I'm just 2 weeks away from turning 25. I never looked this far into my future, to be honest. I only looked as far as 24 and had that whole year planned. Lots of things came to be as planned, except all the unexpected deaths in the family. But along with my Uncle's passing soon after my 24th birthday, my grandmother passing in May and I can only think of July. It is not a big month for my family in the least. It is my birthday month, but not looking this far forward I feel as if I have…

One of the things that'd bothered me a fair amount in the last while was hearing people say, "you're so strong!"  They seem surprised that I'm still getting up in the morning, going to work, getting my bills (eventually) paid, and so on.  The initial reaction was always wanting to scream back, 'Are you NUTS???  Do you have any idea what this all FEELS like?  How in the Hell can you think I'm strong when I'm still so hurt and confused and lost so much of the time?!!"  I certainly don't feel…

Since my husband passed away on 1/6/09 I realized the other day, I don't smile, I don't laugh and I sure don't feel. I don't feel happiness. But I can say, when I start to think about him, I feel pain and the tears come and don't want to stop.

I watch tv.and if its supposed to be funny. I don't think it is. I changed everything that I used to do right down to the type of music I listen to.

I feel sometimes, I just don't know how to be me without him.

17th June 2011 Happy 20th Birthday Jacob How I wished you were here to celebrate with us I love you Jakey Michael Birthday wishes being sent heaven bound oxoxox always your mum

16th June 2011 will be 6 years since our Jacob left us .. closed his eyes and flew to heaven our beautiful brave boy ... it's so hard to believe that he has been gone for 6 years .. it still feels like it was just yesterday .I miss his smile ,his laugh ,his smell  I miss all our little chats ,watching him play sport hearing his stories listening to music .. there is so much I miss ..6 years is such a long time to not be able to hold your…

I got some good news today at work:  I got a raise.  It's a decent amount more, and will go quite a ways to alleviate some of the stress I've had about money in the last few months since Ariel killed herself.  I still don't know if it's enough to let me hang on to the house, but at least it means I don't have to rush quite so much to get out of here.  That's good news.

What was strange was that when I saw it, there wasn't the upwelling of happiness or joy I'd have expected. …

http://spiritspout.blogspot.com/2011/06/tequila-to-open-grans-funeral.html

This morning I awoke and felt uncomfortable. I'd taken a Lunesta sleeping pill so that I'd be able to sleep and not be an entire wreck at Gran's funeral. An unfortunate side effect of such a pill is often a nasty, bitter taste in one's mouth. I brushed my teeth twice, but I couldn't get rid of it, so I just…

So next week, I fly out to LA to visit my mom and sister in the home, and celebrate Father's Day with Dad's best friend. He told me he never celebrated father's day before, and I told him, that now that's Dad gone, we will now start. As his honorary daughters, this is what we do. :) 

I'm both excited to see everyone, but also, dreading it. Dreading stepping into the house, as the last visit was horrible, upsetting, devastating. The house and home that I grew up in was cold,…

I've started this to express my grief over losing my 48 year-old mom: http://spiritspout.blogspot.com/

xo D

After my father passed, I went home and all my friends were telling me that I might be in shock. It certainly didn't feel like it. Every memory, both good and bad was etched in front of my eyes 24/7.  It seemed like I felt everything, and a lot of it wasn't good. But now time has passed,and I find myself thinking he's still here. That all I have to do is just pick up the phone when I get home from work and call him.  He'll be there. This thought is on my mind all day...until i get home and…