I don't understand any of this any more. I raised four children on my own. Now twoof them are gone I don't why i haven't drowned in tears. then it is how I think of nobody but myself. I know I have to move forward. Thats easior said then done. my boyfriend moved out,  He had cancer surgery 6 weeks after derek died.  The doctor has given me alot of pills to help cope with all this. Its a tool not a cure. to bad it isn't a magic cure and take all the hurt away. I honestly think I have lost my…

God in my hoping, there in my dreaming..God in my watching, God in my waiting..God in my laughing, there in my weeping..God in my hurting, God in my healing

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Why did GOD have this fate for me? Why did GOD leave me to be alone? Did he think I did not need anybody and that I can make it on my own? Why? I feel so lost and distraught that I can't function? I know its been seven months but thats seven extremely hurtful months and those hurful months will turn into hurtful years. So why would GOD want me to hurt so long? Was it something I did? Was it something I did not appreciate? I don't know! I am 26 years old and scared as hell as what life has to…

I contacted a Medium the other day through email. He only wanted the whole name and nothing more, and he gave me so much information and helped me somewhat with 'closure.' What has kept me back, is I didn't know if mom forgave me for the things that I did, and I didn't know if she knew that I loved her! She forgives me and knows that I loved her regardless of the big 'ups and downs' that we had and told me not to beat myself up for the past, we make mistakes and learn from them! I know it…

I am so very new to this kind of communication.                 It seems easier than to see people - in person that is.      Deal with  "the face". Oh, I am sooo sorry, The standard greeting it seems.  I know that they are trying to be kind... suppotive...but really !  

My faith is strong - thank goodness - I do belive, and hold as truth,  that everything happens just as it should....              even if I don't like it. 

 It's still hard.. . . so very hard !

There are…

Since Saturday my get up and go got up and went.Iam getting alot of flashbacks that take longer to get out of my mind about my wife dying.I have made made a fair amount of progress towards living independently.Its hard as anyone here can tell you. Iam sure everyone goes thru this in different way. I was thinking there is no real cure for grief. I mean take some anti grief pills,grief rehab et etc .  Ever since she died I have pushed her death out of my mind (no not all the way) Grief takes…

When my Dad passed from brain cancer...it took about 3 years to stop the barrage of nightmares, in which I was constantly looking after him, trying to keep him from falling etc as he was so dizzy and unstable on his feet before being totally bedridden. Now I am assailed by the most horrendous nightmares again...the worst ones being where Peter is being kept alive somewhere and being experimented on, and when I finally get to him, he is so relieved that I have come to rescue him, he is…

if god and the devil are not twins are they man and wife is god man or woman or is the devil man woman i no ther is a lot of tark abot god on hear and difrent relinges is ther 1 god or is ther more thn 1 god and r they all relatd to each otheris evry 1 ther great grand childrn i hope i dont ofend any 1 for this…

Up all night...

Up all night thinking of you

Up all night shedding tears for you

Up all night missing you

Up all night wanting you

Up all night looking at photos of you

Up all night, remembering how you loved me in a special way

I need some sleep, because my head hurts

My eyes are puffy

My eyes are tired

The sun is about to rise.

But... I'm up all night.

It has been raining a lot this past week. Too much even. Rather this than a drought. Am so blessed to have a home and warm clothes and food etc. Also that my home is not flooded like so many are! In fact I am very blessed in so many ways. I am not in hospital, have a fully functioning body....yes, I can count my blessings and name them one by one and see what God has done, and never get to the end of it.

I have read in Plato and Cicero sayings that are very wise and very beautiful; but I never read in either of them: "Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden." --Augustine

I accept what happened. Why *not* me/us in this fallen, cruel world of suffering. Futile to question. Profits nothing. It's never going to be okay. We are all going to die. Please forgive me in advance if I make things worse for anyone. 

How can a man so kind hearted and loving leave us so quickly. At far too young an age my brother was murdered.  The bad part is that he was murdered at his birthday party.  There are so many details I should mention but they are hard to say...I need help finding closure.  I feel guilty for not hanging out with him more.  I feel like he can't be in heaven...even though he was the kindest of all he was previously tied into harmful drug addictions and forgot his family.  It wasn't until he was…

some days i nead a good kick up the behind do i nead to sea a dr anser probely yes but do i go no why coz im scared in case i get admited to hosptile why am i scared coz i have this silly idda  in my hed if i do get admitet u dont come out there alive i shud relize my cuzens husband he cum out there alive and his fithing canser  my mum keaps on saying my breathing is geting worse go and sea a dr and like father like dorter i…

My fiance/bf passed away April 27, 2012.  I miss him everyday and I think of him everyday.   I have been home sick with the flu and I remember how he use to care for me when I was under the weather.  No I am in our bed, sick and alone.  I keep crying.   I miss him so much. I wish I could have him back but the sad reality is he is never coming back to me and he will never make chicken noodle soup for me again.

A poem for him:

time has passed

and Yet I miss you as if…

So if you hear that one year is the magic date, I'm here to tell you that has not been my experience. If anything I find things harder than they were before. There are days I feel crazy. Okay one minute, a train wreck the next minute. Buckets of tears and a lot of pain. I miss Michael so badly and my heart feels like it has been broken all over again, or that that the healing that had begun was ripped…

I read everyones posts on here, and alot of people are just wraught with pain and sadness months, years after their loved one passes. I find for me, that my sadness comes and goes in spurts. It makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. I think about my father often...but only when I see pictures or think of his upcoming death anniversary is when I cry...as I write this I have tears streaming down my face because I just happened to look at his picture on my facebook. I guess in a…