicle in it that obviously did not run.  

The night of Cheryl's viewing at the funeral home, I was speaking with my father in law when I saw someone talking with my son I did not know.  I went over and my son said it was Randy.  Randy was wearing a poorly fitting cheap suit, Randy reeked of cigarettes, and appeared to not have had a haircut for many months.

I immediately told Randy to leave.  He resisted saying here was here for my son.  The argument became more heated but I convinced him to leave in short order.  

I have had no more contact with Randy since that night at the funeral home and hopefully I never will.  I don't know why my wife took her life that night in March, but I believe that whatever this relationship was with Randy it was a factor.  

I hate Randy.  I hate that this nefarious individual had any contact with my family.  I hate the thoughts that play in my head of what the relationship between Randy and Cheryl was.  I hate this scumbag was there and actively encouraging the alcoholic that Cheryl was and more.   I hate that he was the last man Cheryl she saw sober before she died.  I hate that Randy continues to exist on this Earth while Cheryl is gone (I will not try to change this, but it is the truth of how I feel).  

Let me say first that I never abused Cheryl.  Yet I have a scenario that plays in my head after learning Randy had assaulted at least one woman, where Randy had beaten up Cheryl.  Not badly enough to permanently cause harm to her, but enough to scare her straight.  Something that was done publicly where the police were notified, and she could not hide from me.  And she actually felt contrite for her actions and made positive changes in her life as a result.  But that never happened.

And with all of this and more that I have learned, I miss Cheryl dearly.  The loneliness, the void, the emptiness in my soul are devastating.  

I have told my therapist everything and she says I have complicated grief.  She tells me I just have to let these things I have learned go, "you can't change it."  Yet I spin in my head the fairy tail scenarios where Cheryl doesn't die and we get through the problems and live happily ever after.  

I know deep down the fairy tale ending was just that.  Something  that was never going to happen.  My nephew spins some pretty bad scenarios of what could have happened countering any of my fairy tails and his are probably more likely.  His involve drunk driving with horrific outcomes for not just Cheryl but my son and others.  

I hope spitting this out on the virtual paper of the web helps get it out of my head.  It has dominated too many minutes of my life already.  I really do need to let it go.  It serves no purpose aside from causing me pain.  

That's enough for today, I need to do something positive.

Mark