Some days hurt too much... They all hurt but sometimes it’s just too much. Some days feel dangerous. It’s like I have a little monster inside my chest. Aching and pounding against the walls. Trying to break free. Perhaps trying to quit. Days like these are dangerous. I find myself suffering from one of life’s many side effects; thoughts of suicide. I sit and stare at sharp objects. Wanting to just pick one up and drag it across my skin, just to take the focus off my internal pain for a few…

This is turning out to be one of the worst weeks of my life! For a very very brief moment , recently, I thought maybe things were a bit on the "upswing". I felt a lttle better. But then ...the bottom dropped out of everything! My best friend who is sick with a terminal illness is losing the battle. Another friend of mine ended up in the hospital in a coma. The doctors don't even know why! They are going to do a biopsy of his brain to try to find the reason. He is also in critical condition.…

ok 1 of thm days wear iv no wear 2 run u cud say

I saw someone I knew today, she came over and hugged me and told me how sorry she was to hear about Andy, and she proceeded to have a proper conversation with me , which is so rare these days as most people I know seem to avoid me now, I think that don't know what to say to me , anyway I was thinking how lovely and kind she was , and then she uttered the words"but your only 42 you will meet someone else one day" for fucks sake, why do people always say this to me , it drives me mad , and…

It is day 2 since my husband passed. I had to fill out something today that asked marital status. That just threw me off. It was so hard to say widowed. I am trying so hard to stay positive and try to celebrate  how blessed I was to have him in my life. Sometimes it just doesn't seem real. And then it hits me like a ton of bricks. I would like people to stop asking me how I m doing. I know they care but the answer seems pretty obvious. I am in the walking around in circles stage, not able to…

Both my mom and dad fell into Comas and suffered irreversible brain damage. They passed away 8 months apart from each other, leaving me all alone; sitting back in all black, wishing i could have them back.   My dad was the first to be taken away from me.  He suffered a stroke and had three hemerrages in his brain which caused the brain damage. His organs started to fail one by one and we decided we should release his body to join his mind. We turned the machines off on June 25th, one day…

I recently joined a popular social media group. I thought maybe reconnecting with family and friends would help...it didn't, I mean, it was kinda nice at first, but then I began to realize how different I am compared to the rest of them. They happily share recipes and cute-sy cartoons, which of course, there's nothing wrong with that. Shared a few myself, but...that's not how I really feel inside. If I posted what I really felt, I would probably have people avoiding my site. My grief is just…

I lost my father five months ago and ever since then I have just been broken and hurting. The friends that I was counting on were not there the way they said they would be, which just hurt even more. I fell like I've just been in so much pain recently because I am not around any of the people. I can't talk to my father, my mother is too broken heated to be comforting, and I have not heard from my best friend in several weeks. I was so tired so just being in pain all the time I am…

Well I dont know what im doing here i think i will mostly be reading posts... The love of my life that i have been with since 7th grade passed away march 20.  he was everything.. my best friend, lover, husband, father to my 10 and 12 year old.  it was always us.  Everybody we knew always said we had the best relationship.. i know nothing is ever perfect especially now. But as people keep telling me life goes on and give it time.. From the first day he passed to now it has not gotten even a…

today I went to see you twice, I need that, I know in my heart you knew I was there. when summer comes I hope to sit with you awhile, theres so much I want and need to say. I love you with all y heart shawn and I pray everynight to be with you, I hope its soon. without you I have no reason to go on.  I love and miss you shawn always and forever  mom

I feel so hopelessly broken today. I put on my ",normal" face today and went to work. I talked to people even laughed, but inside I was screaming "Can't you see I need help? I'm dying here!". Of course, those were only words heard within. Only one person that I work with, an alarmingly intuitive soul, HEARD my voice on the phone and knew something wasn't right. Knew that wasn't me. Knew I had been crying, but didn't want to come out and ask. So she posed another question, " Have you got a…

My grief has taken me over today. I just stayed in bed all day. There are two things grieving me deeply. One, my cousin who has always been my big sister, is losing her memory to dementia. She has been the one who has always called me nearly everyday since Mom died. She is my biggest supporter, my shoulder to cry on. I have always told her that she reminds me of the character "Melanie" from the movie "Gone With The Wind." She has always been so kind and loving. And now I am losing her in a…

"It all just seems so fake...this idea that good things happen to good people and there's magic in the world and the meek and the righteous will inherit it. There's too many good people who suffer for something like that to be true. There are too many prayers that get unanswered. Every day we ignore how completely broken this world is, and we tell ourselves it's all gonna be okay. "You're gonna be okay." But it's not okay. And once you know that...there's no going back. There's no magic in…

bean 2 mush tv loss in 2016 so sad

I can truly feel my heart hurting, I miss my son so much and the pain gets worse. the tears still flow everyday and night. the emptiness still there, so lonely, so dark. I pray to go with him, I beg him to come get me. my heart cant take much more. my son, the love of my life forever, I miss you shawn, I love you   mom

I wrote a couple of verses describing the rending, pillaging of the soul that is the only thing grief can offer us. 

"Here as time runs, endlessly, shore to shore then back again, waves of despair to never end, to never resolve and close upon  this terrible span of days.”  

and then-

"Bleaker shadows keeping vigil in the corners of my room, expressing deeper sorrow, shedding tears of deeper gloom.” 

After my love died of a massive heart attack, we were able to donate his corneas. I received a phone call from the local health department that his corneas tested positive for Hepatitis B and were not suitable for donation but would be used for research and professional education. Has any one else had this experience? Not sure what to think at this point.

After losing mom in October and my sister given 6 months to live with Alzheimer's... I find myself unable to find myself. A strong, independent lady all my life until now. Tears roll down my cheeks at inappropriate times and my smile is illusive. I even have found myself avoiding pictures. I hide and have pushed all away. I decided to join this community in hopes of some glimpse of something. Maybe a commonality will provide something.

My family are now worried and talking about how…

for 2 days now I cant smell my son, I sleep in his pjs , I need that smell , I need to know hes with me, please shawn bring the smell back to me, dear god  I need it bad, love you always and forever   mom