I said I'd be wearing black by the end of the week, and I am.  I lost a best friend yesterday around noon.  The doctors couldn't do anymore to help her. So I sat next to her as she took her last breaths and told her how much I love her.  Told her what a good friend she was to me.  She died while I was talking to her.  I am so devastated this morning.  I am so physically and emotionally ill. My blood pressure went sky high last night, and I don't evn have high blood pressure, normally.  I…

This is turning out to be one of the worst weeks of my life! For a very very brief moment , recently, I thought maybe things were a bit on the "upswing". I felt a lttle better. But then ...the bottom dropped out of everything! My best friend who is sick with a terminal illness is losing the battle. Another friend of mine ended up in the hospital in a coma. The doctors don't even know why! They are going to do a biopsy of his brain to try to find the reason. He is also in critical condition.…

I recently joined a popular social media group. I thought maybe reconnecting with family and friends would help...it didn't, I mean, it was kinda nice at first, but then I began to realize how different I am compared to the rest of them. They happily share recipes and cute-sy cartoons, which of course, there's nothing wrong with that. Shared a few myself, but...that's not how I really feel inside. If I posted what I really felt, I would probably have people avoiding my site. My grief is just…

I feel so hopelessly broken today. I put on my ",normal" face today and went to work. I talked to people even laughed, but inside I was screaming "Can't you see I need help? I'm dying here!". Of course, those were only words heard within. Only one person that I work with, an alarmingly intuitive soul, HEARD my voice on the phone and knew something wasn't right. Knew that wasn't me. Knew I had been crying, but didn't want to come out and ask. So she posed another question, " Have you got a…

My grief has taken me over today. I just stayed in bed all day. There are two things grieving me deeply. One, my cousin who has always been my big sister, is losing her memory to dementia. She has been the one who has always called me nearly everyday since Mom died. She is my biggest supporter, my shoulder to cry on. I have always told her that she reminds me of the character "Melanie" from the movie "Gone With The Wind." She has always been so kind and loving. And now I am losing her in a…

It was a beautiful spring day, like today. Lovely blue skies, flowers blooming. Why couldn't it have passed just like every April 12th prior to it? But it didn't. By noon that day, the doctor was asking me if I wanted to put you on life support, Mom. I struggled with the decision because they weren't giving me much hope. But you had the final say, in your own way. You passed peacefully before I could even give the doctor my decision. You left as quietly as a butterfly before we even realized…

Dear Heavenly Father, please help me , and others who suffer with severe depression.  I am on my knees tonight.  My heart feels like it's broken beyond repair, but I know all things are possible with you, and that a better day is coming. ( Revelation 21:3,4).  But tonight I am drowning in my grief, so please, please throw me a lifeline. Every time  I conquer one battle, three more spring up.  I feel outnumbered tonite, dear LORD. And so weary.  Was I a born loser?  Sometimes it feels that…

Miss you so much today, Mom.  There is so much I would like to tell you.  It's Monday once again, a day I will hate until God makes things right in Paradise.  Monday was the day I lost you. And how I hate that phrase, "lost you", as though I was negligent somehow and that's why your not here.  Maybe, in a way I was.  I insisted you take that medicine that we now believe may have caused your death. The doctors made me think you had no choice but to take it. I should have done my homework…

No truer words could be said: " Just because I'm strong enough to handle pain doesn't mean I deserve it!"

 When I was a teenager, my cousin used to babysit the cutest little blonde headed boy named Casey.  I used to spend alot of time over at her house, and I would play with Casey, hold him in my arms and rock him and pretend he was my baby.  I loved his chubby little baby arms and cherubic face.  I must have kissed his cheeks a thousand times!   When I grew up and married, I had a little baby boy --blond headed and adorable, just like Casey!  So I was very shocked tonight when I read Casey's…

 Been fighting a nasty cold for a week now.  I have eaten so much chicken soup that I think I'm going to grow webbed feet and a beak!  Amazing how something that can only be seen under a microscope can cause you so much misery, or even take a life.  I was remembering, today, how I got a very bad case of the flu when I was six or seven years old. My fever went so high that I began to hallucinate. Saw creepy, crawly things going up and down my bedroom wall.  But what I remember most was Mom's…

I pass that little white house alot on my way home from work. It may look like any other house on that Street to those who don't know the secret that lies within. The lawn is neatly manicured, the hedges perfectly trimmed. Several beautiful fat cats lay on the porch sunning themselves. And in the driveway is a slightly older model car that always looks freshly washed and waxed. But no one has lived in that house for nine years now, except the cats! Every day, an older distinguished looking…

 Just a sad observation that I've come to realize:  some people would walk a thousand miles or spend a thousand hours comforting a stranger, but not a member of their own "family

 I remember the first time I heard it.  I had never heard anything quite like it before, nor since.  It was the winter of 1976-77.  My parents and I had moved into an upstairs apartment.  It always started around midnite, a low menacing growl. Like something wild snarling softly in the bushes. But then the sound would grower louder and more intense, until finally it had grown into the high pitched shrieking of something tormented, demonic even!  I would bury my face into my pillow until the…

 Just that same old prayer, God, that you have heard cross my lips a thousand times--  please, please let her pass gently in her sleep...

 By last Friday, I felt like the grieving was eating my brain. I told my husband that I just couldn't take it anymore. It was either me...or my grief.  I told him I just had to go somewhere, anywhere that wasn't a reminder of everything I am grieving over. If I had my choice of destinations, I would have run away to a deserted beach by an ocean, like the lovely oceans in JO B's photos. But since the ocean nearest my home is about a thousand miles away, I had to chose somewhere else. So I ran…

 I was with my friends last night.  And usually, when I am with friends, I am able to push my grief down deep inside and hide it.  But for some reason, maybe because I am feeling tired and suffering from "burn out", my grief decided to make an appearance in front of everyone. And there it was:  the big white elephant in the room. My eyes suddenly became like water faucets. Tears were streaming down my face faster than I could dab them away with a small square of tissue. And then, of course,…

 It's Monday, and I hate Mondays--for two reasons now:  starting over another week, and my beautiful, funny, loving Mom passed away on a Monday. I was thinking, this evening, how much my life has changed since she died.  I used to put in a days work and then go spend the evenings over at Mom's. My husband was healthy then, and often worked till late in the evening, so I spent time with Mom, Dad, and my son at her house. We ate together, then she made us watch  "Wheel of Fortune " with her.…

I refilled my prescription for my antidepressant yesterday and swallowed that bitter little pill before bed last night. Apparently, I must have needed it, for it knocked me out till 10:30 this a.m. I scrambled to get dressed for work, then spent half an hour trying to "mend my face"--cover the deep dark circles under my eyes with half a tube of concealer stick,  draw my eyebrows on in such a way that I won't look like Joan Crawford or someone who just spotted a large rat running across the…

I wish I didn't have so much responsibility resting on my shoulders while I am grieving. My husband is ill and can't work, so alot is on me and I feel too sad alot of days to even get up and trudge off to work, but I have no choice. Its sink or swim! I'd be grateful for a three day weekend once in a while. I'm so tired.