It was just 5 years ago, today, that we met. I was 50 years old back then. Now, it's been 9 months since I lost him. A refrain keeps running through my head: I got cheated.

I understand what stood in the way . . . at least, as much as I can. God's heard me gripe about it and, still, I recognize some of the factors that came into play and I don't blame God. In some ways, that stinks. I wish I had some 'bad guy' to point a finger at. Unfortunately, it just is what it…

I know I need to.. I can feel it in me. It just will not come out and I just do not know why. I am so angry at life right now. I want to scream! This is a cleansing thing, screaming but crying is a touch better for several reasons.. So mixed right now..ugh

Ok so here is the thing, when my mom went into a coma on the second day, her dad, sister, brother, and mother was ready to pull the plug and not give her a chance to survive. Since my mom has been gone, I haven't heard from any of them except my grandmother. My point is, is that my stepdad is so mad at her sister(can't stand her) and only her. Now I am mad at all of them but wondering why I get so mad when he talks about her..he says that she got into our business when she shouldn't have,…

my dad used to all wayz say that no body is perfect that we all make mistaks in life he woz all ways holding on at the last minit to get medical help i tak after him for tht like father like dorter made mistaks to my dad used to make mistakess i no a few yrs ago i did sumthnk very silly making sure my dad woz ok went to crush cans for the resycal bin but i went and got my foot cort in the can crusher wish i no woz very silly wen people used to judge me or any body else he wud tell them yore…

I havent been coming here very often as of late.

I've been immersing myself in my online game that I've played for years more and more ..especially now since an expansion just came out. It's easier not to think about anything in real life when theres many things to focus on there.

It makes me feel numb. I like numb.

I still think of my father every day it seems, he passes thru my thoughts, but I havent cried in a week or so. 

Today I…

My mom was great!

 My mom was the kind of person that no matter who, what , where or when you were, came from or what We are all people. She was the kind of person that tried so many jobs i can say my mom did that. She was funny, smart and made friends easily but didn't like to because then they would either move away or pass away and she couldnt…

Sometimes I think of finding a support group of real live people. I go see a worthless psychologist.Does he help me through the grief ,I don,t know. I escape as much as possible from my feelings.I think I have a plan but I really don,t . Since her death I put my self in overdrive(so to speak)assigning myself all the duties I would think you do when your wife's dies. So its like driving thru total darkness thinking there is a destination but you never reach (at least not yet)Its hard very…

    Tomorrow it will be 2 years since M died.

    I honestly don't know what I'm feeling. Relief? Regret? There is a sense of sadness there.

    My anxiety has been so high as this day approaches. I keep having flashbacks to the moment I found him. To the feelings I felt when I realized…

I had a tough night last night.  Could not sleep, very restless.  Sometimes I think I have a plan and can get through this, other days I don't know if I am coming or going.  I feel like running, running as fast as i can to get away from my feelings, hopping the next plane to nowhere.  One day I have a handle on things and the next day the handle broke off. I suppose I still have a long way to go to get thru the grieving process.  I never dreamed it would be so hard.  My husband still opened…

Thank God that I've been able to reach out to people and realize that I need to not let the grief consume me. It's like this, I say oh this can't get any worse but deep inside I am thinking it will get worse. If I'm in the mindset of it's only going to get worse.  Guess what, it's only going to get worse. There's a term used in psychology called the self fulfilling prophecy. It's the idea that we will fulfil our beliefs about oursleves. We say, the pain is going to get worse" It will. We say…

I have 2 daughters,  one lives in Minnesota and the other in the sunshine state, Florida.  For 2 years my husband and I dreamed of moving to Florida.  Last summer we got really serious about making the move. Wow! we were really going to do it. We started packing what we wanted to take and gave everything else to the salvation army. We didn't bring alot cause we were going to start over, new journey, new life.  MARCH 2012.  We sold our house in Indiana and headed for Florida March 18, 2012. …

evry tim i sea that advert i thnk  of my dad c  o p d but the post mortem 3 difrent repoerts wish i dont whis 1 is the rithet 1 and seaing the person on the oxygain tank reminds me of my dad it duze bean short of breath is a early sinn it is go to the dr i no i shud go more often i get wong off the dr for not cuming early but  i all ways say i dont want to waste yore time but he sa he says im not wasting his time my dad woz the same wud rather hold on and fite him self then sea the dr but in…

I am in a deep sadness with this grief. I'll admit I've been so depressed before my mom's passing, due to Bipolar. I was so depressed that I was hospitalized for it 3 times. Boy, I thought that that depression was deep. I had never really experienced grief at that time. I was 14. I am now 23. The pain in insermountable! I have never been this deeply saddned. I had seperation anxiety from my mother when I was little. I would cry when she went out. I would be scared thinking she would never…

I took my blood pressure pill ugh dizzy light headed:

The loss hits home when a loved one is taken off bank accounts,what about driver lic renewal Oh Social security stops the checks. Well you get the idea I mourn the loss of my wife awful flashbacks. Umm sadness

It took me a while to give some of her clothes to Goodwill. I got  myself to toss some food in the garbage she bought.Oh it was good she feed me well.I had a weight gain since she passed (working on losing it)I just…

It's been almost eight months since my mom has been gone and I'm no where near finding peace within myself, in fact, most days I feel worse. I thought in time, I would be able to cope better, remember the memories, and move forward, but sadly this hasn't been the case. I have hit an emotional block, where nothing can get in and I can't release the pain I feel within. I'm trapped by my own feelings..I've tried to make sense of it but can't! It seems that I'm living on a rollercoaster; I'm up…

I lost my father on August 27, 2012. He was 65 years young. He passed from secondary complications from surgery.

He went into the hospital on August 15, 2012 for a Whipple procedure. They found pancreatic cancer and took the head of the pancreas and his gallbladder. The doctors told him he would probably be in the 5% that beat pancreatic cancer. I saw him the following weekend. He was up walking around, talking and laughing. A week and a half later, a Friday night, his heart…

Alot of people expresse there thoughts about a losing a love one that in my case I try to push out of my mind.Does it make it worse I don,t know .I was in he bath and had a flashback about my wife in the critical care which has the effect of smothering me in sadness.I pull myself out of it.Its been 4 months ,I still full the hold on me from out marriage.Its ironic I got our old van inspected and left our focas in the driveway.When I come back home I still feel that emotional pull of seeing…

Well it has been 3 weeks since Steven passed. I am no closer to moving on then the day he was taken off life support. Today is bad because it is his birthday. I have to stay strong because of my other children, but truth be told I am weak. I am not the strong person everyone accuses me of being. And I am so tired of hearing" You are the strongest person I know" it makes me feel like a fraud. Steven was the strong one. When the accident happened on New Year's Eve of 2003 we thought he would…

It is so hard day to day . I think about my beautiful mom and wonder why did this even happen to her. we should not question things like this but sometimes that is all we have. I miss her terribly and can't stand the fact that I can no longer speak to her or see her. I feel bad for everyone experiencing a loss. It is so hard to just go on and try to function. My mom and I were the best of friends. no one will ever come close to her and her understanding. I feel so empty and lonely even…

I have been watching Criminal Minds and The Big Bang Theory to distract myself because if I don't, I think about my mom 24/7..I think about ending it all, all the time, but some days are worse than others. I know my mom would want me to be happy because that's all she ever wanted but the feeling in my heart and soul is just too great at times. I don't know how to have a life without her!!:'(

Sleep was the only thing that I looked forward to because atleast my mind would stop thinking…