OMG where did that time go!?!

Met with a few friends from work to eat lunch. Made some tough decisions this last week, and got a couple of good grades in school. Glad today was not a yesterday. I miss my Michael.

After my father in law passed away July 2010 I became personally aware that people truly had a tremendous need for comfort and a solid hope.  I find most people think that they have faith and hope but when they really need both there is a huge hole.  My husband, daughters, son, Mother in Law and extended family all reacted differently.  I never knew that there could be a physical reaction - I got so sick - it was like a virus for about 3 days...



When the final call came it was…

My trip out to see my mom and sis for thanksgiving was a turning point. Flying out there, I was stressed out, as always. First major holiday without my daddy sitting at the head of the table. And as always I'm stressed and worried about my family. But it was actually great. I'm busy getting food, cleaning the house, making dinner, and they're so excited for Thanksgiving. Decorating the tree, the house. We laugh and have a great time, and while he's always on my mind, it doesn't seem to come…

I feel like someone turned my binoculars backwards and I am looking at a little bitty world but I know it's a really big world, and it is not the same. I feel kind of disjointed, sad, mad, out of sorts, and impatient all at once. I miss Michael! Often I have not so nice names for him because I think he was a jerk for leaving me like he did... then I feel guilty... and all of this grief comes over me and I just manage to say bad day to everyone who asks.

I can't sleep. I miss you so much. It seems so unfair that you are not here. It has not even been a month. I have trouble breathing sometimes and can't see myself doing this without you. I close my eyes and hear your last moments. I feel like a chunk of ice that is begining to thaw out. I was so cold and numb at first, but now little things chip away at that cold numbness and it feels like a kick in my stomach. I have no one to talk to. No one here gets this pain. They all say, "You have to…

Today we went to Precious Moments, and all around me was living color, but the one thing that kept hitting me was the word GONE. Earlier today it was SAD. I miss you and I want your warmth and your arms and I can't have them. I can't talk to you and I don't hear you say "Honey Baby" anymore. My bed is empty and cold and my heart feels like it's been glued shut. I miss you Michael.…

The first Christmas without my mom someone sent me this poem and ornament and it gave me a little comfort, hope it gives some a little comfort.

Merry Christmas From Heaven

I still hear the songs

I still see the lights

I still feel you love on

Cold wintery nights

I still share your hopes

and all your cares

I'll even remind you

to please say your prayers

I just want to tell you

you still make me proud

you stand…

It was my quilt guild Christmas party tonight.  It has been quilters only for as long as I have been a member so I thought I could handle it since it wasnt something I had done with my husband in the past.  Oh how foolish of me.  There was a member whose dad has been diagnosed terminal and this will be their last Christmas as a family.  And I thought, oh how I wish we could have had one more Christmas, what a gift that would have been.  One table of ladies was talking about how wonderful it…

God looked around his garden

And He found an empty place

He then looked down upon this earth

And saw your loving face.

He put His arms around you

And lifted you to rest

God's garden must be beautiful

He always takes the best.

He knew that you were suffering

He knew you were in pain

He knew that you would never

Get well on earth again.

He saw that the road was getting…

Ok, I am feeling the christmas depression right now. The last few days I have been moping around, sleeping as much as I can, not wanting to leave the house. I have not purchased the first gift or even went shopping. I am trying sooooo hard not to make this a sad time for my kids, but I am so sad right now. How is everyone else doing with the upcoming Holiday?

"When you go through the tumbler of life, you come out crushed or polished."

-- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (1981)

Winter's so decorative and colorful.

The frost designs on the house windows.

Branches of trees and bushes coated in white.

Icicles dripping water from the sun's warmth.

Christmas lights in various colors almost appear psychedelic at night.

You get so cold your skin changes colors.

And your dogs color your snow covered lawn in yellow.

- Michael

Really stressed. A month ago, my attorney said to get the house on the market asap. I am one person trying to do it all. House & car have to go through probate before I can sell them. I'm so tired of this. All I want is a job & a simple life. People are hesitant to hire me because of my age, two years unemployed/being a full time caretaker. No income, no life insurance, & the bill collectors are calling. I'm worried that I will be out on the street. Happy Holidays to me.…

I took 2 grandsons to our local boys hockey game tonight.  My granddaughter was working at it and we were having a sleepover anyway so it was logical to go.  It was a good game, home team won, hurray!  But someone was so evidently missing from the seat beside me.  Oh how it hurts to be doing these things without him.  The grandsons should have had their Papa there cheering as loudly as they were or as he was prone to do, cheering for the opposing team just to get a rise out of them.  I know…

Today it snowed here in Omaha, I was walking on a snow covered asphalt trail, and when I stopped to look behind me, I saw about 100 or so of my footprints...I thought, those are in the past.  I looked down at my feet and then along the path ahead of me, and it was pure white, no prints at all.  That path, that pure one is the now and future, the one behind me is the past, I said to myself.  So, i just kept on going, thinking about how far I have come from bad grief and into better grief.  We…

Well I haven't been on here for a long time.can't belive she is gone.I feel sick to my stomach alot and depressed but continue to put 1 foot in front of the other. I do go to support groups with my husband at Hospice.That also helps but I fell nothing will ever take away the saddness I have in my heart..

I am becoming to realize that its just the "two" of us.

Yesterday, I took my son to the park. I got him on a swing when a couple (mother & father) along with their baby approached me and got their baby on the other swing. I am pushing my son and they are pushing theirs. They are all laughing and enjoying each other and their baby. I felt so lonely and uncomfortable. I realized that now it was just my son and myself. No more of my husband, No more Dad to my son. It felt like an…

Sunrise doesn't last all morning