Color Run... I wish Christian was here to enjoy with me.

I can't sleep...

knowing you will never return

I stay up late

I wake up late

I can't sleep...

I lay on your side of the bed

hoping to feel you

I can't sleep...

the tv stays on to distract my thoughts

but I can't watch our favorite shows

I can't sleep...

I miss our nighttime cuddle time

I miss you saying good night

I can't sleep...

if god was who everyone thinks he is it wouldn,t be to bad. You loose a love one but bad people still walk the earth.I go out and drink and drive because my wifes behavior triggers it off(yes maby Iam using that as an excuse) Iam drunk so bad I end up almost getting in a wreck and blacking out at stop light. Does God save me from going to jail. Yes!! Should I have escaped getting arrested and going to…

I sat here making cards making posters listening to her music all in between horrible , sobbing , and feeling like i cant make it thru this , i had planned this huge memorial at the Hilton hotel then canceled it , then at last minute decided to do a candlelight birthday memorial at sunset beach her favorite place TODAY IS AS BAD AS THE DAY I WAS TOLD MY DAUGHTER WAS DEAD GONE FOREVER ? I have not had a single moments relive of this pain , the loss , the anger , the despair the disbelieve how…

I do know that Iam going to have to make an appoint with a P doctor (Iam tired of having to figure out how to spell psychotherapist) so hence P doctor. Not a urologist. A mental health dude .So ! we all have the memory of out loved one in our brains. Iam on occasion overwrought with grief maby not that much,yes that much.I feel her presence.However she is not here.As much as we were close and you know how that…

Yesterday was the 10th.  I had been so busy for the last few days that I didn't really notice the date until right before I went to bed.  I felt a little guilty for that in so many ways, but on the other hand the distraction allowed for a brief break from grieving.  My sister came down from up North with her daughter and we spent the day at the water park with my other sister and her son, and Isabella.  Jared didn't want to go so I let him stay home.

As I fell asleep last…

Iam not going to say Iam over this because that would be a lie.Before she would be out there and I would be relishing the time she was gone  down deep she was lost and had to put up with me.Its her fault terrifying me every time she would decide to "teach me a lesson"Her personality most likley did her in.her  trust in St edwards south austin hospital did her in(the witch doctors practicing there vodoo medicine…

I went to a spin class last night...my first time.  I thought it would help to get some of this inner "whatever it is" out of me. It was a spiritually based spin class and really it helped alot.  I found myself enjoying something for the first time since losing my husband and doing something healthy at the same time.  I think my husband would be smiling about this.  I somehow felt close to him while I was doing it.  I will definately go back.  I can highly recommend somehow getting some…

Now that you're gone....

I can't believe you are gone from this earth. 

I am now here on this earth alone and longing for you,

for your touch, your arms wrapped around my body

for the special way you loved me.

Lonely, is what I feel now that you're gone.

Now that you're gone...

I come home to a lonely home

I come home to a cold empty bed.

If feels cold... now that your gone.

Now that your gone...

I will try and get…

We really did have a good time together.Iam sorry I wasn,t more intimate Iam really in a slump.Its horrible because even if you feel very very bad and just want to lie down and die you cann,t. I left home coming to work and I started to feel very  very lonely. (joke: he got so bad he died from the very very disease) sorry I thought it was funny. So Iam in a slump .I miss my wife on the other hand I had better got out and beat the bushes because Iam very lonely.

Iam going to make an…

You are so much more valuable and special than you realize. Stop comparing yourself to people who are not worth your admiration and attention. Grief can lower our expectations in life. Loss can spiral us into confusion, pity and shame. We see others as better than us. It is time to stop this unhealthy relationship with ourselves and see us for who we truly are.

Today was the first day since he passed that I felt a stillness inside. I have cried more the past week then I have since I was 15. I saw the quote, title of my blog, today in a store. It stood out to me....it was something that I know, but seeing it in front of me, kind of spoke to me. Today was the first day I have had,in a while that I felt hope again. Hoping it continues.

Iam in really bad shape for one reason or another.She went in the hosp and gradually ove night developed these terrible complications.She was doing alright ,well I know, Iam sure the next heart problem would be the last.Would that have  been better than suffering like that .She didn,t deserve to suffer like she did .I should have known once they said repalce heart valve replacement I should have said my last good…

I am having a very hard time moving on after the deaths of my beloved father and son.  There is a wrongful death lawsuit pending in the murder of our son and we are now waiting for a trial date.  This does seem to make it more difficult to move forward.  We have started seeing a grief therapist to help with this and many of the postings on this site have been really helpful too.  I don't want to be a downer but some days I hear a song, see a photo or something that just brings back the…

Last night my sons and I went to the restaurant that my husband and I had our last date in 7 weeks ago. The next day he passed away.  I thought that by going there, which I was afraid to do, it would help me face his death.  I don't know if this was the right thing to do. It only made me miss him more.  I am an emotional wreck although on the outside I appear together.  I cry everyday and then go to work or go do my chores but I have suddenly felt all alone in this.  I guess this is because…

I don,t get as much "killer flashbacks" Iam pretty good at denial ,(at least I think Iam,) havent been out drinking and driving (busted in 1989 Tx) laws weren,t as strict then,never the less paid court costs and did probation.I take it back Iam on another computer and get a flashback of us in a restraunt,she would always get up and get some soup (it was free) oh!! it was a small restraunt serving smoothies and different asian dishes.

I want to keep a notebook of memories but I think…

someones death brings home a sense of reality. Ahh what was that"taking life for granted" I don,t or didn,t understand my marraige to Fay. Well anyway its wasn,t lovinging in a normal sense.The early years were the most productive.I don,t think any of us want to approuch the subject of death. I don,t know why I was subject to seeing her go, …

My husband died 7 months ago yesterday.  My whole world ended and even though he suffered with brain tumors for almost ten years, I always thought he would beat it up to 3 weeks before he died last December.  The emptiness is unbearable.  There were times and still are that all I can do is cry and literally scream with pain.  I can't just "move" on because he was my life.  He always wanted to hold my hand even when we were just watching tv or walking through the parking lot to the store.  I…