how can a mom go on with out her only child? how can my heart still beat, when its so broken?  how can my sisters go on like nothings happened? how do they not see im dieing inside? so many answers ill never get. I only want one thing just one thing one wish, to be with shawn, to hold him in my arms, kiss him and never ever let him go. today in months I saw a bunny again, I know he sent it to me, I know in my heart hes never left me, but I need so bad to dream of him, I need to know hes…

October Night

Will you remember the day we met?October night, in our disguise. How we flirted, danced, your hands on my thighs. Your eyes shined, we laughed. "What will we do with this chemistry" you said. Put it in a kiss! save it…

I miss you more everyday, I want so bad to touch your face to kiss you.  im so lonely without you. I cant remember what its like not to cry any more.  a few days ago a bunch of purple daisys sprung up on the front lawn, I know you sent them to me, there beautiful. there are times it hurts to breathe, and everyday day my heart hurts. im begging you with everything I have left to take my hand and take me with you. I cant do this without you, my love my son. my reason for living. please shawn I…

The Grief Journey-What To Pack

My brother of 67 years lost his partner J last week.

They had been together for 30 years and had a civil partnership.

It seems there is very little literature on gay bereavement and also on how best to support LGBT population.

I know my brother is a 'sturdy oak' type no 'sissy stuff' and doesn't allow his emotions to show at all.  I belief this is a trait he has adapted from my mother.

I go to pieces and cry when upset for normal good reasons and wonder if anyone…

It must be the holidays, because she expired just after Halloween, I still can't make myself mention the 'D' word as in someone's life ending. But every video , every song she and I listened to reminds me of her. I lose control of my emotions, involuntarily, when hearing certain songs as "One more night", "Last Kiss", "Because you loved me" , and "Wind beneath my wings".

No one can ever imagine the feeling of losing someone , even though they are laying right in front of you with…

oh shawn I miss you so bad, my heart is so broken, I feel I just cant do this any more, it hurts so much. today I had to write out a  beautiful piece to put in the paper, oh god how I cryed. it took everything I had to hold it together when I handed it to her to put in the paper. its just not real, I feel you will come home to me, I just keep waiting. please baby let me hear  MOM again, let me hear  I LOVE YOU  again please. im waiting for you and always will. we will be together soon I…

my doctor told us, if the heart dr had called 911 shawn would have had a chance, instead of sending him home. oh god I want that dr to die, he killed my son, I cryed  so hard it was hard to breathe. how could a dr be so stupid, heartless an  ass hole. he took away the one chance my baby had,  I pray he loses everything in his life he loves, I want him to feel my pain, my broken heart.  I hate him  so much,  please shawn forgive me, I never thought I could hate like I am now.  I need you…

today my doctor is coming to talk to me, I have not seen her in almost a year. shes coming to talk about shawn and why. I went to see shawn earlier this morning and asked him and mom to be by my side, I just cant do this with out him. dear god help me through this morning.  please shawn I need you with me, I beg you to be here. im  afraid to hear it.  I cant stop crying and my broken heart is pounding so hard. my legs feel like rubber. don't leave me shawn, please be by my side please.  love…

Please take a moment to view my blog - it will help give a new perspective on grieving.

I have written this from the heart to give renewed hope to all who miss their loved ones.

My Blog: http://e-mailfromheaven.com/

So my parents are gone. So when things get hard there's no one to say hey I need help or how do I fix this..when my best friend passed I thought great no one to say this is hard to.

I own a house I paid it off best 3 grand I've ever spent. Unfortunately my x who is also on the deed destroyed it and ran to a state where my parents are buried. It took me forever to fix his damage. Then my kid came back to live with me her dad is a trip constantly engaged or married I can't keep up but…

Hourglass!

I’m going to make it to the other side!

The souls surrounding heaven are beautiful untainted hearts. As I open my eyes they will escort me to your smile, the wait is all worthwhile.

The gate is an open door to a picturesque realm, I am humbled with the…

how do I get through my first thanks giving with out you, I miss you so much. if my tears could bring you home, you would be here by now. I don't sleep, I cant think any more, my only thoughts are of you. I loved and lived for you, now I just want to go with you. help me please get through another terrible holiday. love forever my baby    mom

Ste today I had to get the train to London. I couldn't help but compare my journey of grief with my journey on that train. 

I sat on the train among strangers. As soon as people get on the train they become lifeless.I feel unconscious without you -I feel my soul has been ripped from my being as if all hope is gone. 

No one shows any emotion they all avoid eye…

I know the title may not sound right but that is how I feel. I lost my son on 9/19/14 due to an overdose. We are not quite sure as of yet until the toxicology reports come back. 

For some reason, I feel that I should be grieving more than I have and been. Does that make sense? I don't know why I feel this way. Has anyone else been through this? It has only been 3 weeks. One…

today I sat by my son crying so hard, this weekend is my first thanks giving with out him, we don't celebrate any of them any more. there just another dam day. but at the same time its so hard and it hurts so bad. as I type this my tears are falling, oh god I need my shawn, I miss his smile, voice, his smell. I want so much to hear him call me  MOM, im so empty in side. how do I get through this weekend, and soon after nov 5 it will be a year, omg I cant do this, I cant go on with out him, I…

It's been a really tough few weeks. October is a bittersweet month. Bens anniversary, on the 7th. My 32nd wedding anniversary on the 9th, and the death of my sweet Lil Del on the 17th. I thought I could handle it all very well this year. Then I got sick. I figured it was bad, but I wasn't sure what was going on. I had some tests run, because I haven't been able to take in much food or liquids, and have been having awful pain in my abdomen. Well turns out I have a huge bleeding ulcer in the…

He died on May 29th of this year in Cuba, I was able to be by his side until his last day.

Yesterday I was suspended with pay from work as a result for a hearing I had in June of this year when I came back from Cuba after being a month out there.

I brought back all the proof they needed like a death certificate, plane ticket stubs, emails, but it looks like it wasn't enough and now I'm facing a future without a job. It seemed so ironic that they would send me home on what would…