Past few days have been pretty rough.i miss him more than my heart can stand. I can't come to terms with never seeing him again. I can't move on. I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with him not without him. So this is my life now? Filled with sorrow and torment? I don't want to do this anymore. I don't know what to do with me.

today I had to  end it with my sister, her heart has turned to stone, week after week hurting me, telling me to get over it, telling me to take pills to be with my son. I told her its a fight everyday not to do that but she said do it , go. im so tired, so much pain and hurt inside.  god help me please. I died the day he took my baby, now just take me to him.  I want my son back,  I need my shawn.

As I read through the threads and blogs of those we have lost, it only causes me more confusion.  I have always believed in a higher power, that there is someone greater than us in the world we live in.  I am guilty of being upset that the Lord has chosen to take away my mom but I have to hold on to my faith.  It's the only thing keeping me up.  Loosing my mom so suddenly to cancer after only being diagnosed a month and a half in to her treatment seems so unfair.  The sorrow that we're left…

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This is an excerpt from a book another bereaved mom read early on, she had recommended it to our group...it was by a grief therapist of many years who had workshops for grief release..here is a bit of his (Francis Weller) book:

It is our unexpressed sorrows, the congested stories of loss that, when left unattended, block our access to the soul. To be able to freely move in and out of the soul’s inner chambers, we…

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Our love dies and we will never be the same, life will never be the same. It's been almost 15 weeks/3+ months and I still don't understand how to do this. This hollow existence makes no sense. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm functioning only to exist. I still can't believe Gary is gone and that I'm living this nightmare. It is so painful. I feel like I've done and am doing so much to try and cope but I'm still so…

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I had a dream about Nick again last night but I know that this time it wasn't a visitation dream. I dreamt that I was at a hospital and that Nicks parents were there and they wouldn't let me see him. That they were asking me what I was doing there, and telling me to leave. So I spoke to Nick through the curtains and I told him that I was there and I loved him and he responded to her parents that I was there because I was there for him when he didn't ask me to be there and I was the only…

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There are so many things that people say that they think will help make you feel better when you're grieving-

"You're going to be ok."

"The pain will go away."

"You're not the first person to go through this."

 

My new personal favorite is "The year of the firsts is the worst".  Really?  I've now gone through my first Easter, Mother's Day, and my birthday without my husband.  My son and I am going to spend our first Father's Day without him, and you expect…

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It started as a normal morning. 3 years out from that devastating afternoon when she lost all control of her life. She had suffered a massive right side stroke and had lost virtually all control of her left side. Her arm and leg had become swollen and purposeless.

Her arm, she always cared for with a gentle readjustment of position. I could do nothing beyond reassure her with my love and bring her chocolate ice cream and cans of chocolate…

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My beloved Cherie didn't want a funeral. She wanted to be planted as a tree in the backyard. This coming Saturday we are going to have a memorial party and plant her ashes with a tree in the backyard. I am dreading the day because I really don't want to deal with all of the people that will be coming. Plus it will be another reminder that she is really gone. It is so hard to go on living. I hope everyday that I don't have to wait long to join my loved ones.

tomorrow june 11 my mom has been gone for 34 years, I can remember it all like it was yesterday. I pray everynight that she has my son, my baby. please god let her tell me she has shawn, I need to know my babys ok, happy and not alone. I beg her to take me to my shawn. I miss them with all my heart. what I would give to hold them both, please mom please help me, take care of my baby   always and forever      all my love

Today I think I'm about to break into a billion shattered pieces. I'm having panic attacks, I want to scream, I need someone to talk to. And I can't do any of it. Where are the people who say they love me? I guess they are tired of hearing me crying every single day over my son. They want me to move on, get back to normal and talk about how beautiful the weather has become. I want to rip the hair from my head because maybe that pain will ease the pain my sould is going through. My son, me…

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My mother has been battling cancer since 11/14. In June of ‘13 my mom had a lung transplant which changed her life forever. No more O2 tanks, she was able to walk, go sledding, theme parks, camping the list goes on and on. I am 1 of 5 of her children and she has 12 grand-children. She was the best grand-mother you could ever imagine. When she developed lung cancer it spread rather quickly and took away her memory, apatite, moods. But she fought through it. My wife and I would bring her meds,… Continue

today the girl next door came over to show me her new baby, I could not go out side to see her. all I could do was cry remembering when my beautiful son shawn was born weighing 5 pounds 14 ounces. so beautiful and I knew he was mine forever, never in a million years did I think he would go away and I am alone, empty. my life now is crying and praying to go with him. my heart so broken, its to hard to see people happy, to se new babies, to see life go on. I so hate living waking up each…

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my dearest husband

two months....60 days....1,440 hours.......86,400 minutes........5,184,000 seconds no matter how you add it up it equals too much time away from each other. too many tears cried. too many questions unanswered. this still feels so very unreal. like this horrible nightmare im waiting to wake up from. you would be proud of me I think. yeah I have fucked up but im trying. every day I wake up and try. some days are better then others. some days its all I can do to get…

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May 9,2015 that date will live with me forever !! It's the day that my world changed .I miss you mom and every moment since then you have just stayed right on my mind.For 15 years you and I got to be the best of each others world.I had been your caregiver all those years and mom I would not have changed any of it.I know I was not easy to live with and we both would get on each others nerves but we were still each others world.

How oh how do I carry on without you .I ask myself…

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