It has been already been 4 months since I lost my only child my son at the age of 26. I am finding myself  becoming resentful of them time passing. How can it be 4 months since I hugged my boy, or listened to his laughter. ugh this is such a hard struggle to be here without him. If it wasnt for his son my little grandson who is 6, I dont think I could do this at all.

I am finding myself struggling lately. I'm at a point where i'm stuck and I don'y know what my next move will be because I live in fear most of the time. I am only 19 and living without parents is a constant struggle for me. As i was in 5th grade when my mom died and I witnessed her battle with cancer and her last breath. I was in 8th grade when I lost my dad and it was completely unexpected. I came home from school one day and found him. Since they has been gone I've been through a heck of…

I've been doing a lot of thinking these days.

I think about days past and good times I've shared with people. I think about the pain I've endured over the years- the abuse, the loss. I think about how many missed opportunities there have been in my life. I think about the good things I have now and the things I've lost.

Sometimes, thinking isn't such a good idea for me. Over the last several weeks I've been deep in thought about where I am right now. Emotionally,…

Today,

 I hug my tattoo artist and we both cried alittle. I said this tattoo was a promise that I would began to let go but as I walked out the studio, I realized I still wasn't ready. There's something in me that just can't move on.... March 8th 2013 in Norfolk,VA a very close friend of mine was shot 3 times and left on a kitchen floor to die. Court dates are finally reaching days away and prohibit me to reveal details of that night but that night, I lost apart of myself, security…

So I have never done this blog thing and I have no idea what I am doing. Im not worried about spelling or anything else I just want to get what has been stuck in side out.

I have always had a crazy family tree, I'm just gonna leave at by the time I was 3 my grandparents offically became my parents. My father loved me adored me took care of me, put his happiness on hold to raise me. My mother was there. I am not cold she and I never connected becuase of the pain my bio mom…

In 2 days it wil be 10 months since I lost my son. It is still as hard as it was the day he left us. seems like everyone has forgotten about him. All I can say is I will do everything possible to keep his memory alive no matter how bad the pain is. My family acts like I don't even exist they say if I need to talk for me to call them ya right why should I have to be the one calling i lost my child they did not lose theres. My husband and other boys have been the only ones there. There is so…

Day by day I think of you,

How can all of this be true?

I can't believe you're really gone,

I still can't accept it,

Even after Only a year..

Just the thought of you makes me cry,

I never even got the chance to say goodbye.

Every picture, every t-shirt..

reminds me of

 your familiar scent,

It makes me think of all of the times we've spent.

I know we didn't always get along,



So many things I never got to say,

I

You were my…

Yesterday I dreamt that I was at a house and discovered cigarettes my Mom was hiding and I threw them away.

My Mom had COPD and shouldn't smoke but she never was able to quit. I did find myself discovering cigarettes around the house and throwing them. It's weird that I dream this now she's gone. Maybe it means that I feel I didn't really help her to quit smoking? I think she wanted, deep inside, to quit. But she never could. I never thought of taking her to one of those…

For My Big Brother

You showed me a lot of things,

I learned a lot I didn't know,

But you forgot to teach me one last thing

How to let you go,

I miss being your little sister,

Hearing You say something that would make me laugh for hours,

I wish i could have said i love you and good bye

Before you left us ..

You always meant a lot to me,

I could never love you less,

YOu were my big brother who i thought hung the Moon and is now…

For My Big Brother

You showed me a lot of things,

I learned a lot I didn't know,

But you forgot to teach me one last thing

How to let you go,

I miss being your little sister,

Hearing You say something that would make me laugh for hours,

I wish i could have said i love you and good bye

Before you left us ..

You always meant a lot to me,

I could never love you less,

YOu were my big brother who i thought hung the Moon and is now…

Didnt sleep last night

STRESS…  I assume its part of  my grief..I didnt sleep last night…at all….finally slept about 9am and most the day….but I’ve been thinking about the hospital…..I’m terrified of that place…scared to death….never felt this bad before…about it…worse than when he was there…….. going to see my therapist tomorrow. I’m told these feelings are normal…..

why i felt stressed…at the…

My mom was the funniest lady you could ever meet. My friends thought she was hilarious. Her death was such a surprise to me because I had no idea how sick she really was. I am angry that nobody told me but I guess I just have to live with it. I miss her so much and I would give anything to have her back. She was on life support and was suffering, so with the advice of the doctors I made the decision to withdraw care. Even though the doctors said that there was nothing else that could be…

I,m feeling so alone and hurting so much. it feels like I,m dealing with this by myself. I lost my oldest son kris march 14,2013 and my other sonwho lost his brother andbest friend does not want to talk about it. if I call him and i'm crying because i'm hurting he can't standit my counsleer says that brian isafraid to talk with mewhen i'm crying because hes afraid that he will break down. I know that's the manley way to handle thingslike this but I hate feeling im alone. i'm divorced so no…

i been under alot of stress and i just want to be happy and be healthy i lost my husband last oct 23 2012 and then my daughter just moved out so i just hope life gets better im sick of having aniexty and dizzyness i just want happieness in my life im sick of feeling this way 

I was visiting my grandmother and my aunt was changing her clothes and she just fell over and was unreviable. I was waiting to go back into her room and then my aunt ran back into the living room screaming fpr an ambulance. I was very afraid and automatically we all knew she wouldn't come back.