4-30-15 Morning

I woke up today with less anxiety, but it is only supplanted with the deep longing for my wife.  She was almost always happy in the morning, I long to see her smile at me again when I wake up, and I never will.  Anything and everything triggers the longing.  I can't look at myself in the mirror without thinking of her.  I am 53 years old, I met my wife when I was 22, we were together for 31 years, how can the void be healed? 

Perhaps the reason mornings are so rough for me is that she was my ray of sunshine in the morning.  I look out the window of my bedroom and see blue skies and a dogwood tree bloom, but it manifests in my mind as a gloomy day in Mordor.  

Other thoughts going through my head, everyone says it takes time, that's frightening.  The pain seems as if has been going on an eternity and it has been only 48 days, to imagine another year or years at this level of discomfort is truly terrifying. 

Time to face the day.

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Comment by kathleen akin on April 30, 2015 at 4:39pm

Mark. I just read this and your comment about feeling bad in the morning. I went through a divorce from a long marriage to my kid's dad. Mornings are so weird in how bad you feel. I don't know why. It was so like that for me.

I'm remarried to someone I REALLY should have had my kids with, my actual soul mate. He is dying of liver cancer. I know what I'm heading into emotionally and it's going to be worse than what I did before. And I'm afraid.

Do you ever feel like suddenly you don't belong on this planet? like you have something stamped on you that makes it all strange, you feel you are not part of the people around you? I went through that before. I don't want to do it again.

I found happiness again after my divorce, but I was young then, had kids who needed me then. Now they are gone and when my husband goes, I will have no one who needs me.

You know what I found out? The term "heart ache" Your heart actually does ache! I felt like I should be walking around all bent over from the pain and ache that was in my chest.

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