You are too great a person to be conquered by hatred and demeaning. No body ever should accept the life of abuse, life itself is tough enough and then loosing someone so dear, so special, so unexpectedly is the hardest thing you'll ever experience. "Make you, a beautiful world because You have lived in it" Edward Bok wrote in 1929, my wife's favorite quote, learned upon visiting his garden in Florida. I now work harder at doing so, but I do it.

First of all, I'm so sorry, sudden and unexpected loss is so debilitating, as I too recently experience the sudden loss of my wonderful true love soulmate wife, with no cause in January. And second of all, as you now know, life is far too short to live in a agonizing relationship, so don't wait a minute and get the hell out of that situation, you've got nothing to loose but your happiness, now compromised even more. 3rd, take deep slow breathes to get through the panics that you will have often. Take control of yourself, you are only part of this world for short time and don't need to be suffering. That person you lost, will expect you to do what's right for YOU, and you need to do that in their honor. Please take charge and make you right with YOUR world.