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Comment by Amanda A. on December 1, 2011 at 2:42am

Melissa, I had a similar experience, my mom went on Hospice care and within 3 weeks she had passed. We took care of her at home until she went into a comma and we felt we could not longer give her the best care, so we had her transported to Hospice, they were so wonderful there and they took really good care of her in her last days. she was there 3 days in the comma and passed. I was always the one that bathed her and I made sure that she was always clean, lotioned and comfortable, they recongnized that at hospice and always kept me involved in that process. I had brought her special lotion with us,and they used it after cleaning her, I took that home with me and now I use it everyday , I love the smell of it, It reminds me of my mom. not sure what I will do when it runs out..LOL  My mother was also very concerned about me, my sister and dad too. She was always thinking about how this was effecting us. Sometimes she would say I am sorry, and I would tell her. Mom dont ever appologize for being sick with cancer, it is a blessing to me to be able to take care of you. Sounds like you had a really wonderful mom too.. thanks and when I can figure out how, I will accept the friends request, I am new on here.LOL

 

Comment by Melissa Broome on December 1, 2011 at 1:41am

Amanda,

All these feelings your having I'm having them too. I replay my moms last days in my mind over and over I wish I could stop. But I can't we went from her being sick to dying so fast. I didn't have time to process it. When we brought her home after her leg surgery..She was only with us a month. I'm not sure how she was feeling about death..Be cause she was only coherent for 9 days. I honestly think she didn't talk to me about it because she knew I would have trouble dealing with this. When we found out she had cancer. She was more worried about how I would take it..Then anyone else..She was sick and dying and still trying to protect me. I'm not as fragile as we thought though. So I wish I was able to talk to her about how she was feeling.I tried comforting but I think it was just to hard for her to talk openly about it. I am much stronger then I thought. I miss her so much..I lay awake at night thinking about her and I end up crying or wake myself up crying in my sleep. I hate that she had to suffer so much. It's not fair. anyways take care

Melissa

 

Comment by Amanda A. on December 1, 2011 at 1:29am

Thank you everyone for the kind words. I hate that we have this in "common" because it sucks for all of us, but I am so glad to read that I am not the only person who has mornings where they dont want to get out of bed. Over thanksgiving I made a dessert that my mom always made sooo good. I was holding the ingredients in my hand and I broke down, I cried so hard just thinking about her standing in the kitchen making it. I cant quit thinking about her final days and how sad that makes me feel. Why am I focused on those days? Why not the years and years of happy memories I have with her and how she was my best friend? Why am I always focused on her laying there taking her last breaths? I keep playing it over and over in my head like a broken record. I will never forget the feeling and the look on her face when the Dr told her that he could no longer help her and that we needed to call Hospice Care. She just looked so sad and distant, like she was thinking in her head that this was it. What must she have felt like? I wanted to curl up in her arms and tell her it was ok, but I knew that the end had finally come and I could do nothing but feel blank and scared. I was so scared for her, wondering if she was scared too? She was so brave, she knew that she was going to live with Our Lord in Heaven, and I know that she is dancing on the streets of gold right now, but I was still so scared. Death to me is scary PERIOD. I am and have been a christian all my life and I know where I am going when I pass, I know that I will see her again, but I guess the whole letting go is just frightning to me... I miss her so much, I have physical pain in my heart, sometimes I feel like its going to pop. I am sure that you all have felt this pain, its so overwhelming, it just takes your breath away.. We are still waiting for the cemetary to place her marker down, they have had it for a month now and have yet to put it in, I have called and went off on them, now I guess we will have to talk to an attorney, this is just such added crap that we dont need. I just want to go there and bring my mom some pretty flowers, that is all, I just want her to have flowers.. I cant stand to go there and see her unmarked grave, it makes me physically sick.. Oh gosh, I feel like such a mess.. I feel sometimes like I am losing my mind. I am so glad to have this outreach, it makes me feel normal again.. we all need that!

Comment by Melissa Broome on November 29, 2011 at 3:29am

We have alot in common My mom Passed April 7th 2011 with Colan cancer stage 4 spread to all her organs and bones. I lost her a month b4 I turned 30. I also have 3 small children 7,4,1. I'm lost without my mom. I feel a hole in my heart no one can fill. A void in my life. Please can someone wake me up from this motherless hell I find myself in?!?! I miss her with all my heart..I try to stay positive But it's so hard. I know she would not want me to be unhappy without her..But how can I be happy without her. in turn my life sucks...I try to do the best I can for my children..But some days I don't even want get out of bed.

Comment by Jaime on November 27, 2011 at 2:08pm

I'm really sorry for the loss of your mom.  I was also 31 when I lost my mom to cancer as well.  I can relate to feeling like a little kid who has just been left behind.  It certainly feels that way with me sometimes, even a couple of years later.  I'm trying to move on the best I can but I'm not sure I'm doing such a good job.  Sometimes I think I'm doing ok and then I have nights like last night and of course, this morning, and now I feel lost and really confused.  I don't know who I can even turn to anymore because in on breath, some folks will say they're there for you and then when you do try to open up, you get told you're playing the victim card.  So I dunno.  I'm hoping that by coming HERE, folks will already know what this is like.  And from what I've seen so far, everyone has been incredibly supportive of one another.  Lots of love and support here, that's for sure.  :)