Anger, is the theme of the night.

I have felt it at times but tonight it is filling me.  I am angry at my wife.  My wife chose to drink to excess that night and she chose to swallow a large amount of Xanax and Opana, and by doing so desert our family.  She chose to leave her son who is mentally handicapped, and certainly still needed her.  She chose to make  me a widower, she chose to hurt me more than I ever thought possible.  How cruel a choice, from the woman I loved for 31…

I could not fall asleep last night again.  I think it was nearly 4 am when I did doze off, and then I immediately started having an unpleasant dream.  All the details aren't necessary but it ended with something grabbing my arm and not letting go.  The next thing I know, I was yelling my wifes name for help, I was so loud I not only woke myself but my son too in his bedroom, quite unpleasant.  The only meaning that I can attach to it is the pervasive longing for my wife is rooted pretty…

Well I had just written about three paragraphs and my fingers slipped on the keyboard and it was all deleted, maybe the universe was just telling me that it stunk and wasn't worthy of the paper it was printed on.  So perhaps I should write something different.

It was a down and up day.  It did not start well, anxiety again.  I thought I would do basic chores today and stay away from obvious triggers.  I went out and bought a new lawn mower, nothing fancy,…

I am filled with anxiety right now.  Immediate worries and long term ones overwhelming me.  My back issues flaring up bad, right now.  Missing my wife so much, she was a nurse and always came to aid when health issues cropped up.  She always had a smile in the morning and never will I experience that again. I have no one to comfort me, and I need that so.  Why has the universe been so cruel?  My state needs to improve soon, I fear that it could warp my personality into something…

Well plan A continues to fail.  I have note woken from this bad dream yet.  Plan B also has been fruitless, my time machine still isn't working.  I currently have no plan C so I guess I will continue to write about my daily angst.

I saw my therapist again today, she's a good listener, but she seems to be running out of helpful advice.  I will continue to see her as long as I feel better when I leave.  

After that, I went home.  My oldest sister came over to pick…

So many emotions are running through my head this morning, the loneliness which is ironically becoming my constant companion, anger at my wife for deserting us, fear of how can I manage the future and care for my son without her.  All of them combining for a big anxiety cocktail to start the day.

My son is a large concern for me, he is a mentally challenged 19 year old young man. Many of my fears swirl around him.  Will I get him to a point of being able to live independently?…

I slept very poorly last night. I did not actually fall asleep until after 4:00 am this morning.  My phone rang at 9:00 am waking me.  It was the funeral director calling me to tell me my wife's death certificates came in.  So it was with mixed feelings I woke up.

I picked up the certificates and scanned down to the cause, it was listed as accidental, combined drug poisoning.  I knew it was the drugs & alcohol and was thankful the document did not list the cause as…

last night was the first time I had a dream in 16 months, and it was my son shawn. he came to me, he was wearing a white baseball shirt trimmed in red. he looked so nice and lost weight, and he still has his beautiful beard. oh that smile, on his face was so wonderful to see,  I ran so fast to him threw my arms around him. my baby came  to me he really did,when he starting walking away I yelled at him are you coming back,  I woke up to my t v  being turned on, I know shawn did that, I know…

I have never really liked to talk about it and I have never certainly wrote about it but my very first big loss was my sister. Her name was Claudia. Claudia was the youngest of 3. I was the oldest. She was energetic and very loving.

Claudia was only 4 years old when she passed away. I was 10 years old. The last memory I have of my sister is her having a seizure in our dads arms. Then the paramedics arrived to our house. They said her temperature was at 200 degrees. She was taken to…

I can't sleep.  It's 3:15 am in the morning here and I am mired in my thoughts.  I made the mistake of falling asleep on the sofa in the early evening and I think that brief nap is causing me problems now.

Today was spent going through more of my wife's things with my sister and nephew.  It was difficult.  One of the boxes we opened had some old photos of my wife from before she met me.  My wife had been briefly married before we met for about a year, and the photos I found…

I wonder just how long it will take me to wake up, and not have my thoughts immediately focus on missing my wife.    I can say not today.  

Perhaps writing this stuff every day will establish a timeline that others can look in the future.  I hope it has some positive use to others.

So here it is more than 7 weeks away from my wife.  The anxiety seems to be somewhat less than other days, feeling very lonely though.

I live out in the country with no…

Today I was busy for most of the day, and it helped.  

I may have written it here before, but my wife had accumulated a tremendous amount of things over the course of our marriage.  So now I have the task of making the house my and my sons house and that entails cleaning out her things.  I am saving photos and things with real sentimental value but that is small compared to the mountains of stuff that needs to go.  I do not want to live in a shrine.  I am not doing this to…

Intense longing for my Cheryl all day,  I have not been able to shake it.

I went for a few mile walk in the park with my son and lost it while there.  Then my son wanted some ice cream so we went by the shop in town that we like.  Adjacent to the ice cream shop is a consignment store that my sister had taken many of Cheryl's clothes.  I made the mistake of looking…

Well here I am again. It's morning and I am alone, contemplating my loss, longing, trying to stave off anxiety, trying to imagine a better future and think of something positive.

I was reading on anxiety last night, since it seems to be the most damaging to my psyche right now and found this on the Psychology Today…

It's May, perhaps this month will start an upturn for the better.

I woke this morning with anxiety hitting pretty bad, my mind went to some pretty dark places at that point.  I then started to read an article about the Dutch Tulip Bulb Bubble of the early 1600's and the wave of anxiety passed.  I need to remember that anxiety comes in waves and I was able to get out of it just by focusing on reading.  I also heard from the old friend who contacted me last week again, I was…

I talked to my sister this afternoon.  I told her I was missing my wife and feeling very lonely.  Her response was a pep talk and how I would find someone again.  All that just reinforced the finality of my wife being gone.  

So tonight instead of the evening calmness, I have anxiety.  My mind is not clear.  I guess it's the realization of never having my wife back, combined with the fear of never feeling the intimate closeness that I took for granted too much of the time.  My…

I woke up today with less anxiety, but it is only supplanted with the deep longing for my wife.  She was almost always happy in the morning, I long to see her smile at me again when I wake up, and I never will.  Anything and everything triggers the longing.  I can't look at myself in the mirror without thinking of her.  I am 53 years old, I met my wife when I was 22, we were together for 31 years, how can the void be healed? 

Perhaps the reason mornings are so rough for me is…

One day after their wedding anniversary, my best friend Rebecca lost her husband to a stroke.  He had had many health challenges, including diabetes, high blood pressure and kidney disease.  He didn't follow the diabetic diet at all well.  In fact the meal they had for their anniversary was not on that diet.  When heard where they were going for that meal, I had some misgivings, but knew that he had done that many times and recovered pretty well.  But this time I had a strong sense of …