It was back to school for Nicholas today, just starting 2nd grade.  I had so much built up anxiety about this day.

Not about him returning to school, but more of what was I going to do with myself.

We got to spend the entire summer together, since I work evenings, we had each and everyday to do whatever we

wanted to do.

So, after I took him to school, I went out job hunting to find a job with a 40 hour workweek.  I know, good luck with that huh?  

Later, I…

A few weeks after Ken's death, I went up to the lighthouse where he went to die. I read out loud some poems and words I had written - my version of a funeral service for him. It was a cold, blustery day and the few people who were there were in their cars to stay warm so could not hear me. After I finished and stood there for a bit looking at the lighthouse, the phrase 'free as a bird' popped into my head, and at that moment, a bird flew off the rocks up into the air. I felt that was a sign…

Whilst searching the internet for steve's parents memorial,( they usually do one at the time of the anniversary of his death) I came accross a link I had not seen before even though I have searched the same criteria for a long time. The link was for his haulage company that he used to run when I first met him. Intrigued I clicked on it and was then invited to obtain the company records which of course I had to do. However I was then very shocked to see that his company had gone bankrupt, he…

Today I watched a movie called Soul Surfer. It's a true story about a young girl who was a great surfer. While she was surfing a shark attacked her a bit off her arm.She wanted to know why. Why her? What could God possibly want this to happen to her.After mourning the loss of her arm, she picked herself up and tried to surf again. She failed. Then she went to a country to help with cleanup from a tsunami. When she saw the devestation she couldnt help but try to do something to help these…

Thought I would share another poem I wrote with you. I wonder if you can identify with it.

 Meeting you

Date and time arranged

I'd meet you at the tree

eagerly waiting for the time

when your face I would see

everything would be fine

when I was with you again

hours of missing you over

I would be with you then…

I like writing poetry and thought I would share some with you, I do find it helps me.

   When you died

When you died my life fell apart

How could anyone mend my heart

nothing seemed to be real anymore

of life I was no longer sure

I longed for someone to…

"We are, each of us, Angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another."

               - Luciano de Crescento

This was mostly just a random little ramble....

I didn't get much sleep last night... As usual.

Part of it was thanks to Suki though.

I was texting Ryan (the amazing guy =3) until 4 or 430 in the morning, the whole while just thinking in general. Which, in my position, is not good. I try to…

all of her things are still here, un touched. it's as if she still lives here.

today i decided to have a look in her closet and got me missing her so much. seeing her clothes it's almost like she is still in them.

i think its good some times to force yourself to do these things, have a good cry.

miss you so much mom XOXOXO

I saw a young girl wearing a shirt today, and it was lime green with white print spelling the word COURAGE.

That word is very much stuck in my head!

My wife was not at all afraid of death.  Neither was my mother.  

I guess, when you're not afraid of death, there has to be a lot of courage there within you for staying alive!

Courage (also bravery, fortitude, or intrepidity) is the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or…

I don't understand how some people can be so insensitive, like they were never taught to be considerate of the loss of life, to think about what they say or how it affects the person they're saying it to. Last week my 7 year old son's physical therapist asked me, "So is your summer getting back to normal?" I was stunned...uuuuh let's see here; my son DIED on June 20, 2011, he was 18! He's not ever coming home. He's never going to be a chef. He's never going to be a husband. He's never going…