Okay, I got some good ME work done yesterday but I am scared that I have a lot of work to do. It's the anger! Have you noticed that it's unacceptable to be angry? I'm mad and it's not okay to let it out in PUBLIC so I'm going to practice doing it here and hopefully it will help. 

1. I'm so mad that we had to act like nothing was wrong when mom got her ass kicked by cancer. We had never dealt with an illness in our family before, and both parents were healthy. It was bullshit…

I'm so tired and confused. 

Before I launch into my sad, I should tell you that for the first time since my father in law passed last month, I felt all the way back to myself normal over the weekend. The cabin (where we went) was a HUGE deal to me, because it is SO MY MOM. I mean, it's HER. It's where she lived, it's where her family is, it's HER cabin.  It is my mom, summed up in one spot. So I had tons of anticipation and missing regarding that, and got there and was FINE! It was the…

My dearest Devan....

I miss you.  I say these words over and over in my head. Three little words that hold every emotion in my heart. I need you. I don't want you to be gone....my mind will not rest. I think of all the wonderful memories of you. I remember the good and bad times we shared as Mother and Daughter and I feel the loss of you so intensely in these moments...these moments I should feel joy of having you in my life...these moments of knowing how blessed I was to be your…

I miss her random texts. We had communication almost daily. I miss her calling and leaving a voice message on my phone that starts out "Hi Mommy It's Me..."

Even though she was 38 she still sounded like my little girl and called me mommy.

A few years ago she lived in a different state and sent me a page she colored out of a coloring book. I will cherish it…

There just isn't much hope among these pages. 

When I went through this with my husbands passing I had a breakdown. The one thought that terrified me was that I would not be strong enough to do this again. (My husbands death was the first trauma I could not bounce back from...not the first one I've endured) I was right. Everyone around me tells me how strong I am but it is all a facade. I keep looking every day for a reason, an answer, just a straw of the value of living through and…

on November 5 I was taking my son shawn to get his meds he was having trouble breathing, when he got back into the van I said are you ok and he just fell over. I was screaming for him to wake up, 2 doctors ran out to help us. across the street was the hospital  they drove my van over and soon after they told me hes gone. oh god I wanted to die and I still do. hes my only child. without him theres nothing left for me. I go see him everyday, I cry all day and night, and I pray every night to…

Everyone has moved on...It is only I now who still feels the way I did the day I lost her. I could see it coming. There is no one left to talk to about how I truly feel. The negative darkness within, the deep sorrow, the silent sobbing, the blinding pain is no longer to be shared. I went to a therapist. I don't think it will work out for me. I have this need for the ones i talk to about private issues to care for me. I am not implying that the therapist is uncaring...it just isn't the same.…

Here we are again, the dreaded day closer to the 1 yr mark...I swear it feels like yest..Wish I could find at least one letter I would be happy with even the envelope...Why didn't I write something that changed that night?  Did you hear my vm?  I want to start writing you again, I know I wont get an answer, but I might in a different way?  I am missing you more then usual and can you believe I still don't feel like I grieved..it just never came out just lingers and sneaks up on me when I…

In Poems



My poem felt you slipping away

made me write phrases

which didn't make sense.



Your heartbeat was out of my reach

it was fading into space,

left me in a sad state.

 

Each breath you took

called out my name.

I wanted to be there

instead I beared the pain.



I wanted to hold you tight!

Keep you…

I have made a new friend, and she thinks that i'm a gift to her, but it's actually that she is a gift to me. Her mommy passed the day before Mother's Day, and she is the only child. So she is caring for her grief stricken father, and her husband is as lost as she is.  

She has started to notice signs from her mom- the most recent and awesome was when she was in an antique store there was a bucket of coins from around the world. She pulled one out which had a 10 on it (her mom passed…

Today would have been five years of marriage, and what once was the happiest day of my life is filled with overwhelming sadness. I can remember the two dozen red roses he sent to me at work last year. This year I spent the day alone putting flowers on my husbands grave. It has been six months since he passed and I can not imagine six more months without him in my life.

A note fell out onto the carpet today, and it was left behind by my mother, it reads, “when we focus all our time on grief, we lost out on our present and our future; instead of dwelling on what we are losing, focus on what we still have” I felt like I was receiving a sign from my mother that I should not dwell in my grief at all times. It makes sense my mother wrote it, because she lived her life fully till the end.

Being diagnosed with stage four cancer did not subvert my…

I know I'm "too young" to feel this way, and I did not lose a spouse. I lost parents. Three parents. I was not the full time care taker for any of them, but I was a 100% support person for all of them as well as my dad and with my sister in law who was just about full time with my father in law.

What I mean to say is that for 3 years straight- and I know that isn't a long time in the scope of things, but it felt like a long time- I was helping with sick and dying parents and the…

I'm sure all of this is cumulating for a reason, a point, I will be pushed over the edge and give birth to a wonderful insight, or do something amazing with my Knowingness. 

But right now, I'm just drowning. 

It was mother's day yesterday, my first without my mommy, and the month anniversary of Mike's passing. Losing 3 parents in such a short amount of time is hard enough, without doing double firsts like we are now. 

My husband failed yesterday, but he is grieving also…

I had a wonderful weekend! Until I brought up Ben. We were talking about chicken pocks. All I said was remember when Ben had chicken pocks at the age of 13. He had them so bad. He became very sick. all of a sudden the dirty looks started flying. If looks could kill, I'd be dead. I don't understand it. The second I say one thing about either of the boys I get the worst dirty looks ever. It's like the girls want me to forget they were ever here. You'd think they'd want to remember them. Heck…

Mothers Love



She was there when he took his first breath, heard his first cry embraced his first hug. She seen him at his best and worse. A love so strong he could never do wrong. She whispers a prayer every night.



A Mothers love for her son could only be defined by his life. Mothers comfort feels safe even when they are far away. His soft…

I cannot forget how my mother died and I don't know if she is just dead or in a better place

My mom rarely complained even though she was diagnosed with stage four…