There was a morning last month, I sensed the strong presence of my soul mate. I felt the need to write an emotional treatise of sorts, what morphed into a free verse.  I call it "A day of Dreams".  It became my own "balm in Gilead".

A DREAM OF DAYS     M. Royer    02/17/2016  (Reunion)

SOMEWHERE, OUT BEYOND THE COUNTY LINE SHE WAITS

IN A STAND OF DISTANT TREES…

Just had the funeral yesterday, after an extremely intense month, i feel in a different place for today anyway. i can't be sad atm we both loved each other truly and had the happiest life ever.and i think I'm still in shock because the strangest thing seems to be happening too me; i still just feel nothing. its like I'm in a zone, I'm not at work I'm surrounded his family (who i am close to and feel very close to him when I'm with them), I'm texting him everyday, thinking abut him for hours…

I continue to feel the need to clear my head and write what I am feeling ...

What my pain says: My life is over. I don't want to be here anymore. [With my situation] it is bullshit how I was regarded. Fucked up how things played out. I deserved better than that. I didn't get what so many others get in the physical and then I don't even get it in death. I deserved better than to have this happen in the first place. I don't know how to live without him. How to live with all our somedays…

 When I was a teenager, my cousin used to babysit the cutest little blonde headed boy named Casey.  I used to spend alot of time over at her house, and I would play with Casey, hold him in my arms and rock him and pretend he was my baby.  I loved his chubby little baby arms and cherubic face.  I must have kissed his cheeks a thousand times!   When I grew up and married, I had a little baby boy --blond headed and adorable, just like Casey!  So I was very shocked tonight when I read Casey's…

I lost my dear sweet mother on March 3rd of this year... Just 8 months after my Dad passed away.

She feel into a diabetic coma exactly at the 6 month mark. She had stopped eating and taking her medication once my dad had passed away.    While she was in a Coma, I was faced with the same decision we had to make when my dad fell into a coma and…

Last night , I had the most amazing if not slightly confusing dream, it was the kind where you are unsure if it was a dream or that it really happened. I remember it just being a standard dream , some random man was following me and I ran into a room to hide , this is the point it got weird, I was standing facing a wall when all of a sudden I felt arms wrapped around me from behind and put them hands on top of mine, I instantly knew it was Andy , I just felt it , I even said Andy is that…

 Been fighting a nasty cold for a week now.  I have eaten so much chicken soup that I think I'm going to grow webbed feet and a beak!  Amazing how something that can only be seen under a microscope can cause you so much misery, or even take a life.  I was remembering, today, how I got a very bad case of the flu when I was six or seven years old. My fever went so high that I began to hallucinate. Saw creepy, crawly things going up and down my bedroom wall.  But what I remember most was Mom's…

March 10th was one year. What to say about it now ...

As for sleeping goes I am back to being tired all the time, sleeping a lot and struggling for energy, severe depression, etc.

There is still a huge frustration as to exactly what I'm feeling and/or feeling both extremes of a spectrum at the same time and in a way that has been atypical with the prior oxymorons of this hell. Such as numb right beside all the rest of the feelings. Numb hasn't been a big player for me so to cry…

So its been 1 year 2 months and 10 days...do I count? yes Time does help at times, other moments and places it hasn't made a difference, I still cry sometimes in church.

Time a healing factor? Not in my eyes for anyone that experiences a loss its all about how you handle grief. For one time may help, for another a remembrance may help, for another depression, for another family...

My thoughts and Pryers are with everyone that has experienced a loss..handle it your way, not what…

I pass that little white house alot on my way home from work. It may look like any other house on that Street to those who don't know the secret that lies within. The lawn is neatly manicured, the hedges perfectly trimmed. Several beautiful fat cats lay on the porch sunning themselves. And in the driveway is a slightly older model car that always looks freshly washed and waxed. But no one has lived in that house for nine years now, except the cats! Every day, an older distinguished looking…

Today was one of the final court hearings for my son's death in 2012. An inattentive driver, with a long history of drug use and violence ran him over. The DA suspected she did not want to stop and try to beat him across. She killed him while he was driving fully in his own lane...she ran him over in her attempt to make a hasty left turn. She had no insurance, third time cited for this despite it being mandatory in our state. Cops that showed up on the scene were too dumb to give her a full…

The one year mark is coming up. I haven't been able to tell yet how I will take it. Before today I felt like it wasn't going to be a huge trigger. I have not stopped reliving that day so I thought it may just be like every other day of this miserable existence. But in the last days of February and now March officially hitting, I just don't know. I may go down the black hole of my already existing hell as I have with other triggers. My sleep at night has gotten bizarre. Jan and Feb was no…

It's been two weeks ago today that I found my boyfriend in his bed deceased. I had this awful feeling all day that something was wrong!! I hadn't heard from him all day, and that was unlike him not to call or text me, and when he didn't respond to my calls and text, then I knew something wasn't right!!!! I was in such a panic the whole way there, praying please let him be OK!!! When I walked in and say him, it was the biggest shock of my life!!! my whole would stood still, in that split…

 Just a sad observation that I've come to realize:  some people would walk a thousand miles or spend a thousand hours comforting a stranger, but not a member of their own "family